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Sorry For Being Depressing - Blog Posts
I act out in hopes that I won't be left alone. I speak loudly in hopes that people will listen. I take fast in hopes that I don't bore people. I say everything I can in hopes that people won't forget. I do so much to try and have friends but at the end of the day I'm just the weird girl who says unhinged stuff. I just want to not feel alone for once. I want to be able to do the things I dream about with someone else. I sacrifice what I want so that someone will stick with me, but I never get that in return. I let them treat me like shit because at least they acknowledge me. I'm alone even when I'm surrounded by my friends because I know they would choose each other over me.
you can’t save everyone. you can’t fix them.
my new therapy, hello tumblr
Def not morbid poem
Can one tell I got depression? I don't think so...
Not gonna lose this battle this time
Sometimes I realize how much potential I have. Both mentally and physically. And when I come back to my senses I feel ashamed and angry at myself. I could be everything I wanna be, but it's all covered up by my laziness and 30lbs of fat. It's miserable to think about what I can become and I don't have the willpower to act. I can feel it, that I'm destined to be more. But how can I achieve it? Im battling depression for a long time now, I don't know how to get started when my pasts chains are holding me back. Can anyone help me?
TW
It's crazy how with a little bit of adhd and excelling grades you can convince everyone that Ur fine, even when Ur OD'ing.
The same way you can’t force people to enter your life, you can’t force them to stay.
Let them go; let yourself heal. You’ll be okay, always have been, and always will be.
I can’t help but get really insecure at times about my art. I see all of this beautiful artwork on tumblr or in comics, things that I strive to be like, and what I want to do for the rest of my life. But then I keep looking at my art… seeing how it’s nothing like how I want it to be, even when I take classes and lessons, nothing changes… and I can’t help but wonder… if I’m not good enough for myself… will I ever be good enough for the real world?
I’m going through one of those depressive times and I was wondering if I posted any comics about my ocs and made a fancomic of diabolik lovers on here and on another website say like; Tapas… if anyone hypothetically… would anyone really care?
Would anyone really show up? If I made the best thing ever that is absolutely perfect in my eyes… would anyone really care even a single part of it? I don’t really know… I thought I would be happy just sharing my stories with others… but it’s the fact that no one really seems interested in things I think are cool, or things I’ve spent lots of time and effort on, I mean I’ve been on this site for what? Two years? Three? At this point and the ask box is still empty, and no one has really commented or said anything else other than oh yeah that’s cool! Is it something that I’m doing wrong? Are there social ques that I’m still not picking up on? Yet I still feel bad about venting about complaining about anything because I’m worried about coming across as an ungrateful entitled brat… sorry… I tend to ramble and I tend to overthink things, along with the fact that I don’t really know if I am supposed to be doing something.
So most people would know me from the era on tumblr where hazbin hotel was trending, or for my Mr. Puzzles work, but to put it simply, my x reader fanfiction. I went on hiatus around late june, early july (ish?) and then mid july deactivated my account.
I wouldn’t have made a post about it if not for all of my almost 5,000 followers who I totally disappeared on without any explanation. I know my work meant a lot to some people, and even if I grew to dislike it myself, I shouldn’t have just deleted it all.
To keep it vague, i’ve had a really hard time lately, I got really paranoid and kinda freaked out, ended up deleting my account without much thought - not my best choice. Juggling my mental illness got really hard, and the safest option in my head at the time was disappearing like… everywhere.
Honestly, not expecting much of a reaction to this post, but if anyone’s looking for me I thought I could say something. Thinking about opening requests again if you guys are willing to have me back, in the light of the new umbrella academy season and the second coming of the gravity falls fandom.
In summary, stay classy sandiago.
I take perfect care of myself, i work, I'm in a good relationship, i eat well, and i work out. Yet still i have this awful feeling of dread every second of the day, it's unfair.
Something that needs to be talked about more is how you'll randomly get over a depressive episode because of the most minor things?? I know as soon as one minor inconvenience happens it'll come back but I'm at peace with that. Still baffled at how easy it is to be okay, even for a few days.
I've just had a devastating realization about something that happened to me. Time to doomscroll on tumblr til my brain forgets
" LITTLE DOVE ,,
|| pairings: hawks x gn!reader / keigo takami x gn!reader
|| synopsis: reader has had bad days before, some that makes them feel unworthy. keigo will always be there to try and help you through it though. (comfort)
|| word count: 0.5k
It was a bad day. something you weren't strangers to. Something Keigo wasn't strangers to either, he knew how to help. On days you would get out of bed and the day would just shit on you. Or days where you couldn't get out of bed period. Today was one of those days you genuinely tried, but the world was still unkind.
"You're okay, dove," Keigo whispered into your ear as the two of you sat in bed. You were curled up, a hood over your head as you kept yout eyes closed. The winged hero faced you as he had a wing over the both of you, acting as a warm red blanket. "I'm right here with you."
"'m sorry." You muttered, toying with the strings of your hoodie as you kept your eyes shut.
You hated that Keigo saw you like this. Shit, he was probably tired from hero work. He just got home, and that guilt ate at you. A small pit in your stomach had created when he asked you beforehand if you were in bed all day. It wasn't condescending, no quite the opposite. He wanted to knkw what type of day it was, just to know the best way to try and help you.
"Don't say that, my little dove," His fingers brushed through your hair, a way to try and calm you. Something he found out helped when you were going through shit like this. "You have nothing to apologize for."
"But you're probably tired from hero wo-"
"Nah, I'm super strong so I'm barely tired," He shot a playful wink to you. A small attempt to try and lighten the mood. "So right now, you're my top priority."
"It's probably-"
"Don't even try and say it's annoying, little dove." He held you closer, his gentle hug tightening around you. A way to help ground you, or a small comfort. Either way, it helped. "You matter to me. You will always matter to me. You mean so much to me and would ditch any hero meeting to come and help you if you're having a shitty day."
Before you could try to say something he pressed a small kiss to your forehead and took a big inhale before speaking more.
"I love you and care about you. Nothing will ever change that. The world is so much better with you in it. I know you won't believe me, but I want you to know that. I'll repeat it everyday if you need me to." Keigos words sounded so genuine, so true coming from his lips. "I'm so proud of you, little dove. Even if you just stay in bed all day or if you find out to cure every disease in the world. I will always be proud of you."
Small tears welled in your eyes as you pulled Keigo closer to you. A few moments of silence passed as you let Keigo's words sink in. Somethings you needed to hear today, and mlst likely things you'll need to hear in future days as well. But Keigo will gladly repeat them a million times over.
"Thanks, Keigs.."
"Don't thank me, little dove.. I love you."
"I love you too."
|| didnt have a good day, wrote this on a whim, suuuper short, lowkey needed this :( keigo ily
"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"
~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.
I am that friend who walks behind everyone when the path becomes too narrow for four people.
The many stages of depression: (TW)
Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.
It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.
As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.
I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.
Here it goes:
1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.
2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come
3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.
4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…
5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.
When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.
6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.
Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.
ever just zone out and start questioning everything??? keeps happening recently, stressing me out slightly.
been reading No longer Human by Osamu Dazai and I keep catching myself thinking the same way he would
So I done this Melanie Martinez what song are you quiz as a joke but I got Crybaby and got called out in the discription part of it
LIKE WTF NO NEED TO EMOTIONALLY CALL ME OUT LIKE DAMM
ALSO ONLY 2% GOT CRYBABY AND THIS QUIZ HAD OVER A GOOD FEW K PEOPLE WHO DONE THIS TEST
The fact I crybaby is one of my favourite songs make this worse for me.
“You seem to replace Your brain with your heart”
“You take things so hardAnd then you fall apart”
“You try to explain But before you can start Those cry baby tears Come out of the dark”
“Someone's turning the handle To that faucet in your eyes They're pouring out Where everyone can see”
“Your heart's too big for your body It's why you won't fit inside You pour it out Where everyone can see”
“They call me crybaby crybaby but I don’t f*cking care”
It’s like 1:00 am and I keep having these weird thoughts so I’m just gonna post them here because I feel like if any site is gonna get me it would be this site. I keep having these weird thoughts because I’m super insecure but I’m also super nice so my brain sometimes just puts me in weird, impossible situations. The most common though I have is if I ever met someone who looked exactly like me or if I ever met another me that was the exact same as I am now how would I react. My brain typically does this when I’m being self deprecating and I’m overwhelmed so my first thought is typically that I’m ugly but then my brain starts berating me for being mean to this not real person who looks exactly like me. I then go in circles about this for about an hour until I force myself to sleep or I get distracted by something else.
I’m beautiful but I’m broken.
I wish I had the courage to end it all.
speak to a therapist
Already do 💅
᧔o᧓ comfort .ᐟ
xavier love and deepspace fluff/slight angst! x female reader. comfort fic. reader is in a deep depression. ong this is js based on me. she feels so empty but keeps going like a robot. xavier helps her feel better. i just wrote this for comfort to myself because i havent been feeling well at all.
Xavier didn’t question why today you seemed to crave his touch and attention more than usual. Normally, affection flowed freely between you and your boyfriend, but lately, an unshakable heaviness had settled in your heart, dimming your once vibrant spirit. Despite your unwavering love for Xavier, nurtured and deepened through time, the weight of depression had become an unwelcome companion.
You lounged in the bedroom of your shared apartment, having not left bed since the previous afternoon. Xavier noticed the deterioration, how you stayed awake till morning, slept through the day, and needed reminders to eat. When he checked on you, concern etched in his features, you waved him off with a feeble excuse about needing a break from hunting, urging him to focus on work.
How was he to continue his day knowing the woman he cherished was in pain? He knew better than to pry when you weren’t ready to open up, fearing it might worsen your state. Yet today, when he returned home, you greeted him at the doorway in one of his hoodies and shorts, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck. “Miss you,” you whispered, seeking solace in Xavier’s embrace. He held you tightly, his voice a comforting balm as he asked, “How are you today, my love?” Tears welled in your eyes at his tenderness, and as they spilled over, Xavier gently lifted you into his arms and carried you back to bed.
His murmured reassurances were soft as he laid you down, his hand soothingly rubbing your back. “I’m here. I won’t leave,” he promised, his caring gaze a lifeline in the storm of your emotions. Gratefulness swelled within you for a boyfriend as attentive and loving as Xavier.
Quickly shedding his work clothes for comfort, Xavier slid under the covers beside you. His skilled hands encircled your waist as he drew you close, pressing kisses to the crown of your head. You clung to his scent, fingers tightening on his shirt as if afraid he might vanish. Tears continued to streak your cheeks, each one a testament to the ache in Xavier’s heart. He leaned closer, kissing away your tears, silently urging you to speak.
“Sorry for pushing you away lately,” you finally began, your voice cracking with emotion. Xavier shook his head gently, his thumb brushing away the remnants of tears. “You don’t need to apologise, angel.”
“I feel so lost, Xavi... I don’t understand what I’m feeling... I love you, that hasn’t changed, but I feel drained, empty. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, like a hollow shell. I push you away because I’m terrified of dragging you into this void with me. I feel selfish that you take care of me like this, like some sort of burden.”
Xavier listened quietly, his fingers tracing soothing patterns on your skin, his eyes never leaving yours. When you finished, he caressed your hips tenderly, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “Never feel terrified about ‘dragging’ me anywhere. Whatever you’re going through, I want to be there with you. I love you deeply, and I’ll be patient. If you need space, I’ll give it. If you want me close, I’ll stay. If you want to stay in bed, wear my clothes, I’ll support you every step.”
His eyes held yours with unwavering sincerity, offering you his heart and strength. You hiccupped through a smile, feeling a weight lift as Xavier’s words enveloped you in warmth and security. “I love you,” he whispered again, his touch tender against your tear-streaked face.
“I love you too,” you replied softly, leaning into his touch. Xavier kissed you lovingly, pouring his heart into the moment, promising silently to be your anchor in the storm until the darkness lifted.
“If you feel like a void, let me fill it with everything I have to give,” he murmured against your lips, sealing the vow with a kiss.
Living just keeps getting harder by the day, I don't know if i can keep going like this. I hate going to school. The way people look at me is so suffocating. The way people talk about me. Why do i have to suffer like this? Is liking someone a crime now? Just because i liked a guy? School isn't fair, they only got off with a warning. I can't even bring myself to look at people anymore, i feel like i am the one at fault, and not the victim with the way people look at me.
I hate highschool.
I need a bit of help here, people.
I've been in a long-distance relationship for 11 years. He visits me one to two weeks a year, is smart, kind, very sweet, and full of love.
However, I find him to be very unattractive.
Mostly because I feel that I am the only one putting any effort in bettering my physical health, maintaining my appearance, and also... I'm not at all attracted to him. Not the way he is attracted to me, at least. He tries to initiate sex and I... 🤢 I just can't.
I feel awful. I love his mind and the way he treats me, and I've been desperately trying to change how I feel because I know appearances aren't everything. I feel guilty.