Self H@rm - Blog Posts

I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.

One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.

When she does eat she hates herself.

And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.

And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.

I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.

Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.

And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.

This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.

And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.

But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.

She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving

But now she is dying

And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then

Because no one loves her unless she is fading

And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her

But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second

I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.

I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.

But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.

Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.

And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.

I was just that easy to leave apparently.

But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.

I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.

I think it would hurt a lot less that way.

Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.

So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.

And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.

No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.

I can't keep going like this.

It would be easier just to drown.

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

Tw: suicidal idealation, sh, sui

Nobody noticed when I stopped including myself in the photos. When I stopped trying to stand out in the group. They didn't notice that I started to fade into the background more and more. It was like I wasn't even there.

Every time I've cried it's been alone. Not once has someone helped me through a panic attack. There is no one here who will help me. I am alone. Why won't anybody help me? I've done everything that I can to save them.

I can't seem to let them go though. Especially the one who hurts me the most. Because even though he makes me feel like I don't matter and am just annoying, he's the only one who really makes me happy. So when he is nice to me my heart is so happy even though I know it won't last and that he'll be back to acting too good for me soon.

But he just doesn't get it. When I message you something random, that's my desperate cry for a distraction. I need help, but he pops in and out of the conversation and then I know that I mean nothing to the person who is my world. And then I cry. I cry until I can't breath because I need him but he doesn't even want me.

Nobody wants me.

I'm so tired. I can't keep going like this. I need someone to love. Someone to give me something to live for. But I don't have that.

So I live only because I have failed to die. I don't take the pills because I can't move my body. I just stare at the wall and feel the tears fall. I give myself drawings made of scars because I don't deserve to have something pretty without pain.

Maybe someday soon I'll finally get the courage.

i hate snapchat memories lol. just saw some pics from 5 years ago of me and my friends on call when we started online school during the pandemic and it fucking stung way more than i anticipated. these people don't talk to me anymore. they've all moved on with their lives and im still drowning in the past by myself, wishing they'd come back to get me. they have partners and new friends in our old city, and i got forcefully pulled away to a whole new province without my permission. i get to start all over again with friendships and family i don't want in my life.

i miss my friends.

why am i even bothering with sobriety and cleanness at this point. all i wanna do is be high and forget how fucking miserable im gonna be for the rest of my life. just for a few hours. but i cAnT because tHinGs WoNt EvEr gEt BeTtEr iF yOuRe uSiNg. who the fuck cares if it gets better at this point? it obviously fucking won't. i'm trapped in this fucking disgusting body forever. the least i can do for myself is make myself happy for a little while.

am letting tumblr decide, should i get high on klonopin tonight? 👀👀

chat should i actually block every single one of my friends from my hometown and completely isolate myself in another province

weed does not fucking cut it at all anymore and im out of klonopin that means it is time to shed my skin suit and fly into the sun someone pls distract me lol

"read 2 hours ago" okay what if i just block you and you never hear from me again instead

theres something about being called "buddy" by someone who used to call you their "babyboy" that really just stabs me 87 in the chest

might fuck around and get high on klonopin for the first time in awhile 👀

how the fuck do you make friends.

everyone else in my life gets to go hang out with their friends and go home to their partners and i hate it. i really hate to say that i hate seeing their happiness. it's not that i don't want them to b be happy and lead good lives, it's that im a fucking dumb jealous asshole.

everyone makes it seem like them and all of their friends just clicked together. there was no awkwardness at the start and everything just went so smoothly. meanwhile i can't get past the awkward small talk phase with everyone and it's completely discouraging. I dont want to end up alone. i don't wanna be forced into the shadows while i watch everyone else have a life besides me because i just flat out didn't deserve to have one.

tldr someone pls become unhealthily obsessed with me and i will offer the same in return

you know when you're talking to your friend who you also used to date and they're talking about their new love interests and it's all you can fucking do not to lose your shit and split on them and just listen and congratulate them because logically you love that person because they are your best friend and they also love you but shit just didn't work romantically between the two of you but now every time they talk about it you wanna put scissors in your ears because you feel so fucking lonely and disgusting and unworthy of the thing that everyone else has but you don't??

no me neither

hello tumblr people in my phone im back and worse than ever

if i see one more national boyfriend day post im throwing myself into traffic

i think all my friends want me to kill myself lol

why the fuck are you all i think about it's been over a year since we've been together and were still best friends but god all i fucking want is you and i fucked it all up and it's all my fault that we're not even together anymore because i couldn't love you in the way you needed to be loved and it fills my heart so impossibly full to see you happy with him but fuck it makes me the most miserable ive ever felt because i know i'll always be alone i'll never have what i had with you again and i don't think im ever gonna forgive myself for giving you up but you deserved better than me for a lover goodnight tumblr

i require erotic death threats for my well being pls uwu

literally all i want is someone who's excited to talk to me im tired of desperately sexualizing myself in the hopes that that'll come i just want to be loved and wanted lol

there is probably nothing good for you here.

• Adam/Adrian (i am indecisive call me fuckface if you want idc)

• 21

• he/they

a vent blog or something idk there are many trigger warnings

vent art.. its been a really stressful month

tw selfharm

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idfk yall

im NOT a deep cvtter </3 (i love styros so idc but yeah)

what should i do if i got blood on my bed sheets? how do i get it off? (this was from SH)

ok, so, u should scrub them under warm or hot water w a bar of soap to get some of it off, then u should sprinke hydrogen peroxide on them (u can get it from a drxg store) to remove the remaining bits of it off, dont forget to wipe it off when itz done, n then u should jst put them in the washer so they dont smell like chemicals n so theyre 100% clean

my intro !!!

charlie!!

they/them [non-binary, afab]

pan aroace [demiromantic+aceflux]

in a relationship!! my amazing dear darling wife: @vodozemacc350

teen [not comfortable w sharing my age, but my age range is 13-16]

4nor3xia, depression, anxiety, sh add1ct (cvtter) + other undiagnosed mental health illnesses (undiagnosed autism n borderline personality disorder)

im chronically ill, but i dont like talking abt it a lot

i talk a lot abt my sh n 4nor3xia, so if u feel uncomf w seeing that, block me, dont report

scene + indie

please use tonetags 4 me ToT

my dms r open, talk to me please TvT

u can ask if u want any of my other social

DNI LIST:

p3dos, z00s, any other ___phile (this is a kinda-dni, im ok w interacting w u as long as u dont say/do anything bad bcz i have trauma from multiple p4rapl1les i met in the past)

h0mophobes, r4cists, tr4nsphobes, m1sogynist, ect.

ESPECIALLY trump supporters

fandoms:

arcane

mouthwashing

pjo

hp

icp

fear street [both books n movies]

mlp

sally face

scream

+ many more that i dont remember rn-

my 4n4 info!!

hw/sw: 45 kg

cw: 44.6 kg

gw1: 42 kg

gw2: 40 kg

ugw: 38kg

thatz it <3 bye ^^

i rel@psed.

fuck

i couldnt even make it to one week

im so fucking done w this shit

(i wanna pack my bags n run away, i cant do this shit anymore istg)