My Fp. - Blog Posts

Drawing based on things that happened this weekend... I love putting myself into source things instead of source me in source things.

I’m trying so hard not to feel this way, to hate him, to feel resentment. But it’s so hard when all he does is talk about that friend. Idk if I’m hurting because it’s so easy for him to make close connections with people, or if I’m hurting because the guy I need to be around 24/7 doesn’t want to be with me 24/7.

I need more friends. I wish it was easy for me to meet and talk to people. To be close to others.

He left. I now feel so empty and like I need to fill that void again. It's only a month until I see him again but it's gonna be a long month and I'm going to be in a mood about it the whole time. At least I'm covered in marks from him I guess.

Came home from work in such a dog mindset and I had one single drink and it made it so much more intensified… then I sat on the floor and he petted my head… then he gave me belly rubs… then scratched… then kissed… then spat in my mouth… then choked me… then gave me scars… then punched me… basically I got (consensually) abused and I loved it and took it like a boss. (All I actively did was lay down and follow orders (up, roll over, down…..) … maaajor need 2 live like this forever)

We made out and had sex and I treated him like a mutt. Was good.

He's making me read their messages. I'm seething.

It's fine though. I'll just revoke his data access. And keep him occupied. Then he'll have no choice.

We r drinking and having a good time and he's soured it by telling me that his American friend was sending him posts. I'm going to crash out istg.

We r drinking and having a good time and he's soured it by telling me that his American friend was sending him posts. I'm going to crash out istg.

Has been here a day and it's going well so far... keep it up guys

I just realised I gave him the password to my iPad. That has tumblr logged in. On this account. I'll be damned if I let him anywhere NEAR this account. So glad I remembered before he arrived.

He had the audacity to tell me that he'd be speaking to the American friend when they were online. No, you're not. You're coming here to spend time with me. I don't have anybody else like you do. I don't have someone to turn to when you're not around, when you don't want me, I don't have someone I can call my "partner". You're pulling me to shreds.

It's not fair that you can just have someone else so easily. I'm trying to find other people, other friends, but none of them are like you, nobody's the same, similar. I can't trust them like I trust you, and even then, I don't know WHY I trust you after being hurt by you like this. Maybe it's because I have just enough rationality to recognise that I'm the problem. But something inside me is prying, telling me that I'm not the problem, that you should be treating me so carefully, like I'm glass that's about to shatter, that you should know how fragile I am. I don't know anymore.

Did not drink. Need to drink if we get like this again. And it will be blackout drunk. I can't handle him even saying that thing's name.

I should speak to puppy's American friend. Maybe it would make me feel less anxious and like this. Maybe even make me feel more calm.

Fractured. I’m about to kms and I’m so close to being serious.

Everything was so fine until right now.

I’m going to drink so hard to forget it and try to ignore it.

Things r so good so far this week.. waiting for the inevitable fracturing. Though, if that can happen AFTER next week once he's visited me (a SUPER recent development. I'm so excited.), I'd be very grateful. World, hear my plea.

Things r so good so far this week.. waiting for the inevitable fracturing. Though, if that can happen AFTER next week once he's visited me (a SUPER recent development. I'm so excited.), I'd be very grateful. World, hear my plea.

I hate having dreams. Why did I have a dream about him telling me he wants to know what I'm into so he knows how to play with me and him saying that he loves me and that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me forever. My head is fucking evil.

It happened. He fell asleep on call with "American friend". How could I have guessed that would happen. I'm going to bed.

I've got an odd feeling he's gonna do this again tonight. It wouldn't surprise me tbh. If he does, I'll be super mega upset tho.

No cuz I'm actually so pissed why didn't he tell me he wasn't gonna sleep call with me . Why didn't he say he was gonna be chilling out with someone else. I just want communication it's not fucking hard. I communicate everything to you and you don't communicate back. It's not fair.

And right when you're in the middle of talking to me, you interrupt me to tell me you're getting a call from your "friend". I'm ignoring you for the rest of the night JUST for that.

I'm trying so hard to keep you here with me, but you just keep choosing other people over me. If I could treat you like dirt and make you cut off everyone you talk to like this, I would. If we didn't care so much about you, I'd order you to stop doing whatever you're doing and focus on me. It feels like you're taunting me, telling me you're going to others to seek out this kind of treatment. Maybe I should start talking to other people before you, and show you how it feels to be the last picked dog. The runt of the litter. Dumb mutt.

I'm always the last option, aren't I?

He doesn't know he's mine. He really doesn't have a clue. Keeps talking about how he keeps flirting with people, but he won't get anywhere with all that. It's a futile attempt to get away. He's stuck with me, and I don't think he'll ever figure it out :3

I always come first, puppy. Always.

His puppy. His puppy. Butterflies in my stomach.

A part of me thinks "let's see how long that lasts" but idc I'm euphoric rn. And sobering up too but euphoric mostly.

Slightly glad I don't have any internet connection in the complex whilst on holiday cuz now I don't have to deal with it if he decides not to message me.

No cuz I'm actually so pissed why didn't he tell me he wasn't gonna sleep call with me . Why didn't he say he was gonna be chilling out with someone else. I just want communication it's not fucking hard. I communicate everything to you and you don't communicate back. It's not fair.

That explains why he wasn't talking to me last night. Or sleep call with me. Cuz he was sleep calling with another person. And it wasn't even his weird American friend thing. I'm going to do what he did last night and ignore the message. Purposefully ignore it so he knows I'm not happy. Is it so hard to communicate with me that you're going to be with someone else. Is it so hard to tell me what you're doing and what your plans are. Asshole.

Whines. Feels so good.

He really just makes my good days worse. I don't know if it's on purpose or if he's just oblivious. I burned myself for him and he doesn't even care. No praise, no degrading, no disappointment. Nothing. It feels like everything I do is all for nowt. I just want him to fucking look at me. He's lucky he doesn't live near me.

He's hiding from me. Invisible on discord. Only replying to what he wants to. I hope he doesn't feel good. I hope he's having some sort of mental break. I hope he feels what I feel 24/7.

Why am I so anxious. He called me good boy after I joined him, then I went to go wash up before bed, and every few seconds I got pangs through my body like I could sense he was saying stuff. Obviously he wasn't. But my head kept saying things like "come back, puppy" "You're not making owner very happy" "very disobedient. You don't want me, do you?" and I had to physically hold myself from getting my phone to check if he was messaging me. I got really scared. I don't like being like this.