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i don’t know what to do
i can feel my bones cracking
my lifeless body clinging on to every little inch
of happiness, of breath,
of even the smallest movements i have
that remind me of you
because how could i ever forget
no matter what decision i try to make
no matter how much i try to fake
it just through the day
and i can taste what i ate this morning
and i can feel the tug on my back
and i can feel your pull on me from every side
i can feel you in my chest like i want to spit you up
and hold you so close at the same time
and i can’t sleep anymore
and sometimes i can’t even breathe
because you keep me there
in another world like i’m not really here
like i never have to sleep or breathe and
i can just be with you
growing like a rose
god, how could you let it be this close?
if you were really there why?
why would you give me this decision to make
to turn me into a murderer
make me into some torturer
of my own body and my own self care
just know you’ll always be a special one
you’ll always be my number one
my first, my always in debt
my knot around my finger so i never forget
but i can feel my body beneath me crumbling
i can feel my words fumbling
making the wrong things come out
making me scream and shout
when i don’t want to anymore
i don’t want to fight anymore