Icylancet Enstars - Blog Posts

My thoughts on Starry Symphony -the midnight sun- Day 1

Day 1 Setlist

long post ahead!

Today, June 29th 2024, marked the start of Ensemble Stars' Starry Symphony -the midnight sun- concert. The first day of the concert kicked off with Eden's performance of Deep Eclipse, and each member was doning in dark glittering cloaks as they sing their hearts out the entirety of the first song. The last time Junichi Suwabe (Nagisa Ran), Natsuki Hanae (Hiyori Tomoe), Ryota Osaka (Ibara Saegusa), and Yuuma Uchida (Jun Sazanami) gathered all together as Eden for an Enstars event was way back in 2021 for the Starry Stage 4th concert. At that same concert, Junichi Suwabe had appeared wearing a wig of Nagisa Ran's white hair in a ponytail, which he also did for this year's concert.

The next song was Feathers of Ark performed by the voice actors of fine, consisting of Hikaru Midorikawa (Eichi Tenshouin), Takuya Eguchi (Wataru Hibiki), Ayumu Murase (Tori Himemiya), and Koutarou Hashimoto (Yuzuru Fushimi). The actors were dressed in white cloaks of fine quality, similar to the actual uniforms of the fine characters in-game. Like with Eden, it was also their first time in three years to perform together as fine for an Enstars event.

Immediately after, Kousuke Toriumi (Madara Mikejima) appeared to perform HELLO, NEW YEAR! while accompanied with dancers throughout the song. For Kousuke Toriumi, it was his first time to participate in an Enstars live concert since he voiced the role of Madara in 2017. The excited shouting after the end of Kousuke Toriumi's performance merely passed on to the next performers as soon as the first beat of the next song dropped. Knights' performance of Or The Beautiful Golden Drop shocked everyone in the audience and the viewers through the Stagecrowd livestream as Knights—in a cart—were descending from the ceiling. The voice actors of Knights are rather active in Enstars events: Reiou Tsuchida (Tsukasa Suou) often hosts Tsukisuta—the monthly Enstars livestream where they announce new information related to the series—while Ryo Kitamura (Arashi Narukami) also appears in the stage play adaptations of the series, as well as the new baking show called 'Sweets Room+5,' wherein Daiki Yamashita (Ritsu Sakuma) appeared as the first guest. However, as a group, it has also been three years since they last gathered together. I am certain it shocked the audience once they saw Ryo Kitamura's fully blonde hair, Reiou Tsuchida's reddish colored hair, Masami Ito's (Izumi Sena) platinum gray hair, and Shintaro Asanuma's (Leo Tsukinaga) orange highlights at the ends of his hair, which was tied in a ponytail. Only Daiki Yamashita retained his black hair, but he had styled his hair similar to Ritsu's, like what he always does during an Enstars concert; it just perfectly shows how much love the voice actors of Knights have for the characters they bring to life.

Unlike the previous units whose last Enstars live concert performance was back in 2021, Ra*bits appeared as performers again after their last appearance in Starry Symphony -the first light- on September 30, 2023 to October 1, 2023. Shunya Hiruma (Tomoya Mashiro), Yuki Yonai (Nazuna Nito), and Tomoya Kosaka (Hajime Shino) reappear again months after the October performance, however, Daiki Kobayashi (Mitsuru Tenma) appears for the first time ever at an Enstars live concert—or even at an Enstars event in general—as the new voice actor for Mitsuru. Ra*bits immediately spread warmth towards the audience as they sing and dance to Love it Love it, jumping up and down like rabbits while they perform.

Speaking as an Enstars fan since 2021 and as seiyuu fan since 2018, this entire live has been a magical rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. It has been a while since I saw voice actors like Takuya Eguchi (Wataru Hibiki) or Natsuki Hanae (Hiyori Tomoe) in an Enstars event, and it was also a delightful experience to see Daiki Kobayashi (Mitsuru Tenma) enter the picture; I've only ever knew him through that one YouTube clip of him singing Ojamajo Carnival months before it was decided that he will take on the role of Mitsuru, but ever since he started voicing him and now that I've watched him match Mitsuru's energy on stage, I feel glad knowing that he has become part of Ensemble Stars at present and hopefully in the future as well.

The live then continued as follows: Blooming World by MaM, Joyful×Box* and Parallel Maze by Ra*bits, THE GENESIS and Absolute Perfection by Eden, then Voice of Sword and Luminous Crown by Knights.

(PSA: As a KnightsP, this is going to start to become heavily Knights-centric.)

If there was a performance that completely blew me away throughout this entire live, then it has GOT to be Knights' Luminous Crown performance. I already had a feeling in my gut that they would perform it right after Voice of Sword, but nothing could have ever prepared me for the performance by the end of the Luminous Crown's bridge. During the end of the bridge, a crown placed on a cushion descended from the ceiling. Shintaro Asanuma (Leo Tsukinaga) took the crown, then immediately, Reiou Tsuchida (Tsukasa Suou) knelt on one knee, head bowed down, as Asanuma placed the crown on top of Tsuchida's head—referencing the change of Knights' leader from Leo to Tsukasa in the Enstars lore. Now if this won't kill a KnightsP, then I don't know what else will.

After that rather heartwrenching performance, fine once again emerged from the backstage to perform a song medley of their own songs: Koi wa Primavera!, Tryst of Stars, Ghostic Treat House, and Holy Angel's Carol. I do not consider myself a fineP, but in my humble opinion, they do create one of the best songs in Enstars; or maybe it is because the genre of their songs are just my style, who knows. Their performance just struck a chord in me, especially with Tryst of Stars being one of my favorite fine songs.

After fine's song medley performance, all artists gathered on stage to perform LIMIT BREAK DREAMERS. Promptly after the performance came in the ment hosted by Reiou Tsuchida (Tsukasa Suou), where each member was given the opportunity to introduce themselves and their unit.

If you are new to Enstars or just to Enstars live concerts, a special guest or two will always appear at any Enstars live concert. For the first Starry Symphony concert, Kei Hosogai (Kaoru Hakaze) surprised the fans with his special appearance for a Date Plan A to Z performance while Tetsuya Kakihara (Subaru Akehoshi) and Showtaro Morikubo (Makoto Yuuki) genuinely bewildered literally everyone with their appearances during the second Starry Symphony concert as the two of them performed ONLY YOUR STARS!. However, for this Starry Symphony concert, Wataru Hatano (Adonis Otogari) appears through a video recording wearing Ensemble Training clothes, I am sure you can tell where this is heading. Wataru Hatano led the audience in an exercise/stretching routine while all the other voice actors just stared at the audience, who continued stretching.

After the abrupt stretching, the live continued on starting with Eden's EXCEED performance, followed by Melty Kitchen by Ra*bits (both of which I was unable to watch without interruptions because of third world country poor internet connection). Knights came out again to perform Coruscate Breeze, where they ended up throwing paper airplanes by the start of the final chorus, just like in the music video. Kousuke Toriumi (Madara Mikejima) goes around the stage, waving to everyone in the audience and to the dancers as he performs Yuukai Tsuukai, That's alright!. Afterwards, fine ends the last song lineup with a performance of Never-ending Stage!!!! (which is undoubtedly one of their best songs). Following this, all artists emerged again from behind the scenes to perform Surprising Thanks!!, which signaled the near-end of the concert's first day.

I watched the entire live concert through the Stagecrowd livestream, so immediately after the Surprising Thanks!! performance, everything went black—save for the colorful penlights from the audience. The audience chanted for an encore for at least five minutes, and then, here appears Shintaro Asanuma (Leo Tsukinaga), Masami Ito (Izumi Sena), Daiki Yamashita (Ritsu Sakuma), and Ryo Kitamura (Arashi Narukami)—who was wearing glasses—all doning in clothing similar to the outfits worn by War era Knights in the We'll be "Knights" music video. As mentioned, the four of them stood on stage to perform We'll be "Knights", even holding swords and swinging them around. What surprised me the most was when Reiou Tsuchida (Tsukasa Suou) came out from the center of the main stage then started walking towards the extended stage to join the rest of Knights; Tsuchida was also holding a sword and sang along with them for the final chorus. I think this was the final blow for all KnightsPs that were watching.

Knights returned backstage while the rest of the cast reappeared wearing white shirts and black pants for the final ment of the show. During this time, Ayumu Murase (Tori Himemiya) referenced his tweet posted earlier this morning that had a caption related to Pretty 5; he explicitly stated: "You thought you'd see Pretty 5? IT WAS ENSEMBLE TRAINING!" in reference to fans speculating that Pretty 5 would be the guest performers for today's concert. Knights came back again wearing the same outfits as everyone else, saying: "Sorry, we were swinging our swords around~ That was scary," as they stepped back on the stage. By the time it was Eden's turn to talk, Natsuki Hanae (Hiyori Tomoe) yelled his signature "II HIYORI!" and even did the echo by himself.

The second thing that could have never prepared me was when Hikaru Midorikawa (Eichi Tenshouin) started tearing up and crying during his turn to talk. Through his tears, he explained that he felt a lot of pressure as he was the oldest in the cast, and that he had also spent a lot of time working on Ensemble Stars, so he truly and genuinely did everything he can, which made him feel so satisfied. Throughout his talk, the rest of fine surrounded Hikaru Midorikawa and were patting his back in comfort and support. I felt just as emotional as Hikaru Midorikawa while he talked about the hard work he poured for Enstars, and it made me understand how much love he has for this franchise; he loves Enstars as much as we, fans, do, and it's such a heartwarming sight knowing that fact. Enstars has grown so much more than just a game to most fans, and especially towards the people involved in the making of the game; it has aged to become a story weaved by memories of the past, adventures of the present, and a catalog for the future.

With so many people loving this franchise internally and externally, I am sure that Enstars will still live for at least another five years. But for now, I think it would be nice to relish in the present Ensemble Stars as we await the future.

See you tomorrow for Day 2!

on that path carved from grief

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice. But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother the longest out of everyone. Why can't he remember? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Word Count: 1666

Characters: Hakaze Kaoru & Hakaze Kaoru's Mother (Mentions of Kaoru's father and older siblings)

Tags: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Minor Character Death, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, No Dialogue, Angst

※ i've decided to publicly posted this on ao3! the one i posted on ao3 is similar to this post, but i just edited some stuff and properly proofread it (because i originally wrote this while i was for real wallowing in my grief. shoutout to hakaze kaoru for being the character i always use to project my grief)

vent writing where i project my own experiences with grief to hakaze kaoru not because i am a kinnie because it's 3am and my anxiety started acting up. most of these experiences about kaoru and his mom were made up pls don't treat as canon hdjfkdhf they only canon kaoru thing here is he's good with housework and cooking!!!!!! vent post under the cut

WORD COUNT: 1660

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice.

He worries about forgetting the smile she used to have on her face when he would tell her about the shells he found on the beach.

He worries that his mother's melodious laugh after his brother makes a joke would escape his mind at any moment.

He worries he would fail to remember combing her soft, silky blonde locks with his hands as he and his sister carelessly style their mother's hair into braids.

He worries when the feeling of having a mother to defend his actions while his father scolds him for acting too lax and foolish is starting to fade away.

Kaoru worries that, one day, he suddenly forgets.

He knows, however, there were moments after her passing that he will never forget:

Was it weird that he did not shed a tear the moment he knew his mother passed away?

Perhaps it was because, hours prior he found out about his mother's passing, he finally had the courage to engage in a conversation with his classmates. Perhaps the brief feeling of happiness that bursted within him throughout the school hours was too overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to feel sad.

But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother longer than his classmates. Why didn't he cry? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Was it wrong that he didn't understand what “being dead” means?

He was a middle school student when his mother passed — not a kid anymore. Shouldn't he have understood what death means? Couldn't he see his mother's lifeless body kept inside the open casket during her wake? Didn't he realize the hushed murmurs from the guests, ranging from: “poor kids, their mother left them too soon,” to “what will happen to their family now?” while his sister sobs through the microphone, in a poor attempt to talk about their mother? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he?

Kaoru worries that, one day, these too are something he suddenly forgets.

Loud wailing and sobbing echoed around the graveyard as his mother’s casket was being lowered down. Kaoru, however, has barely shed a tear.

But isn't that weird? There was no doubt that he was his mother's favorite. So why hasn't he cried since her death up until her burial?

As soil covered up his mother's casket, it was only then when Kaoru had felt something — yet that unfamiliar feeling, he knew, was not pain.

Kaoru knew that pain was supposed to make you wake up in the middle of the night to cry, it was supposed to make your heart tighten while you see something that reminds you of your late loved one, it was supposed to make you scream and destroy objects knowing that you can't do anything about what had happened in the past that made you feel so much in pain.

In that moment, however, Kaoru merely felt nothing. It was as if an empty void was suddenly attached within him. Memories of his mother didn't leave immediately, they were still a part of him even as her casket was completely covered in soil. But the moment his father uttered the words: “goodbye,” it was then when he understood what death truly meant. The emptiness within him started to feel heavy as he stared at the soil where his mother is kept underneath. He suddenly became aware of the loud cries from his brother as he clutched his chest, yelling for their mother in the empty sky, and his sister's uncontrollable sobbing as she softly called for their mother. Kaoru should have understood this earlier. He should have. He should have. He should have. He should have.

The Hakaze house is silent when they return. His sister hurries to the kitchen, still in tears, to cook food for dinner because who will make pancakes now that mother is gone? His brother pats his head, tells him to not worry about the household chores and focus on his school work first because who will clean his room now that mother is gone? His father heads to store mother’s collection of seashells and marine life books in a spare room because who will use them now that mother is gone?

His family are on the first step of moving on from their mother's death, but how can Kaoru move on along with them when it was only at this moment that everything started to sink in. “Goodbye,” continues to loop inside of his head like a broken music player as he stands still in the middle of their house. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

A year after his mother's death, Kaoru cries — sobs alone in his room. Tears flow out from his eyes as he sobs in his pillow, what a shame, he had just changed the pillow cover the other night because of the same reason. Kaoru sobs alone in the house; his father is still out working, his brother has moved out from their house and lives somewhere in the city, and his sister is busy with her last week at university.

An hour later, Kaoru leaves his room to make pancakes because he noticed he hasn't had his first meal for the day, but the pancakes he made don't taste the same like how his mother used to make them.

Two hours later, Kaoru starts washing the leftover dishes from last night, then sweeps the floor of the common area because dust started accumulating on the floor again.

Five hours later, Kaoru spends the entire evening rereading the collection of his mother's old marine life books. He spends the next hour reciting to himself about the specific type of each seashell from his mother's dusty seashell collection because his mother wasn't by his side anymore to tell him about the lives of the seashells.

Kaoru worries that these, too, are something he suddenly forgets.

The first year he enters Yumenosaki Academy, he refuses to form any sort of close relationship between his classmates or any student in general. He thinks, perhaps, that it is for the best; he doesn't want the empty void within him to grow even bigger because of a sudden mishap with his hypothetical relationships.

The second year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, he starts to question himself why he decided to even enroll in this school. He dislikes forming close relationships yet he placed himself in a situation wherein relationships are important for survival. Well, it wasn't like he was serious about becoming an idol, anyway. But, at least for this year, he talked to different kinds of people—though he could barely even call them acquaintances.

The third and last year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, it becomes the first time he has allowed people to enter his life since his mother's death. It was the first time he cried in front of someone other than his sister — even multiple times. It was the first time he formed a bond that he is confident enough to call friendship. Kaoru still struggles with accepting people in his deeper side of life, yet the empty void within him still stays the same. However, a newer and warmer feeling starts growing inside of him.

The first year in Ensemble Square, Kaoru realizes he is starting to forget what kind of smile her mother always had on her face.

He realizes he is starting to forget in what situations his mother would laugh at.

He realizes he is starting to forget whether his mother preferred her hair in three-strand braids or French braids.

He realizes he is starting to forget what kind of stuff he used to do for his mother to wholeheartedly defend him against his father.

Kaoru comforts himself in the fact that, despite his memory slowly fading away, he will never forget the experience and memories he has with his mother.

He remembers him and his mother stepping barefoot on sand at the beach for the first time. He remembers when his mother first taught him how to ride a wave. He remembers the warm feeling in his chest knowing that his mother is home, ready to serve pancakes to him the moment he returns. He remembers the shame he felt when he realizes that his mother cleaned his messy room while he went out to play with his brother at the playground. He remembers listening to his mother talk about seashells and sharks in between coughs while lying down the hospital bed. He remembers staring at her cold, lifeless body inside the casket, seconds before they finally closed it.

Kaoru remembers it all.

And it's the little things like these constantly remind him that, although the empty void within him might never disappear, his mother took part in building the warmth inside of him. And that warmth will continue to exist within him through his memories of him and his mother.

His mother exists in the necklace she gave to him when he first entered school. She exists in the cold, sea breeze that brushes against his cheeks when he visits the seashore at night. She exists in his first solo song that he wrote with her in mind. She exists in the stories he tells about her to his friends, his juniors, and his fans. She exists in his father, his brother, his sisters — and within himself.

Sometimes Kaoru worries that he might forget everything one day.

But worrying about forgetting in itself is already a reminder that it would be difficult to forget something of such importance.

And even if he does end up forgetting, Kaoru is certain that nothing will replace the feelings, emotions, and memories that he experienced throughout the entire years of remembering his mother.

Oftentimes, Kaoru now relaxes knowing that he was able to experience a life with his mother and also become a part of his mother's life. And his mother will still continue to exist through his own memories.

reikao short drabble. i have a lot of reikao wips in my drafts and this is one of my babies. originally posted this as a twitter threadfic in my private account with 0 followers but i realized i need to dump this publicly. run free and live life to the fullest unnamed reikao short drabble #3. story under the cut

WORD COUNT: 842

Kaoruʼs heart hammered continuously against his chest, its pounding beat—accompanied with his distressed thoughts—filled his ears instead of listening to the man in front of him.

He had prepared a lot for this song; of course, he would—it was for his sister, after all. He needed to put more than enough effort for her—he shoved all his responsibilities to his sister and brother. He has this itching urge to repay them back; it was the least he could do for them—for himself.

And as such, of course, Kaoru is nervous as fuck.

Him and the rest of UNDEAD are preparing to perform for the reception. They sat at a secluded corner of the room to prepare everything, but Kaoru has yet to calm himself down. He knew it was no use worrying, but he canʼt help it—he needed to do his best to not disappoint again, he needed to give it his all to show them that he took the right path, he needed to... He needed t—

“—Kaoru-kun, are you feeling alright?”

The deep, gentle voice of Rei interrupted his train of thoughts. Somehow recently, Rei could easily notice his sudden shift in moods.

“Y-Yeah, sorry. Iʼm just a bit nervous, thatʼs all,” he replied as he nervously twirls the ends of his hair.

Kaoru paused, suddenly remembering that he had to tie his hair. He met Reiʼs eyes then flashed a grin at him, “hey, you think you can tie my hair for me, pretty please?”

“Hm? Whatʼs with the ‛pleaseʼ all of a sudden~?” Rei teased, but still took the hair tie that Kaoru handed to him.

Rei gathered the stray strands of Kaoruʼs soft, blonde hair, and started combing it with his fingers. He then continued to gently brush his hair as Kaoru hummed.

After a few seconds of silence, Kaoru hesitantly mumbled, “Well, I... Itʼs kinda.. Iʼm—”

“...Itʼs a bit nerve-wracking, isnʼt it?” Rei finished the sentence for him as he took the hair tie that was on his wrist, tying Kaoruʼs hair together.

“I understand your anxiousness, Kaoru-kun,” he whispered, and Kaoru shivered from Reiʼs breath that suddenly brushed against his ear.

Rei continued, “fear may be present, but you shouldnʼt let it destroy your confidence.”

“Youʼre talented, adorable, a good boyfriend,” Rei paused, looking around the venue before he quickly planted a soft kiss on Kaoruʼs head.

He added, “most importantly, youʼre a good brother. You may think youʼre not necessarily good, but Iʼm sure your siblings would disagree.”

“So, donʼt worry about performing later. Iʼm sure your sister would enjoy, regardless.”

A tint of red slowly covered his whole face. Rei surely knew how to flatter him, huh.

Before Kaoru could reply, Rei quickly planted another kiss on the nape of his neck causing him to flinch

“R-Rei-kun...!”

“Kaoru-kun~!”

Kaoru turned around to face Rei, who was equally as red as him. He pouted as he scolded him, “could you lessen it with the PDA~? I know my sister likes you a lot as my boyfriend and as an idol, but you donʼt have to show off too much!”

“And! Weʼre idols! Our asses will get kicked, if our relationship went public, you know~?” Kaoru whined.

“Ah, but at the end of the day, weʼre still partners regardless of our relationship status, are we not?” Rei smirked. And Kaoru wants to wipe it off his face.

Partners, huh...

Who knew heʼd be able to call someone that—who knew that someone would call him that?

Him... Koga, Adonis... Rei... It was all just a coincidence for them to meet together. He never intended to stick this long, but here they are—performing for his sister.

And... Rei has been a good partner to him; whether it be as idols, friends, or lovers; he had been subtly helping him since the start of 3rd year, and up until now. Rei was always there for him, always showed up for him.

Heʼs really glad to be his partner—

“I love you, Rei-kun.”

The words poured out of his mouth as if it were a waterfall. It came out like a whisper, shocking both himself and Rei.

Blushing from his sudden declaration, Kaoru looked up to check Reiʼs reaction—and to no surprise, Rei was as red as him again.

Kaoru giggled, “youʼre like a tomato, Rei-kun~”

Rei frantically blinked, his eyes straying away from his until he looked back to glare. “Whoʼs fault do you think that is?”

“Donʼt just say that out of nowhere, Kaoru-kuuun~!” Rei groaned, dropping his head on Kaoruʼs shoulders.

“...I love you, too,” he whispered, tilting his head, so his bright red eyes could stare at Kaoruʼs light brown ones that were shining like a jewel.

Kaoru hummed. He patted Reiʼs head, then said, “letʼs go now, shall we?”

Rei nodded, but his supposed reply was suddenly interrupted—

“Oi, can you two stop it with the flirting?”

They both turned their heads to Koga, who glared daggers at their direction. Kaoru smiled apologetically, then walked towards him and Adonis with Reiʼs hand in his.

vent writing where i project my own experiences with grief to hakaze kaoru not because i am a kinnie because it's 3am and my anxiety started acting up. most of these experiences about kaoru and his mom were made up pls don't treat as canon hdjfkdhf they only canon kaoru thing here is he's good with housework and cooking!!!!!! vent post under the cut

WORD COUNT: 1660

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice.

He worries about forgetting the smile she used to have on her face when he would tell her about the shells he found on the beach.

He worries that his mother's melodious laugh after his brother makes a joke would escape his mind at any moment.

He worries he would fail to remember combing her soft, silky blonde locks with his hands as he and his sister carelessly style their mother's hair into braids.

He worries when the feeling of having a mother to defend his actions while his father scolds him for acting too lax and foolish is starting to fade away.

Kaoru worries that, one day, he suddenly forgets.

He knows, however, there were moments after her passing that he will never forget:

Was it weird that he did not shed a tear the moment he knew his mother passed away?

Perhaps it was because, hours prior he found out about his mother's passing, he finally had the courage to engage in a conversation with his classmates. Perhaps the brief feeling of happiness that bursted within him throughout the school hours was too overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to feel sad.

But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother longer than his classmates. Why didn't he cry? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Was it wrong that he didn't understand what “being dead” means?

He was a middle school student when his mother passed — not a kid anymore. Shouldn't he have understood what death means? Couldn't he see his mother's lifeless body kept inside the open casket during her wake? Didn't he realize the hushed murmurs from the guests, ranging from: “poor kids, their mother left them too soon,” to “what will happen to their family now?” while his sister sobs through the microphone, in a poor attempt to talk about their mother? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he?

Kaoru worries that, one day, these too are something he suddenly forgets.

Loud wailing and sobbing echoed around the graveyard as his mother’s casket was being lowered down. Kaoru, however, has barely shed a tear.

But isn't that weird? There was no doubt that he was his mother's favorite. So why hasn't he cried since her death up until her burial?

As soil covered up his mother's casket, it was only then when Kaoru had felt something — yet that unfamiliar feeling, he knew, was not pain.

Kaoru knew that pain was supposed to make you wake up in the middle of the night to cry, it was supposed to make your heart tighten while you see something that reminds you of your late loved one, it was supposed to make you scream and destroy objects knowing that you can't do anything about what had happened in the past that made you feel so much in pain.

In that moment, however, Kaoru merely felt nothing. It was as if an empty void was suddenly attached within him. Memories of his mother didn't leave immediately, they were still a part of him even as her casket was completely covered in soil. But the moment his father uttered the words: “goodbye,” it was then when he understood what death truly meant. The emptiness within him started to feel heavy as he stared at the soil where his mother is kept underneath. He suddenly became aware of the loud cries from his brother as he clutched his chest, yelling for their mother in the empty sky, and his sister's uncontrollable sobbing as she softly called for their mother. Kaoru should have understood this earlier. He should have. He should have. He should have. He should have.

The Hakaze house is silent when they return. His sister hurries to the kitchen, still in tears, to cook food for dinner because who will make pancakes now that mother is gone? His brother pats his head, tells him to not worry about the household chores and focus on his school work first because who will clean his room now that mother is gone? His father heads to store mother’s collection of seashells and marine life books in a spare room because who will use them now that mother is gone?

His family are on the first step of moving on from their mother's death, but how can Kaoru move on along with them when it was only at this moment that everything started to sink in. “Goodbye,” continues to loop inside of his head like a broken music player as he stands still in the middle of their house. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

A year after his mother's death, Kaoru cries — sobs alone in his room. Tears flow out from his eyes as he sobs in his pillow, what a shame, he had just changed the pillow cover the other night because of the same reason. Kaoru sobs alone in the house; his father is still out working, his brother has moved out from their house and lives somewhere in the city, and his sister is busy with her last week at university.

An hour later, Kaoru leaves his room to make pancakes because he noticed he hasn't had his first meal for the day, but the pancakes he made don't taste the same like how his mother used to make them.

Two hours later, Kaoru starts washing the leftover dishes from last night, then sweeps the floor of the common area because dust started accumulating on the floor again.

Five hours later, Kaoru spends the entire evening rereading the collection of his mother's old marine life books. He spends the next hour reciting to himself about the specific type of each seashell from his mother's dusty seashell collection because his mother wasn't by his side anymore to tell him about the lives of the seashells.

Kaoru worries that these, too, are something he suddenly forgets.

The first year he enters Yumenosaki Academy, he refuses to form any sort of close relationship between his classmates or any student in general. He thinks, perhaps, that it is for the best; he doesn't want the empty void within him to grow even bigger because of a sudden mishap with his hypothetical relationships.

The second year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, he starts to question himself why he decided to even enroll in this school. He dislikes forming close relationships yet he placed himself in a situation wherein relationships are important for survival. Well, it wasn't like he was serious about becoming an idol, anyway. But, at least for this year, he talked to different kinds of people—though he could barely even call them acquaintances.

The third and last year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, it becomes the first time he has allowed people to enter his life since his mother's death. It was the first time he cried in front of someone other than his sister — even multiple times. It was the first time he formed a bond that he is confident enough to call friendship. Kaoru still struggles with accepting people in his deeper side of life, yet the empty void within him still stays the same. However, a newer and warmer feeling starts growing inside of him.

The first year in Ensemble Square, Kaoru realizes he is starting to forget what kind of smile her mother always had on her face.

He realizes he is starting to forget in what situations his mother would laugh at.

He realizes he is starting to forget whether his mother preferred her hair in three-strand braids or French braids.

He realizes he is starting to forget what kind of stuff he used to do for his mother to wholeheartedly defend him against his father.

Kaoru comforts himself in the fact that, despite his memory slowly fading away, he will never forget the experience and memories he has with his mother.

He remembers him and his mother stepping barefoot on sand at the beach for the first time. He remembers when his mother first taught him how to ride a wave. He remembers the warm feeling in his chest knowing that his mother is home, ready to serve pancakes to him the moment he returns. He remembers the shame he felt when he realizes that his mother cleaned his messy room while he went out to play with his brother at the playground. He remembers listening to his mother talk about seashells and sharks in between coughs while lying down the hospital bed. He remembers staring at her cold, lifeless body inside the casket, seconds before they finally closed it.

Kaoru remembers it all.

And it's the little things like these constantly remind him that, although the empty void within him might never disappear, his mother took part in building the warmth inside of him. And that warmth will continue to exist within him through his memories of him and his mother.

His mother exists in the necklace she gave to him when he first entered school. She exists in the cold, sea breeze that brushes against his cheeks when he visits the seashore at night. She exists in his first solo song that he wrote with her in mind. She exists in the stories he tells about her to his friends, his juniors, and his fans. She exists in his father, his brother, his sisters — and within himself.

Sometimes Kaoru worries that he might forget everything one day.

But worrying about forgetting in itself is already a reminder that it would be difficult to forget something of such importance.

And even if he does end up forgetting, Kaoru is certain that nothing will replace the feelings, emotions, and memories that he experienced throughout the entire years of remembering his mother.

Oftentimes, Kaoru now relaxes knowing that he was able to experience a life with his mother and also become a part of his mother's life. And his mother will still continue to exist through his own memories.