I Want To Do So Much. I Know I Could Be Good At Some Stuff But I Choose To Sit On My Bed With Tears And

50's Bois (2008) by Syd London

diary of an aging girl #2

When i was younger I felt drawn to the “olden days” and felt very much like an imposter among my peers and looking back at it now it was definitely because of how much of a shy person I was and still am. It is not like I was selectively being shy, it felt and still does feel like this bubble that if I would burst it i’d be offending everyone and also become the stupidest person in the world.

Whatever. So I grew up and realised it was very weird to look back on a time I wasn’t born (the 90s and before) and say how good they were when I didn’t experience it and hadn’t even indulged in the generation I was growing up with.

But but it’s times like these where it does feel like the world is becoming less and less progressive and for people who are minorities AKA my whole identity I feel like it’s okay to look back. I’ve always had like this nagging need to feel what I felt a couple years ago which I am sure everyone has felt and nostalgia is it’s own disease.

But I am looking to the 2010s and some of the 90s where yk for a certain part in a certain place it was blooming with community for dykes and all I can think about is we’re never going to have the same opportunities as the ones before us because of this need to conform to straight people’s standards.

Phones shoved in our faces… what if i don’t want to promote it on insta.. what if i want our communities to bloom w/o social media? is that even possible?

-doaag xx

Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg

this is what they texted me:

“You just are always so worried about so many things pertaining to talking to me & idk why you’re stressing yourself out so much”

for the last week i’ve been rereading it and like trying to understand how they know me more than my friends.

how can being shy and reserved be unique and good when you strive for and need community? when you want to make more friends, like minded etc, when you want to be intimate with someone?

i guess it’s good when you don’t want to do those things but I DO. i want to engage with people i want to have control on when i speak which includes speaking not just being quiet.

No one:

Me once a year when I feel particularly nostalgic of my girlhood: ROOKIEMAAAAGgggGGG !!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭