Tw Self Harm - Blog Posts

Oh jesus christ, I don’t like reblogging sad stuff but wow, boost this

Hey everyone this is probably the most important post that I have ever made!

This is a one note= one hour they wont self harm post for @miyameowmura

Dont spam it because they will disregard most of them! Especially comments so dont super spam comments!

@thehugwizard @official-spookifers-child @therealbeesechurger @thorneedsahug @crystalrainwing @americaspencil @agent--nova @theleaningtowelof-piza @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

Everyone who sees this PLEASE reblog and boost this!

Many people are of the opinion that some of the abuses that C!Dream faces are in some way justified or excusable. Which, no! Abuse is never okay! But lets put that aside for one moment. Lets pretend that yes, c!dream being subject to solitary confinement is defensable due to the moral boundaries that he’d crossed. That he posed such a threat to other people, that he was bad enough of a person, that his rights are now null and void.

Where do we draw the line? I’m genuinely curious, at what point in the storyline did people no longer think he deserved adequate living conditions? What action did he take that then made it perfectly okay for him to be cut off from any form of support network? What moment meant that his canonical self harm could then be dismissed as attention seeking?

And if we’ve now established that there is some point when abuse is justified, surely that logic must be applied universally? What action would c!tommy have to take where exile was okay? Where is that line in the sand?

The logic behind excusing the conditions of pandoras vault is the same behind justifying the exile arc.

A study on over 200,000 prison inmates showed that whilst making up just 7% of the prison population, those in solitary confinement made up 53% of all recorded acts of self harm.

There is a possibility that these statistics show correlation, and not causation. That those placed in solitary confinement were already those more likely to reoffend, and with pre-existing mental health problems. However this argument is refuted when looking at other observable effects on the brain. 

A 2018 study showed that after just one month of isolation, in the sensory and motor parts of  mice's’ brains, their neurons shrunk by 20 percent after one month of isolation, and by 25 percent after three months. Further research is needed to determine if this loss is permanent, as well as looking for other areas of change. 

What if c!quackity finds out abt c!dreams’ sh. He decides that since he’s so good at hurting himself, he can give c!quackity a break. C!dream being instructed to inflict pain, being handed a weapon and only able to turn it against himself. One of his few forms of control taken by c!quackity. Self harm had been an unhealthy coping mechanism, but it was one of only a few coping mechanisms’ he’d had

maybe it isn’t healthy for kids in this fandom to hear almost everyone dismiss sh as ‘just for attention’??

I’ve seen a lot of people say that c!dreams behaviour in pandoras vault is him ‘manipulating’ everyone, and whilst I personally don’t think so, I wouldn’t care if he was. Even if he is altering his demeanour to illicit sympathy- it’s for the goal of avoiding torture? So many of c!dreams actions are unjustifiable, but that is most certainly not one of them.

If during exile, c!tommy had been lying to his visitors or to c!dream with the end goal of securing his freedom, that would be 100% understandable. If his suicidal ideation had been an act to bring about the end of exile, these actions would have been seen as clever, as a smart tactic c!tommy was utilising. Most people would see this manipulation as a way of escaping his abuser.

In addition, if someone is self harming ‘for attention’, it still counts as self harm and needs to be taken seriously. The fact that c!dream is in such a desperate situation that he has committed suicide multiple times is extremely worrying-regardless of any other outcomes he is attempting to achieve.

If I see one more person say that c!dream was self harming for attention I am going to go apeshit

AHFJAHFBW ACTUALLY EXPLODES I LOVE TJEY WAY U DRAWING HIMMM AJFJAJ <33

He's here to show his appreciation ^^ (he's gna lick u)

I PLAYED AROUND WITH THE WORDS SWAMPING RUSSIAN WITH ENGLISH AND ENGLISH WITH RUSSIAN- :3 // NOT MY OC!

(READ PAGES FROM RIGHT TO LEFT)

Chrysanthemum Days Chapter 3

[Part 1] | [Part 2] | [Part 3] | [Part 4] | [Part 5] | [Part 6]

Chapter 3 is OUT and oh man its brutal.

TW: Story Arc Chrysanthemum Days has subjects of intense bullying, suicide baiting, manipultion, social isolation, and mentions of self influcted wounds. If any of these subjects bothers you, skip this story arc.

TW Saeyoung walking in on you c//ting

~Post type: Short story~

Author’s Note: Please be safe, this story includes mentions of Self Harm, blood and possible depression.

Please do not read if any of those topics are upsetting or triggering <3

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You promised yourself you wouldn't do this anymore

You promised. But yet, you couldn't stop yourself. One moment you were brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed and the next you were reaching into the all too familiar tin in the back of the bathroom cabinet. You stopped yourself for a second; what would you say if anyone saw you right now? They'd probably ask you why. 

Why? You didn't know. It was just.. Something you did sometimes. You just needed the slicing pain to know you could still feel pain. Almost as if you needed to remember there wasn't just happiness in life. But no, that wasn't it. It was because you felt deep down that you didn't deserve the happiness. You took out one of the thin razor blades and placed it against your thigh, just high enough to be unnoticeable unless you were naked. You took a deep breath, closed your eyes and sliced. You hissed and went in again, slightly higher this time. Two was enough, you told yourself. You rinsed the blade and placed it back in the tin, tucking it away back in the cabinet. Just as you were grabbing a cloth to clean up the thin lines, now with beads of blood popping up and trailing down, you heard a knock at the door. "Honey, you've been in there for a while," You heard Saeyoung say through the bathroom door. "Are you getting dressed all nice just to sleep? Or did you have something else in mind?" He was teasing. "Oh, um no I-I'm okay. I'm just... Cleaning up." You stammered, trying to stop the bleeding, but the beads kept returning. "...I'm going to come in, is that okay?" He said, a serious tone in his voice. "Um, just-" You tried to say, holding the cloth under cold water, trying to wash off the blood and use the cold to stop the bleeding. You looked over at the door, noticing you forgot to lock it. Just as you were about to reach for the knob, the door slowly swung open. Guiltily, you pulled up your pajama bottoms and held the cloth behind your back. "Hi." You said, cheeks flushed and hands behind your back. You were sure you looked guilty, but you still tried to act normal. "Honey, what happened? Are you okay?" He said, cupping a warm hand against your cheek. "Um I..." You started. He kissed your forehead, and seemed to spot the cloth behind your back. "MC," He said, gently reaching for the cloth. He rarely ever called you by your name, only reserved for serious conversations. You didn't fight him, and handed it over. "What happened?" He was calm, but you could tell in his eyes that he was worried. "I... I'm sorry." Was all you could muster. You started tearing up. "I'm so sorry, Sae." "Hey. Come here." He wrapped you in a hug. You laid your head on his chest and could hear his heart drumming away in his chest while his shirt was getting more and more wet with your tears. He tossed the cloth in the sink and held you, both tightly and gently. "I'm sorry. I wasn't going to do it, but it was habit, and- And I just wasn't strong enough not to. I'm so sorry." You sobbed, grabbing the back of his shirt. He could figure it out from your ramblings what had happened. "It's okay honey, you're okay." He stroked your hair, and slightly rocked side to side, holding you close. "Do you need to be cleaned up?" "I don't know, that's what I was doing when you came in but..." You said, sniffling and trying to calm down. "Okay, hold on for a second," He bent down, and lifted you up, placing you gently on the small counter behind you. He placed a soft kiss on your lips, and tucked your hair behind your ear. "While I clean you up can we talk for a bit?" He talked quietly. "Yeah." You said, taking a deep breath. "Okay, where is it?" You wiggled your bottoms down, so he could see the- still bleeding- cuts. You turned away, ashamed at the wounds. "So," He started, grabbing the cloth and wringing it out so it was only damp. "What happened, My Love?" "I just felt a random urge and I figured I'd done it before without getting caught... I told myself just this once and then never again." You said, turning your head to look at him. He gently wiped the cuts and the blood around them. "Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?" He said, rinsing the cloth and wiping your legs again. "Okay...” He nodded, urging you to continue.

“Anyways, I figured I needed to." You closed your eyes, not able to meet his. "You needed to? Why did you need to, baby?" "I needed to remind myself that there's more than just happiness in life." You felt ashamed to admit it, feeling your eyes filling again. "Can you look at me for a second?" He said, placing the cloth over both wounds and pressing it firmly. You opened your eyes, and tried to blink away your tears. "You're right. There are things other than happiness and love in life." He smiled, bitter-sweetly. "But that doesn't mean you have to feel all of it. I told you before and I'll say it again, I don't ever want to let you be in pain. Especially not because of me. When we first met, you told me that you wouldn't be in danger because of me. Do you remember that?" You nodded. "So, I don't want you to feel like the love that I give you needs to be evened out with pain, okay?" He kissed your cheek and wiped your tears. "Okay." He picked the cloth up off of your leg and grabbed bandages from the cabinet. You spotted the tin at the same time he did. You looked away in shame. You heard the rattling of the tin and the small bandage box. You looked back at him, his hands holding only the bandage box. He carefully unwrapped a few and gently placed hem on your leg. You noticed his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, as he always does when he's focusing. After he placed the bandages, he lightly fluttered  kisses around your wounds. When he placed the box back in the cabinet you noticed the tin was gone, but you didn't see where he'd moved it to. He helped you pull your bottoms back up and wriggle off the counter. "Are you feeling better?" He said, lifting you in his arms. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. Nuzzling your head in the crook of his neck, you nodded. "Good." He carried you back to your shared room and placed you carefully on the bed. "I'll be right back, okay?" He said, kissing your forehead and stepping away from the bed. You almost asked him what he was going to do or begged him to stay next to you. But you were too tired to press, and you figured you knew what he was doing anyway from the way his pocket rattled. You could just wait for him with your eyes shut. After a few minutes, you stirred back awake to feel the bed dip. "Sorry to wake you up." He said softly. You just turned to face him and nuzzled in closer. "S'Okay." You hummed. "I love..Sae.." You said, drifting back to sleep. "I love you too, Honey."

Syo in the actor au

And heres the sketch

Kirigiri is mean >:(.

(Syo has ZERO fashion sense.)

Tw slight self harm

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For @a-concert-just-for-me BPD Hunter oneshot!

“Hunter’s not sure when he’d started sobbing

He untangles his knees from the dirt and repositions himself to sit on his bottom with his knees pulled to his chest. From this position, he can wrap his arms around his legs and scratch his forearms as hard as he possibly can.

The sting of pain isn’t enough. He wants to flay the meat of his arms open and cause as much damage as possible. Sadly, gouging welts into ins skin with his hands isn’t as productive. There’s no way he can cut anywhere near as deep without a knife.”

Go read their fics! This is just a small part of the oneshot!

The link right here

TW Self-harm, mentioning suicide. Manga spoilers too!

I’ve thought about the last idea a lot and Im gonna sAY SOME CAUSE I CANT HELP MYSELF!

One of my favourite Aizawa lines in the show has got to be when he outlines that there is a clear difference between self-sacrifice and suicide. The show already uses the two of them to outline differences and Aizawa’s already sacrificed so much so like chile-

SECONDLY! So we’re all in agreement that Hizashi is going through survivors guilt, even moreso considering the lack of injuries he sustained in the war arc. Going back to one of my HCs Hizashi starts to try to make up for the lack of pain he felt and put onto others. It just looks like he's become more reckless when he’s really just- harming himself on purpose while fighting but it doesn’t look suspicious to the outside cause he's a hero. It’s considered brave. The perfect outlet for him to keep his slipping mask of a persona on while he continues to shatter! And people are celebrating it, cause they don’t know, which only breaks him further. Course Aizawa notices but it’s the usual excuse after excuse after excuse after excuse

Absolute bangers and I’m in tears :D!

Things I might draw nebulous things for in the future but need to say out loud before I blow up

-shōta often has that air around hizashi where he’s like “god he’s loud. Wish he’d be more quiet” and hizashi just brushes it off. but after the whole recent fiasco, when shōta says those things, hizashi actually just stops talking for a while. And shōta is starting to get really worried about it.

-hizashi becoming much more protective to the point of it being self destructive. He slips into a “no more harm is going to come to the people I love no matter what” and you know I’m a sucker for “zashi gets seriously hurt trying to protect shō” content lol

idk if i sent a request yet bc i remember typing one out but idk if i sent it but uhhh itd be super cool if you could draw mic angst/whump/gory shit... maybe him making someones ears bleed, or killing/injuring someone on accident...? idk i love how u draw mic and i love angst, so itd be p cool to see that, imo. its chill if ur not comfortable drawing that tho, i understand. if you do decide to do it tho, have fun with it!!! <3 (urs truly, mic @iscreamalot)

I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS WHAT YOURE LOOKIN FOR DUDE BUT I HAVE SO MANY MORE ANGST HCS FOR THIS DUDE.

First HC: Hizashi would make mistakes on purpose to get beat up while fighting villains to make up for the pain he didn't receive before. He'd then use that as an excuse to beat the shit out of them. He won't let Recovery girl heal him. He "deserves" the wounds, he's going to heal on his own.

YALL CAN BLAME @iscreamalot FOR THE UPCOMING HC SKETCHES /j

Cut

Warnings: depression, graphic description of self-harm, self-hatred, suicidal ideation

Characters: Shouta Aizawa x reader

Words: ~1.6k

AN: Repost from my old account. This is a completely self-indulgent fic. It’s meant to be comforting, but the description of self-harm (and the aftermath of said harm) is based on real life experience and is written graphically. It could very well be triggering to some, so please do not read if you think it may upset you. Stay safe my loves <3

Keep reading

Stealing the quote at the end. Gonna take it apart in my head (Google docs) n then do some good shit with it

It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry. The parasite demands a predator.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KO-FI

There was a little girl. Maybe she was in me; maybe she was me.

But she talked too loud and she hurt and she cried and I didn't know how to make her stop.

So I slapped a hand over her mouth and held it there until she stopped struggling. Until it was quiet.

Maybe it was hate; maybe it was fear. I'm not sure why I did it and I don't know if she's still here.

Sometimes I feel echoes in memories of the person I used to be. The kind that feel like hope and pain and the unknown.

The me that cared so much I couldn't stand it. The feelings clawed at my throat and snubbed hot cigarettes in my eyes.

The emotions that set my limbs to restless and my heart racing until I was so exhausted i'd drop.

The me that was vulnerable. I killed her so I could be stronger, so I could be safe.

I feel distantly that I should mourn her but I can't think of a single thing about her to miss.

Maybe I'm not supposed to find myself in the past. Maybe I'm not going to achieve some mythical closure by carrying this sad corpse around with me. Maybe the best thing I can do is put her to rest an move on.

After all, you can't bring back the dead and I think that applies to yourself most of all.

Alright..... first let's start this off right... before I get super ultraviolet pretentious out this mug....

Now fair warning cuz this will get a little Ranty so TL:DR. Fair warning

Ok with that outta the way, good fucking God, is this the absolute shit! Ugh! Got a little too damn excited reading this and the last few ones. Been waiting and would rather post here on patreon because it seems more trafficked here but.... wow. While melled42 definitely is in my Top 3 favorite artists in this fandom for their art style and character focus. This shit hits me in all the right areas that gets me Ace Ventura levels of excited when reading it. I love how, despite the want of sex, violence and gore, the characters feel real and grounded, a layered just enough so you can understand their growth and struggle while also presenting realistic responses that fit within their characters, given what we know and this, is a nice combination. Cheese aside, I completely adore this because it represents a truth about people that most don't want to accept and saying it might piss people off but I'm gonna;

We Love Selfishly

Each and every single one of us, wants to imagine the idea that our love is boundless, endless, all encompassing and pure. That we love to make other people happy but honestly, that's false or at least, a half truth at best. Most of us who can feel romantic and sexual love, instinctively, despite our natural urges in an attempt to present our love in altruistic manners, deep down inside are seeking some form of validation, comfort, and acceptance from an external force. We see someone, who we only want to see us. Want us. Love us. To have and obtain something and someone that is ours and only ours that will never walk away and will always prioritize us. It is a selfish desire to seek such a form of love from others, to give ourselves meaning, value and purpose and honestly, that's perfectly fine! Its normal. Its probably the reason why so many people love Tsunderes and Yanderes despite the exaggerated extremes portrayed in media. We want someone that will only show us their truest, deepest and most vulnerable sides to their personalty. Gain access to a part of that person no other living person will ever be able to scratch. We want to feel needed, loved and wanted by someone who'd refuse to let us go, even in the face of possible better options, be it looks, personality, or hobbies. For someone to see the significance of who we are, even when we ourselves can't, and this grounded, instinctive trait has probably (in my most biased opinion) has been shown by Mel the best.

The way these two show fear at the concept of expressing their sense of vulnerability to each other, yet the refusal to accept a life where they can't be their absolute and truest selves with one another is fucking peak! For the first time (from my interpretation) Ewen is making a real choice to ve vulnerable, taking something they actually want for themselves, even if they themselves don't fully understand their own desires. They cling to the one person who gave their existence value, who focused solely on them and only them and for a time, could truly understand who and what they were, despite the clear bad blood between them. It shows how loving selfishly can lead to so many negative thoughts of doubt, worthlessness, insecurity (Which is ok for any and all genders to have) which can eat away at someone's mental health. Yet despite this, its the honest statement and open conversation that will ultimately save them from creating that connection with someone they want based on lies or worse, breaking the bond they wanted for so long due to their own preconceived notions on the subject.

These two are like everyone, desires, happiness, insecurities and fears. So many conflicting layers without a true proper understanding of who they are. So many of us are broken in ways we don't want to admit, but still desire to take the shards of our souls, combine them with another's and create a Stained-Glass Mural that will express the beauty of what we are and I fucking love how Ewen and Narinder truly represent this concept both physically through their actions and psychologically through their development. I wish so many other artists here would take from Melled when comes to this. Not just be willing to show a character has fears, but allow their characters to be OPENLY vulnerable with each other. To revel in pain and angst can be fun but is ultimately empty in the face of actual progressive growth and development.

Understand this is only half my thoughts at best and I could keep going but I think I need to lay down cuz I'm a little too damn excited. Remember these are my own personal opinionated thoughts so if anyone disagrees, feel free. But for me; Easily Top 3 artists in Cult of the Lamb hands down.

Narilamb comic "Truth" 3/4 (page 1) (page2)

ROD au masterpost

Bit of a TW on this one at the top

This was a lot of work but I like how it turned out, and its fun doing more horror stuff

next page wip and wips of the rest is up on patr30n

just some vent art that i took way too much time on :P

Small continuation of the previous post.

TW: mentions of death, self-harm

Liam was…He was…She could barely remember.  All she could focus on was that he was dead.  Deaddeaddeaddead.  And it was her fault.  He wanted to protect her.  If she was stronger…Not damaged not frail not weak not sick.  He might have been able to stay sane, but taking most of her share along with his made him the most unstable out of all of them.  She lost him the moment he made that choice.

Viola, pretty Viola with the pretty ugly, broken smile at the end.  She wanted to, tried her hardest to, to reassure her that none of it was her fault, but how could she come to terms with what she made her do, how could she come to terms with why she had to make her do that.  All the plans all the promises they made together turned to stardust.  Why wish on a star when it was too far away to help and you never knew how close it was to burning out.

Jake; she felt a bit of  pleasure at what she did to him.  They were always fighting in her memories even though she could barely remember anything at all.  He was always being mean to her.  Looking back she realized he was the one who believed in her the most.  He never did anything nice for her.  He always brought back things he thought she’d like when he went outside.  He was rude and her best friend and her hands were drippingdrippingdrippingdrippingdripping with his blood and she liked it and didn’t like it and he was kind to her and she forgot him.  He helped her learn her limitations and how to have fun in spite of them.  Everything she was died with him.

Father Brown was the one who ran the church and looked after them.  Looked after her the most because she was frail, so frail she could fall down from a single sneeze.  She hated it.  Hated being treated like the old vases next to the front doors.  She liked it.  Liked mattering to someone.  It was the most affection she had ever received from an adult.  He… she scratched her head some more.  He always made time for her.  Always told her about the places he’d been, always answered all her questions as much as he could, always read her stories to protect her from the nightmares and thoughts, always teaching her what she wanted to learn and what he thought she should learn.  He wasn’t just the church’s Father he was her father.

She scratched her head more and more and more and more and more.  She still had her memories.  She knew that.  They were just jumbled and still influenced by the medicine.  She just needed to dig them out.  So she dug at her skull until day turned to night and night turned to day over and over and over again.

Don't know if I'm gonna flesh this out more but here's a random plot bunny.

TW: mentions of death, self-harm

She couldn’t remember him.  Couldn’t remember who he was.  Who he was to her.  His face in her memories looked like the time…the time…someone…spilled his? Her? Drink on her sketchbook.  Who was he?  Why couldn’t she remember him?  Remember his face?  His face was wrong.  Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong.  Why couldn’t she remember?

“I’m sorry —”

She couldn’t remember.  Whywhywhywhywhy?  She wants to remember.  Don’t take his memory away.  Please —!  Don’t leave her.

“I’m sorry —.  You’ve always been my —”

She wanted to remember.  Needed to remember.  Neededneededneededneededneeded.  How?  She scratched at her skull.  Scratched and scratched and scratched and scratched and scratched as if that would dig away the blurriness.  She kept scratching, knelt in the grass the soil that was left after everything was washed away.  She was stuck there like an abandoned Halloween decoration someone placed in the middle of the field forest and forgot about.  She needed to remember him.  She tried to dig the memory out of her skull until something fell.  

It was a friendship bracelet.  It was old.  Had fallen apart and been put back together again and again and again and again and again.  It was dusty.  And the colors were muted.  But there was a name on it.  Sora.  She stopped scratching and stared at the bracelet.  Repeating the name over and over and over and over and over again.

“I’m sorry Sora” 

She looked at the bone the bracelet fell from.  There were four others.  All old.  All dusty and muted and broken and put back together again carefully.  Gently.  Like they were loved.  But she wasn’t supposed to love things anymore.  Or people.  Did she have any loved people left anymore?  She looked at the names on the bracelets.  Viola, Liam, Jake, and…  She took off the one closest to where her pulse used to be and picked up the one that fell.  The one with her name.  She cradled them like they’d turn to dust at any moment like her memories almost did.  She still had loved things.  She still had loved memories.  They couldn’t take those away.  But…  She cried softly and brokenbrokenbrokenbrokenbroken and barely brought herself to whisper one word like a plea spoken like a sickly child asking if today was the day she left his side.

“I’m sorry Sora.  You’ve always been my daughter”

What did the memories matter when she lost the only people she wanted to create them with?

“I never should have let you go with them”

TW: poor mental health, self-harm

Help Me:

Can you help me feel comfortable in my skin and keep the demons from getting in?

Can you help me silence the voices when I'm going deaf from all the noises?

Can you help me keep my hands away from my itch though all I want to do is tear my skin off when I scritch?

Can you help me steady my breathing if the choking air gets too seizing?

Can you help me save myself from drowning in my negativity before your place in my life starts uncrowning?

Might be part of something larger.

TW: depression, self-harm, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, blood

Red. Red was a beautiful color. It wasn't her favorite color but there was something enchanting about it. The way it flowed down her arm into the sink, taking her pain and memories with it. She couldn't tear her eyes away even if those people were screaming at her. Red. Down her arm. Red. Down the sink. Red red red. Down the drain. It was the only time she felt okay. Though she had to do it often since the feelings didn't last long. The relief, the comfort she felt in her skin for once, how she finally loved herself in those moments, it was all too short. She needed more red. Enough to last longer. To last the rest of her life. It was the only way she'd ever be okay.

"NAT, PLEASE DON'T TURN ME INTO A MARKETABLE HOODIE"

aAaaAAAaaAaAaaaAAAAAAAAAA—

(jk I'm not actually selling this hoodie it's expensive to make custom made stuff here, I made this for my own enjoyment)

SCP art and doodles I did this past month (not in order)

I feel really proud about this one took me 4 hours, Bright is one of my favorites

the mask duo breaching containment, this is the first SCP art I did in awhile

I really like SCP-049-ΩK I wish people know more about it <//3

the SCP Foundation Twitter did a 173 Birthday Art Contest so this is my entry :)

doodles of my favorite duo + 999

“The Lives in Time of Katherine Kaye”

A silly story about my silly OCs! (But there is also Drama and Angst!) I’m posting this in case anyone has heard something about my soulless mad scientist and her chaos-gremlin younger self and wants to know more, or just for anyone who may happen to be interested lol.

This is kinda a draft/summary of the story so far and as such, it’s a mess, but it’s still very long so I’ve put it under a readmore! (TW for (fictional/fantastical) medical stuff, medical procedures without consent, self-harm, internalized ableism of the anti-neurodivergent variety, identity confusion, and child harm/endangerment)

Some characters and a little worldbuilding, before the story gets started:

Beastfolk/Auracai (a weird fantasy race I made up that’s kind of like elves crossed with catpeople):

Beastfolk age at about half the rate of humans and look like normal humans, but with semi-retractable claws, thin catlike tails, red eyes, and sharpened canines.

“Beastfolk” is what humans call them, referencing their “animal” traits. They call themselves Auracai (this is both singular and plural)

They’re originally from another dimension that contacts the human world (the main story’s world) only occasionally - essentially rare but not unheard of immigrants in this world. 

Sometimes people end up in the wrong world by accident, without a way to get home, as travel between worlds is more “randomly/accidentally slipping through the cracks” than intentional, reliable travel.

Beastfolk can sense souls when in direct contact with someone, humans can’t. 

Katherine Kaye (the main character/characters)

2 versions of her in the story, the emotionless mad scientist adult and the adolescent little chaos gremlin

Auracai/Beastfolk

Has Autism + ADHD + Anxiety

has a much older brother, Theodore, who’s been taking care of them since they ended up in the human world together

KT (the adolescent chaos gremlin version of Katherine)

28 (equivalent of 14)

Mischievous streak

A prankster

Really intense emotions, prone to overreacting

Senior in high school because of weird aging

Amateur singer/songwriter/musician and this is a major part of her personality

goes by KT because “it’s like ‘Katie,’ but cooler!”

Both a STEM nerd and an artist

Dreams of having an impact on the world, both of changing things for the better and of being cool and famous

Self-perception swings with her moods: often confident to the point of arrogance or overconfidence, but during a breakdown she’s full of self-loathing and shame.

Wants to travel, explore, and live a somewhat adventurous life; an ordinary office job would never satisfy her. Boring AF and a total waste of her potential.

Pigtails/twin tails

Likes to act cute to get what she wants

Dr. Kaye (the soulless mad scientist/adult version of Katherine)

Removed her own soul (heart/emotions/creativity/etc.) in an experimental process, which she tested on herself in a frustrated attempt to prove herself and to stop having such intense mood swings + be more productive and “better” without her emotional overreactions.

Ended up getting stuck in the past because she was researching interdimensional travel in an attempt to find a reliable way to get back and forth between the human world and the Auracai world (in this story time travel creates a new timeline/slightly different reality)

creepy ever-present smile (this was a form of masking and a coping mechanism, and remains a habit)

egotistical and doesn’t really realize the extent of it: she thinks that without a soul she’s become perfectly logical and efficient and immune to emotional biases. (This is revealed to be untrue when she has to reevaluate the idea that her current “emotionless” state is an improvement.)

now has really limited emotional range and is coldly logical most of the time

still has a few common emotional states though: excited/passionate/enthusiastic about her work, frustrated/annoyed/exasperated with people who are “not smart enough to see her vision” or “keep getting in the way,” amused at others’ incompetence or at messing with people, and a state of discomfort/guilt/concern about what she’s lost and what things have come to that is usually easily repressed and ignored, triggered by reminders of who she used to be

Really any emotion she feels is almost always mild enough to easily ignore.

Started promoting her soul-removal procedure as a “therapy” for anxiety, depression, various other mood disorders and emotional issues, and autism-related intense mood swings.

tends to dismiss other people as running on “mere irrational emotion”

Age: ~80s (early 40s) (She basically has a midlife crisis after getting stuck in the past lol)

she doesn’t tend to go by her first name and absolutely refuses to answer to the nickname “KT,” even from Ted.

almost completely lost her creative, playful side. No interest in anything artistic, including the music she used to love. “Fun” is not only unnecessary, but largely impossible for her, and anything involving conveying or coping with emotions? Forget it.

KT’s brother/guardian: Theodore Kaye

Perpetually exhausted, at the end of his rope

Nicknamed Ted, rarely goes by his full name Theodore

~ 50 (equivalent of 25)

Responsible because he has to be

Introverted

Low energy

Autistic (I love giving everyone the ‘tism lol)

Loyal to his sister, has a special connection with the one person who was there for him both before and after getting stuck in a different world

The story so far:

KT sees something about Dr. Kaye in the news and it mentions that she’s Beastfolk, which makes KT think that maybe she and Ted have a relative they didn’t know about. So KT goes on a bit of a wild goose chase trying to contact this person who might just be someone who happens to have the same last name. They meet, and Dr. Kaye explains the time stuff. Ted is looking for help and Dr. Kaye is like “oh yeah should probably do that, younger me will probably be a great collaborator when she’s a little older.” Ted gets the feeling that something is off about Dr. Kaye, but kinda doesn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Clearly, this is his sister, or a version of her anyway, and although KT is a prankster, she’s a good kid. It’d totally be fine to trust her with… herself. Right? Right?

Time passes, Dr. Kaye recommends KT books, KT gets increasingly curious about Dr. Kaye’s weirder habits. She plays pranks on her, thinking her future self will laugh. She’d laugh. Dr. Kaye pretends to be amused the first time, then doesn’t react at all. She doesn’t react to a lot of things, actually, seeming to have no interest in much of anything, not caring about the things KT has liked her entire life. Something must have happened to her in the future that she refuses to discuss in order to create this weird disconnect, right? 

Meanwhile this entire time Dr. Kaye has just been… watching KT be herself, which causes her a slight, odd feeling of discomfort that she can’t seem to explain. 

Beastfolk, unlike humans, can sense someone’s soul when in direct contact with them. Dr. Kaye is careful to avoid touching people and not make it weird, a habit she formed before getting stuck in the past in order to avoid making other Beastfolk uncomfortable with her soullessness, and has become more important now that she’s stuck in the past and is attempting to hide her lack of a soul.  She also usually locks her bedroom door at night, but one night the door is accidentally left unlocked, and KT notices and tries to play a prank by putting a fake bug in Dr. Kaye’s bed while she’s asleep. She touched Dr. Kaye by accident  - she didn’t really mean to violate her boundaries, but she made the necessary contact and what she sensed was terrifying. 

KT: *screams*

Kaye: *wakes up confused* what the hell are you doing???

KT: *too scared to react*

Kaye: I forgot to lock the door, didn’t I? And now you’re in my room staring at me like a deer in headlights. Just what do you think you’re doing?!? 

KT: I, uh, it was just a prank, I didn’t mean to wake you up, you- your soul…

Kaye: *finds the fake bug* you touched me, didn’t you, as you were messing around trying to plant this ridiculous plastic bug for me to find in the morning… and I suppose I should explain things now that the cat is out of the bag, shouldn’t I? 

She explains to KT about removing her soul and KT is horrified, but even more fascinated. She wants to know more, even though she also wants to run very fast in the opposite direction, and her other self is happy to explain.

KT: *holding Dr. Kaye’s hand, still fascinated by the strange emptiness inside of her* Does… does it hurt? Not having a soul, I mean…

Dr. Kaye: It doesn’t hurt anymore… but it did, at first. I won’t lie to you, removing it was… an extremely painful process. Of course, in most cases it’s done under anesthesia… though I obviously didn’t have that option. After the procedure, there’s definitely some pain, some lingering soreness, which is rather unresponsive to painkillers, but the worst of it fades naturally fairly quickly, and in a few weeks it’s entirely gone.  There’s also a certain sense of emptiness, afterwards… it feels like something is missing deep inside of you, which I suppose is true, but it’s a feeling I didn’t find it hard to get used to. That empty feeling never truly goes away, but it’s distressing at first mostly because it’s disconcerting, rather than being painful. It’s something I can sense even now, if I’m thinking about it, but I no longer find it bothersome, and I haven’t for a long time. 

KT: That… kinda makes sense? And you said you don’t really feel emotions anymore? 

Dr. Kaye: Yes, and that’s been an immense relief. No more anxiety, no more meltdowns. 

KT: … no more happiness, though? 

Dr. Kaye: I suppose you could say that… but I would say that might simply be the cost of being free of emotional bias. I do find I sometimes experience mild emotion-like states… I’ve found it unpleasant to be interrupted while I’m working, for example… but such experiences are transient and low in intensity, and as such they are easily dismissed. 

Dr. Kaye then explains her plans to republish her discoveries in this timeline and promote her soul-removal procedure as a “therapy” for a variety of emotional problems, as she did in her own time. KT, understandably, freaks out further. 

Meanwhile Ted starts realizing that something is deeply wrong with Dr. Kaye and wants his sister back. Eventually Dr. Kaye decides her kid self needs her “treatment” a little early because she keeps “being difficult,” as well as wanting to spare her younger self the suffering of having to live with her emotional overreactions. She tries to figure out the best way to present this to KT so she’ll agree to undergo the procedure willingly, but also prepares to do it by force if necessary, convinced that she knows what’s best for them. KT asks Dr. Kaye about her regrets, which with everything makes the repressed issues come back to the forefront. As she tries to say she regrets nothing and to ask KT to follow in her footsteps, these words somehow seem like a lie. KT is horrified, but her screaming and freaking out just solidifies in Dr. Kaye’s mind that she’s overreacting. She lets KT wear out her panic until she breaks down in despairing tears and states that if KT doesn’t stop resisting, she will force her. 

“KT, listen to me. I’m you. I know what’s best for us. This is for your own good. Now, you can be good and listen to reason, or you can keep fighting and I will have to forcibly sedate you. Either way, when you wake up you won’t have to be sad and scared like this ever again. The pain you might feel now will be nothing compared to all the suffering I’m sparing you.” “W… will… I’m never going play pranks or sing or play music or draw or play pretend ever again will I… but I guess I have to grow up and give that stupid stuff up anyway… I… I have to grow up faster like you and stop that nonsense…”

Dr. Kaye realizes in that moment that she hasn’t done a single creative thing, hasn’t hummed a tune, doodled in the margins of a notebook, made up stories to fall asleep to, anything, since the day she cut out her soul. Is that worthless, or is that something she’s subconsciously missed for a very long time? She remembers that cutting out her own soul was originally an act of desperation and self-hate. She reconsiders everything.

 Meanwhile KT is escaping. She runs home to Ted and cries in his arms. Dr. Kaye realizes that she doesn’t actually want KT to end up like her, and tries to apologize for everything, but is pushed away by Ted. Not wanting to waste this chance to tell her past self what she wishes she’d known, she disappears, but begins to write a diary/memoir of all the regrets she’d never let herself “waste time” dwelling on and all the useful life things she knows from experience that were hard or impossible to find in books. She leaves it for KT one day, around the time of KT’s high school graduation, and KT reads it and tries to find her again. Despite Ted’s deep distrust of Dr. Kaye, they reconnect, originally through email because Ted understandably doesn’t want Dr. Kaye anywhere near his sister. KT really wants to apprentice under Dr. Kaye, as working and training under an experienced mentor is common practice for young people in the Auracai world, and she argues with Ted about it. 

“I thought you really wanted to go to a human university? Wasn’t that your big dream?” “Well kinda, but that was before I met Dr. Kaye! She’d be the perfect mentor because she’s doing so many things and they’re all the things I’m interested in!!!” “Are you completely forgetting that she tried to take your soul?!?? As far as I’m concerned, she’s unstable and dangerous.” “Okay yeah maybe she’s a little unstable but she wouldn’t be dangerous at all to me, she didn’t take my soul because she actually listens to me, remember?” “Katherine. Stop for a moment and listen to yourself. I can’t believe this is a conversation we even need to have.” “I’m trying to listen to myself, that’s kinda the whole point! ;) Someone keeps saying it’s a bad idea!” (KT doesn’t consider herself and Dr. Kaye to be fully one and the same the way Dr. Kaye does, but the joke was far too good for KT to pass up.) “You know what I meant, and it did not involve the potential future you that’s a soulless lunatic!” 

Dr. Kaye starts asking KT for advice on moral and emotional matters, and KT feels needed. Ted begins to relax a little, though he still really doesn’t trust her. Dr. Kaye invites KT to join her on some kind of research trip, and KT sneaks away to do so against Ted’s orders. He is livid with her… but it is a little reassuring that she’s quite unharmed and had a good time. Eventually Ted’s attitude of “I am not letting you walk to your death” softens into “I’m not sure if I can stop you, and it’s really on you if you get hurt after I tried to stop you, but please text me every night with an update on your latest song or art project or whatever or just something about your day, something that’s you, so I know you’re okay.” So KT gets her apprenticeship, and the Katherines end up forming a sort of symbiotic relationship, with Dr. Kaye acting as a mentor, guardian, and voice of reason to KT, and KT acting as Dr. Kaye’s heart and soul and conscience. Dr. Kaye is still soulless but is starting to come to terms with it now… not exactly “okay” but no longer ignoring that there was a loss and more willing to listen to others or at least to her kid self. Although she also likes to say that if she regained her former emotional range now, she’d probably have a heart attack… especially when KT is causing trouble.

WIBTA for running away with my soulless, potentially dangerous future self? [OCs]

[OOC: tw for fictional medical procedures without consent, fictional self-harm, implied mental health issues, implied ableism, child endangerment/potential child harm, souls being treated in a way that might be taken as religiously insensitive]

I (14F in human years) have been living with my older brother (equivalent of 25M) as a guardian, because we got interdimensionally lost together several years ago and have been trying to make lives for ourselves in the human world. It hasn’t been easy, but recently my successful future self (equivalent of 40sF) showed up and offered to help us out! She’s a scientific genius and is kinda stuck here in the past because her work on time travel didn’t go the way she hoped (maybe with her help I could do even better someday!)

But she also acts really creepy and weird, and I found out that it’s because she removed her own soul somehow? Apparently the procedure was one of her discoveries, and in her time it became some sort of therapy for emotional issues because it basically gets rid of all your emotions. She almost tried to do the same to me after I freaked out about it, but luckily I managed to convince her otherwise, and I’m pretty sure she’s started listening to me now and taking getting stuck in the past as a chance to make sure I don’t end up making the same mistakes she did. But my brother doesn’t trust her one bit and refuses to let me contact her anymore. I feel like I’m the only one she’s willing to listen to because she thinks a lot of herself (I mean, from how she tells it she made major breakthroughs in several scientific fields) and I’m basically the same person as far as she sees it. It feels like I’m the only one who can make sure she doesn’t do something that changes the world for the worse like she did in her timeline. So I’m thinking of working with her, but after the incident where she was going to take my soul, my brother thinks it’d be way too dangerous for me to contact her again because she might try to take my soul again or trick me into helping her with something bad. However, I think she’d listen to me like she did before, and I could learn so much from her, keep her from causing problems, and maybe change the world for the better with her help on technical stuff and knowing what not to do! 

Would I (current me, I know future me is kind of an asshole but I don’t really blame her for it) be the asshole if I disobeyed my brother and ran away after my mad scientist future self?

The struggle, the unceasing torment of resisting the desire to rend my own flesh…..

-me when I’m trying not to pick my scabs

something something politics are killing me