Fandom: Haikyuu!!

I like the idea that zagreus resumed trying to talk him return hair length

Kagehina again

I (accidentally) rewatched Haikyuu first season, now I wanna draw them so much

on that path carved from grief

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice. But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother the longest out of everyone. Why can't he remember? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Word Count: 1666

Characters: Hakaze Kaoru & Hakaze Kaoru's Mother (Mentions of Kaoru's father and older siblings)

Tags: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Minor Character Death, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, No Dialogue, Angst

※ i've decided to publicly posted this on ao3! the one i posted on ao3 is similar to this post, but i just edited some stuff and properly proofread it (because i originally wrote this while i was for real wallowing in my grief. shoutout to hakaze kaoru for being the character i always use to project my grief)

vent writing where i project my own experiences with grief to hakaze kaoru not because i am a kinnie because it's 3am and my anxiety started acting up. most of these experiences about kaoru and his mom were made up pls don't treat as canon hdjfkdhf they only canon kaoru thing here is he's good with housework and cooking!!!!!! vent post under the cut

WORD COUNT: 1660

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice.

He worries about forgetting the smile she used to have on her face when he would tell her about the shells he found on the beach.

He worries that his mother's melodious laugh after his brother makes a joke would escape his mind at any moment.

He worries he would fail to remember combing her soft, silky blonde locks with his hands as he and his sister carelessly style their mother's hair into braids.

He worries when the feeling of having a mother to defend his actions while his father scolds him for acting too lax and foolish is starting to fade away.

Kaoru worries that, one day, he suddenly forgets.

He knows, however, there were moments after her passing that he will never forget:

Was it weird that he did not shed a tear the moment he knew his mother passed away?

Perhaps it was because, hours prior he found out about his mother's passing, he finally had the courage to engage in a conversation with his classmates. Perhaps the brief feeling of happiness that bursted within him throughout the school hours was too overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to feel sad.

But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother longer than his classmates. Why didn't he cry? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Was it wrong that he didn't understand what “being dead” means?

He was a middle school student when his mother passed — not a kid anymore. Shouldn't he have understood what death means? Couldn't he see his mother's lifeless body kept inside the open casket during her wake? Didn't he realize the hushed murmurs from the guests, ranging from: “poor kids, their mother left them too soon,” to “what will happen to their family now?” while his sister sobs through the microphone, in a poor attempt to talk about their mother? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he?

Kaoru worries that, one day, these too are something he suddenly forgets.

Loud wailing and sobbing echoed around the graveyard as his mother’s casket was being lowered down. Kaoru, however, has barely shed a tear.

But isn't that weird? There was no doubt that he was his mother's favorite. So why hasn't he cried since her death up until her burial?

As soil covered up his mother's casket, it was only then when Kaoru had felt something — yet that unfamiliar feeling, he knew, was not pain.

Kaoru knew that pain was supposed to make you wake up in the middle of the night to cry, it was supposed to make your heart tighten while you see something that reminds you of your late loved one, it was supposed to make you scream and destroy objects knowing that you can't do anything about what had happened in the past that made you feel so much in pain.

In that moment, however, Kaoru merely felt nothing. It was as if an empty void was suddenly attached within him. Memories of his mother didn't leave immediately, they were still a part of him even as her casket was completely covered in soil. But the moment his father uttered the words: “goodbye,” it was then when he understood what death truly meant. The emptiness within him started to feel heavy as he stared at the soil where his mother is kept underneath. He suddenly became aware of the loud cries from his brother as he clutched his chest, yelling for their mother in the empty sky, and his sister's uncontrollable sobbing as she softly called for their mother. Kaoru should have understood this earlier. He should have. He should have. He should have. He should have.

The Hakaze house is silent when they return. His sister hurries to the kitchen, still in tears, to cook food for dinner because who will make pancakes now that mother is gone? His brother pats his head, tells him to not worry about the household chores and focus on his school work first because who will clean his room now that mother is gone? His father heads to store mother’s collection of seashells and marine life books in a spare room because who will use them now that mother is gone?

His family are on the first step of moving on from their mother's death, but how can Kaoru move on along with them when it was only at this moment that everything started to sink in. “Goodbye,” continues to loop inside of his head like a broken music player as he stands still in the middle of their house. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

A year after his mother's death, Kaoru cries — sobs alone in his room. Tears flow out from his eyes as he sobs in his pillow, what a shame, he had just changed the pillow cover the other night because of the same reason. Kaoru sobs alone in the house; his father is still out working, his brother has moved out from their house and lives somewhere in the city, and his sister is busy with her last week at university.

An hour later, Kaoru leaves his room to make pancakes because he noticed he hasn't had his first meal for the day, but the pancakes he made don't taste the same like how his mother used to make them.

Two hours later, Kaoru starts washing the leftover dishes from last night, then sweeps the floor of the common area because dust started accumulating on the floor again.

Five hours later, Kaoru spends the entire evening rereading the collection of his mother's old marine life books. He spends the next hour reciting to himself about the specific type of each seashell from his mother's dusty seashell collection because his mother wasn't by his side anymore to tell him about the lives of the seashells.

Kaoru worries that these, too, are something he suddenly forgets.

The first year he enters Yumenosaki Academy, he refuses to form any sort of close relationship between his classmates or any student in general. He thinks, perhaps, that it is for the best; he doesn't want the empty void within him to grow even bigger because of a sudden mishap with his hypothetical relationships.

The second year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, he starts to question himself why he decided to even enroll in this school. He dislikes forming close relationships yet he placed himself in a situation wherein relationships are important for survival. Well, it wasn't like he was serious about becoming an idol, anyway. But, at least for this year, he talked to different kinds of people—though he could barely even call them acquaintances.

The third and last year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, it becomes the first time he has allowed people to enter his life since his mother's death. It was the first time he cried in front of someone other than his sister — even multiple times. It was the first time he formed a bond that he is confident enough to call friendship. Kaoru still struggles with accepting people in his deeper side of life, yet the empty void within him still stays the same. However, a newer and warmer feeling starts growing inside of him.

The first year in Ensemble Square, Kaoru realizes he is starting to forget what kind of smile her mother always had on her face.

He realizes he is starting to forget in what situations his mother would laugh at.

He realizes he is starting to forget whether his mother preferred her hair in three-strand braids or French braids.

He realizes he is starting to forget what kind of stuff he used to do for his mother to wholeheartedly defend him against his father.

Kaoru comforts himself in the fact that, despite his memory slowly fading away, he will never forget the experience and memories he has with his mother.

He remembers him and his mother stepping barefoot on sand at the beach for the first time. He remembers when his mother first taught him how to ride a wave. He remembers the warm feeling in his chest knowing that his mother is home, ready to serve pancakes to him the moment he returns. He remembers the shame he felt when he realizes that his mother cleaned his messy room while he went out to play with his brother at the playground. He remembers listening to his mother talk about seashells and sharks in between coughs while lying down the hospital bed. He remembers staring at her cold, lifeless body inside the casket, seconds before they finally closed it.

Kaoru remembers it all.

And it's the little things like these constantly remind him that, although the empty void within him might never disappear, his mother took part in building the warmth inside of him. And that warmth will continue to exist within him through his memories of him and his mother.

His mother exists in the necklace she gave to him when he first entered school. She exists in the cold, sea breeze that brushes against his cheeks when he visits the seashore at night. She exists in his first solo song that he wrote with her in mind. She exists in the stories he tells about her to his friends, his juniors, and his fans. She exists in his father, his brother, his sisters — and within himself.

Sometimes Kaoru worries that he might forget everything one day.

But worrying about forgetting in itself is already a reminder that it would be difficult to forget something of such importance.

And even if he does end up forgetting, Kaoru is certain that nothing will replace the feelings, emotions, and memories that he experienced throughout the entire years of remembering his mother.

Oftentimes, Kaoru now relaxes knowing that he was able to experience a life with his mother and also become a part of his mother's life. And his mother will still continue to exist through his own memories.

He was still holding Shen Qingqiu’s body, which was rapidly cooling down. It seemed like he wanted to call for him loudly and forcefully shake him awake, yet he didn’t dare to, as if he was afraid of being scolded. He said slowly,

“Shizun? Why aren’t you drawing more SV art as an SV main???”

i think it's very interesting that Malleus' name is a reference to the book Malleus Maleficarum, which outlined the dangers of sorcery and witchcraft, that was written by some guy name Heinrich Kramer. haha. not to be a lore nerd rn but........

you, are god. my god.

happy birthday prince of xianle, xie lian. 🌸👑

"i take it back, i'm sorry"- reactions to making someone cry

prompt list by @novelbear | cw for some very slight cursing!

"are you crying?"

"no, don't do that wait-"

"oh, stop with the tears.."

"i didn't mean it like that, hold on."

"was it something i said?"

"shit, no, that's not what i meant."

"oh, honey."

"there you go, let it out."

"suck it up."

"this was supposed to make you happy!"

"aw, don't cry sweetheart..."

[giving them a panicked hug] "no, no, no, no!"

"i should have stopped, i'm sorry..."

"what? what now?"

"you're so emotional. it's cute."

"good. now you know what it's like."

"how can i make this up to you?"

"i didn't mean to make you upset, you know."

"oh come on, it was a joke!"

"you always do this. making me look like the bad guy."

"my poor baby, i'm so sorry."

"did i scare you? sweetheart..."

"i mean i knew you'd like the gift but not this much..."

"ice cream? a movie? hugs? what do you want? name anything."

"why do you act like you're the only one with feelings? how do you think i feel?"

Enemies/Friends to Lovers & more Masterpost

Enemies to Lovers (and vice versa)

How to write Enemies to Lovers + Dialogue Prompts

Oblivious Enemies to Lovers Prompts

Enemies to Lovers: Falling for the flirt

Enemies to Lovers: Co-worker Edition Part I

Enemies to Lovers: Co-worker Edition Part II

Enemies to Lovers: Meet Ugly College Edition

Enemies to Lovers: Drama Club Edition

Enemies to Lovers: Apocalypse AU

Enemies to Lovers: Band Edition

Enemies to Lovers: Assassins Edition

Enemies to Lovers: Martial Arts Edition

Enemies to Lovers: Given up on life

Lovers to enemies

Reasons for lovers turning to enemies

Exes to Lovers

Exes to lovers prompts

Exes to lovers dialogue

Friends to Lovers

Reluctant allies to friends to lovers dynamic

Friends to lovers Prompts

Flirty friends to lovers Prompts

Friends with benefits to lovers Prompts

Friends to Lovers Ideas

Best friends to lovers Prompts

Childhood friends to lovers Prompts

Childhood friends to enemies to lovers Prompts

More:

Enemies to friends with benefits Prompts

Enemies to friends Prompts

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❄️ icylancet

Welcome to Zen's writing blog!

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Zen, and I'm a Filipino non-binary lesbian (they/them) who likes wasting my time by overanalyzing details and writing stories. My main interests are currently: 2ha, Twisted Wonderland, Mahoyaku, Akuneko, Persona 5, VS AMBIVALENZ, and Vtubers (Nijisanji/HoloPro/FSP EN)

You can find me on Twitter/X, Ao3 (gumunita), Ko-fi (icylancet).

Commission information

Personal Tags

icylancet print (my own completed works),

icylancet ink (drafts/wips/uncompleted works),

icylancet zen (posts unrelated to writing/yapping spree)

Masterlist

" oh, shit. I'm in love with you ?? " prompts:

(feel free to use <3 @urfriendlywriter | req by @president--namjoon yall 6th, 7th omg 17th, and 19th yall tag me when u write! )

absent-mindedly playing with their hair.

smiling a little too much around them

wanting to do things for them [ie. gifts, surprises, writing letters etc etc]

having them hug you tight

them running into your arms

catching them lost in your eyes. AAAAH.

glancing at them when they aren't looking at you. and thinking oh shit im screwed for life.

wanting to capture that smile of theirs.

accidental touches and then thinking about it for days.

platonic forehead kisses starting to give u the feels. LIKE ITS SOMETHING MAGICAL.

"is that really all 'A' is to you?"

trusting each other with your lives.

when they aren't hesitant to defend you in your absence

they laugh at your 'not-so-funny' jokes.

always wondering what the other will do in your situation

"your smile brings me so much joy." >>>

tight hugs where both/either of you feel super safe in.

having them give something of importance to them for you, as a gift (ie. "oh this is a necklace my late mum owned.. she always wanted me to gift this to someone i cherish.. have it. :)" )

the moment of eye-contact from across the room that magically blurs everyone out of the world. it's just u two.

a third person pointing out how beautiful they're and suddenly you're seeing them in a different light (shalalallalaaa)