I Had These Exact Thoughts - Blog Posts

what really strikes me about each of those scenes where pat is comforting pran is how pran responds to them. whenever pran gets upset over smth pat can't fix, pat makes himself vulnerable, offers him some cringey goofiness in hopes to cheer him up and each time pran's made sure to answer him, to show him his gratitude, to tell him it works.

bc it's so easy to just push someone away when ur hurt, to brood within ur own angry shell, esp for someone like pran who's always dealt with his emotions on his own. and he knows pat would understand if he did that, if he needed space pat would move away eventually, stop and leave him alone. but pran doesn't want that, he doesn't want pat to leave, he needs him there. he'd probably prefer silent company in some of these moments, but he knows pat's different, that pat needs loud affirmations and louder actions, that pat's doing this bc he loves him and pran might prefer quiet but he prefers pat more, so he returns the gesture, be it wiping his face or doing some mortifying dance. when he can't do that, when his hurt has worn him out too much, he still makes sure to smile for pat, to express his gratitude.

in reciprocating his gestures, pran is making sure none of his efforts go down the drain, he's making sure pat sees how it lightens the weight on his heart, he's telling pat he's grateful he goes to such lengths only to make him smile, he's grateful to have him here with him. he's encouraging pat's behavior by showing him how much he values pat's presence, how much all of pat's small efforts mean to him.

what really hits me thou - is that this started after the bet, before they'd fully opened up to each other, but once pran knows pat wants him, that pat likes him and is a reality he can have. before when he overheard what pat's dad said, when he was upset about the bus stop, when they'd kissed and he was devastated - pat chased relentlessly after him all these times, but pran adamantly pushed him away. it's how he's used to dealing w emotions - alone, in the confines of his own torn mind. it's how he thinks things will be better, if he tackles them on his own.

even then, pran had paid attention to how far pat was willing to go to ease his burden, to make him happy. in ep2 he even told pat that he enjoyed it, having pat indebted to him, implied he found solace in pat's guilt. but back then was when he thought he'd never have pat, or later that he could not. back then was when everything pat did confused him, tore him apart further till he didn't know what was upsetting him anymore - the initial trigger, or pat's misleading behavior.

now pran knows. it still surprises him - the extent to which pat's willing to go to make things right for him (re: offering to say he was dumped to fix things w their faculties). but now it doesn't devastate him anymore, does not break him to wonder whether it was just a friendly gesture or more, does not scare him w the idea of nursing a shattered heart later. now he feels everything pat intends for him to - mollified, warm, safe. so now pran too puts in effort to show him he knows why pat's doing this, that it makes him happy, that pat's efforts do and have always paid off.

this is how they've become each other's safe space, by plucking the courage to expose their soft underbellies to the other, and having that effort returned, rewarded and treasured.