Jirai Danshi - Blog Posts

I'll rephrase it. Don't keep me around if it won't genuinely make you happy

Don't keep me around because of guilt.

Do what’s best for you, please.

Despite everything, I still care.

Despite everything, I'm still me.

Despite everything, I'm learning

I'm working to make myself better.

But that doesn't mean you need to make a bad decision.

Make the decision you truly want.

Don't ever tell someone yes just to please them or to save them.

Trust me.

That's why this happened in the first place.

I don't blame you for saying no.

I understand.

the person I was wouldn't have been good for you

I'm sorry for all of that.

It's okay to crash out though.

You deserve to let the feelings out.

I would never have done this again.

I despise the person I was and the way i treated you.

I regret every second of it and I would never treat anyone like that again.

I've learned from my mistake, I promise I have.

You don't have to believe me.

I'll keep posting. It's the only way we're able to face eachother right now.

I'm sorry.

Please god take away this false angel she’s rotting my brain and trying to control just like they all used to.

Except this time she’s up front about it.

This isn’t about anyone who’ll see this.

Someone save me from this false angel, swooping down and preying on me in my darkest hour.

I only know she’s fake because I’ve seen the work of a real one.

Please someone rescue me.

I just want everything to be okay, I’d be happy with just being friends.

I cried today.

I cried in that very same spot.

You wouldn’t have been able to tell though.

Cried with my head in my hands.

God I’m pathetic. You were right there in front of me and I cowered away. Even now when I know how you truly feel I’m afraid to even be seen

I saw you in that stairwell of x’s.

I couldn’t tell if you wanted me there or if you wanted me gone.

I’d be happy if we could just talk again.

“I want to strangle them all. I dont want you to ever feel that pain again. This world is so evil to the sweetest of souls.”

What

What

WHAT

She’s obsessive

I’m so conflicted

She wants a date.

She wants to share rent.

WHY RIGHT NOW D WHY RIGHT NOW

WHY DO YOU DECIDE TO BECOME MY GUARDIAN ANGEL RIGHT NOW

I APPRECIATE IT BUT THE CONFESSION IS REALLY BADLY TIMED

I’m not using guardian angel as an insult, this isn’t about you right now.

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO WHY NOW WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW "I love you, and Im so sorry these horrible things keep happening to you."

WHY D WHY

Oh no not again why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

How ironic is this... I'm telling her everything. I guess one of my friends will always end up being an angel. Somehow they always find me. I don't know why. She's my guardian angel now. Thank you "D"

God im so selfish, maybe if i had stayed, if that coin flip had failed, both of them would be okay.

I could have stayed.

I've done it before

Staying for the greater good even though I was hurting.

I should have stayed, then I'd be the only one hurting. Nobody knew because I was masking.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you so much for teaching me to mask brother

I don’t think I’d be able to leave the house tomorrow if we never met.

I miss you brother.

I’ll come visit sometime soon

Taking time away is the only way for progress to be made at this point. My emotions are numbed for now but I know I’ll have a few breakdowns. That’s okay though. I have my brothers and I have my distant friends. This is the way I will grow. I don’t need to recover to progress with growth. The recovery can happen at the same time. I have lots of time, I don’t need to rush it.

As for my plans for school in the meantime, I think I’ll start hanging out with my classmates for once. There’s a few of them who interact with me on a normal basis.

I left some people waiting for me but I won’t rush to them. I need some time.

I will probably be posting some terrible stuff soon but I can almost guarantee I won’t act on any of my urges.

I let myself get swept up by the first person who looked my direction instead of waiting for who I wanted to be with and everything is ruined. For both of them, and for me.

Brother save me from myself, bring me back to when I was normal.

Please

At Walmart because my mom found me on my walk and brought me an iced coffee and talked me through all of my problems and reassured me and for once we had a conversation without any arguments.

Oh here’s a quote from her by the way

“You’re very gifted at building worlds and personalities”

She meant that because I’m a writer but she doesn’t know that’s my entire life story

At least I’m being myself now, not that that’s working

Walking to the one place I want to avoid the most.

School.

I’m going for a walk again just like the one I went on in the winter

I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone or when I’ll get back.

All I know is sitting here doing nothing isn’t helping me at all.

Maybe music will fix me. There’s nowhere to go but up, I guess.