Tw: Syscourse

Feel lucky, I can never get our voice to work right

-Hunter

Voice dysphoria is the literal worst. Like, it’s easy enough to avoid our reflection, but damn is it hard to avoid talking when most people don’t know American Sign Language.

Fuck this and me.

-Hunter

Well of course you don’t remember it, to you it was just another time you had to deal with your kid being annoying. To you it was just a short second when you couldn't be bothered to control your anger. To you it was just another inconvenience after an already long day.

But to me, the kid that you yelled at to stop crying because you had a headache, to me it was the first of many moments that taught me I was only an inconvenience. To me it was the shocking reality that I am only worth your affection if I'm easy to deal with.

I don't expect you to remember what to you was only another tired day. But you can trust that I won't forget the first thing you ever taught me.

Waves!!

I see you in our notes on @crow-collective15 a lot and wanted to say hello!!!

Hi! Hope you are doing well.

-Apollo

Random person to my system friend: you like boba?

My system friend: it depends on my mood

Me: is that what we’re calling them now? Moods?

Me: proceeds to cry laughing

-Apollo

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

Me and my one irl system friend are tuned into the same microwave frequency, trying to push the buttons and make it work when it’s not even plugged in.

-Apollo

I hate this body that I am chained to. This life I live and name I must react to. I hate the way our jaw clicks when we chew, I hate that I have the wrong genitalia, I hate that I am now three inches too short I hate that our feet hurt after standing for all of a minute, I hate these eyes that stare at me with no sense of recognition, I hate that my hair is so much darker than it should be, I hate how unpointed my ears are, I hate how uncrooked my nose is, I hate my lack of scars that I used to carry with pride, where is my reminder to keep fighting?

I hate the reflection that looks nothing like me any more. I wish I could just go back

-Hunter.

I hate constantly having to mask our identity to the point of forgetting who we are. It sucks

- Be

Okay but can we talk about how annoying it is to switch in to the body and the host put us in a super tight corset and none of us can breathe?

-A male alter in a afab body

I’ve tried journaling and we collectively suck at it, but the pictures definitely might help if we can figure out how to do it consistently. Thank you so much for the suggestion/gen /pos

-Apollo

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.