ramblings of an 18 year old lesbian.she/they femme
100 posts
Latest Posts by diaryofanagingirl - Page 2
stressed out, need a cig and a heavy make out sesh asap
Loser girls we will prevail
diary of an aging girl #1
I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.
In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.
What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.
But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.
I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.
-doaag xx
diary of an aging girl #2
When i was younger I felt drawn to the “olden days” and felt very much like an imposter among my peers and looking back at it now it was definitely because of how much of a shy person I was and still am. It is not like I was selectively being shy, it felt and still does feel like this bubble that if I would burst it i’d be offending everyone and also become the stupidest person in the world.
Whatever. So I grew up and realised it was very weird to look back on a time I wasn’t born (the 90s and before) and say how good they were when I didn’t experience it and hadn’t even indulged in the generation I was growing up with.
But but it’s times like these where it does feel like the world is becoming less and less progressive and for people who are minorities AKA my whole identity I feel like it’s okay to look back. I’ve always had like this nagging need to feel what I felt a couple years ago which I am sure everyone has felt and nostalgia is it’s own disease.
But I am looking to the 2010s and some of the 90s where yk for a certain part in a certain place it was blooming with community for dykes and all I can think about is we’re never going to have the same opportunities as the ones before us because of this need to conform to straight people’s standards.
Phones shoved in our faces… what if i don’t want to promote it on insta.. what if i want our communities to bloom w/o social media? is that even possible?
-doaag xx
I WANNA BASH MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL
Photo from the Dirt Dyke Dive, Leeds, 2025
Custom carabiner made by J West Engraving (you can order your own here)
📸: Eli Williams
i hate this so much like THEY ARE NOT MINE but i want them to be… mind you we don’t live in the same country.. there’s gotta be something chemically wrong with my brain to feel this need
i see my future, and it's taking care of my butch. whether that's cooking their favourite food or giving them a massage after a long day at work. i want to shower them with gifts. i'll get them whatever they desire. i'll listen to all their troubles while i hold them and give them kisses.
they should invent a butch that likes me back
i want to pull my ribcage open and place you inside next to my heart. to hold you close. to keep you warm. to keep you safe.
i'll tear my body apart for you
I spent so much time in my twenties convinced that my life was over, that I somehow ruined it beyond repair, that I was doomed to the life I had and nothing more. and now, in my mid thirties, i’m like wow.. this shit has actually just begun! I can and will create the life I want!
i hate acting insane but i’m grounding myself with the fact that this is time to act like it, like yes i can tell the person i like that im only for them yes i can
it actually came the same day lol
and one is too big so now what?
just bought my first s*x toy and i’m petrified if my mom opens my package cause it’s coming tomorrow or that i won’t like it …
they’re deffo talking to someone else and i genuinely need to stop being jealous bc it’s is a disease
they’re such a good person and so affirming i acc don’t care that they’re much older than me. like it’s never going to gon anywhere but i feel good and it’s nice talking to them.
To those who keep scrolling... this is not just another link ⚠️.
This is my home—bombed and reduced to rubble🏡❤️🩹.
This is my room—crushed until its height became less than 30 cm💔 🧱.
This is my teddy bear and the cover of my bed—pulled from under the debris with my own hands🧸🥹.
We spent over a month clearing rubble just to build a tent beside the ruins ⛺.
But even the tent wasn’t allowed to stay... ❌
We were forced to leave—by an order from the occupation ⚠️🥹.
It feels like every trace of life is being taken from us, again and again 😔 .
I’ve shared. I’ve begged. I’ve screamed💔.
But the silence around me is louder than my pain🥹.
This isn’t just a donation campaign—this is a cry for life ✊.
If you can’t donate, share 🤝.
And if you can’t share—don’t look away like nothing is happening👌🏻.
Some of us are being buried alive—under the world’s silence🔥.
i’m forever going to want someone to be straight forward with me. if i’m doing too much if im doing too little. if they like me or hate me. i need to be convinced they don’t hate me and it’s such a bad trait bc at the start it’s seen as cute and “oh she’s shy” or like im inexperienced and then it slowly evolves into me being a beg and needing confirmation that what im saying is ok. this is such bull but yeah i just wanted to blab
i actually DO want the lesbian that’s MUCH older than me.. like very bad like need and want and will break no contact
i want to take care of a butch lover so much. i want to kiss their arms when they're sore or tired and hold their hands in mine circling heart shapes on their palms. i want to hug their neck and hold their head safe and close to my chest to tuck them away from the noise of their day. i want to gently caress their nape and neck, calling them "darling" and "adored", listening to their worries and whispering back the most softest words. having them sleep on my body, while i keep the warmth of the blanket in check to cover them fully. make them something sweet as they prefer, smooch their lips the moment they're asking what i'm making for them. filling them with "i love you"s at the most random moments and finding incredibly aching to be departing from their closeness even for a moment. because i adore them so deeply. because i constantly want to remind them that they're everything to me.
my hot water bottle is burning my skin so much and the pain i’m in has not disappeared..
50's Bois (2008) by Syd London
thinking about how last year when i was genuinely going through it because of a situationship and how in the midst of it all i was having so much fun and how this year im going THROUGH it and i can’t even blame her.
i think about how it was the first time i really liked someone and that i could see it evolving from simple messages and how i was so forthcoming with what i liked and how much they meant to me. and told them how id appreciate it back but never got that. im so glad its over and i don’t harp on it anymore but its like will someone communicate like how i do.
i want someone to tell me they hate me or that they need me or that they don’t want me. i genuinely don’t care if it’s a negative thing i just would rather it be communicated.
i love shoshanna and ray (separately and together despite their problematic nature) like i don’t know why they both make me feel this eternal sadness especially ray.
like i genuinely love girls so much! hannah’s ocd episode makes me feel vulnerable and same with jessa. even marnie makes me feel sad.