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About once every two years, I go to Taiwan (I'm in Taipei right now) and feel like an outsider, but also, at home. I am Chinese American. Here, I look like everyone else. I'm not a minority. It's only when I open my mouth that the jig is up, because I'm American, and although my mandarin is good back in the states, but here, my mandarin is no better than a kindergartners, and that brings me a lot of shame and frustration. I want to be literate in this beautiful culture. Currently, I understand more Chinese than I can speak. The only mandarin I ever speak is to my parents, and their immediate friends, and they always praise my parents for making me speak mandarin at home. Back at home, in the states, people I don't know see me and sometimes speak to me slower because I'm Chinese, and I haven't spoken yet. They always have a look of surprise when I start speaking English. I feel very much like a minority there, but it's home and I understand. Don't get me started when I get a call from my parents, and I immediately speak in mandarin. They think I'm speaking in tongues or something. But I don't mind. It's a form of pride. I mean, I can speak 2 languages! Most people just know one. I grew up in a small town in Columbus Ohio. We moved there in the early 90s, from New Orleans and my family was one of the only Asian people there. It was hard. I felt so out of place and so alone. I hated all the questions of whether I ate dogs or cats (no), and why my eyes were slanted (I don't know). I was called a chink and my language mocked and made fun of. So much so that I hated being Chinese for a bit. But it's okay now. It gave me a thick skin and an understanding that some people are just ignorant to be ignorant and don't want to learn. It's not my problem. I'm sitting here at a cafe drinking my iced latte in this beautiful city. I have a lot of positivity in my heart right now, but I wish I could express it more eloquently in mandarin, but it's okay, because this is who I am. It took a long time to accept the things I cannot change, but I want to change the perspective. One day, I will write a poetry of love in mandarin, and it will be spectacular. I'm ABC and proud. I am American Born Chinese
I know a lot of people don’t want to live anymore, and I know many have lost hope, thinking their lives won’t get any better. I completely understand where they’re coming from, I felt that too at some point and obviously get episodes of sadness and regret. Sometimes the turmoil the world throws at us—the overthinking, the stress, and the deep sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection—makes it so hard to believe things can improve.
But in those moments, what keeps me going are the unexplored ventures ahead of me. There are so many books I haven’t read, so many movies I haven’t watched. Perhaps there’s a legendary album yet to release that I haven’t heard. There are so many fields, skills, and hobbies left to discover. So many places to visit, and so many people to meet.
And what about the person I’m supposed to be loved by? There’s so much this world offers that’s far beyond the adversities we face. I look at beautiful, articulate women, draped in elegance and poise, and I wonder what I’ll look like one day. A single book changed my career decisions—who knows what else I’ve been wrong about all this time?
What will I look like as an adult? As an elderly person? I have to make my younger self proud, too. When I think about all of this, the negative thoughts start to fade. There’s so much I have yet to know and experience, and I’m not going to let my past define my future. Yes, these things are sometimes overwhelming, but I think , these things are worth living for 🩷
Just a thot👾