Please Keep In Mind That This Is My Personal Experience

TW venting, suicide

I hate my life so much rn, everything is falling apart. My parents wont stop fighting, my siblings treat me like a second choice, i have terrible anxiety about university and my whole body hurts. Like literally. My joints hurt so bad and it got steadily worse over the last 7 fucking years and nothing helps. Like not at all. Something is hurting 24/7 and it never gets better and i dont know what to do. I lie down and something hurts. I sit up and something hurts. I stand up and something hurts. I walk, jog or run and something hurts.

If there wont be a miracle anytime soon, ill either kill myself directly or start therapeuutic fasting and only stop once im dead lmao

I really cant stand this any longer, im so done with all of it

I just wanna end it all

I wish I could do this to my body

I HATE my father so much

He is so commanding and controlling. He only does whatever he pleases to do and not a single thing more. He is truly convinced that his opinion is the only acceptable one and simply starts shouting whenever a minor thing doesnt go the way he wants it to

I hate him so so much

Sooo

At the moment, i am almost back at my highest weight. I used to feel horrible about that and somehow, i still do.

On friday, i binged and felt totally unmotivated, i thought that i just fucked up another day

However, on Friday evening, i decided to save the day. i ran a half marathon even though nobody believed that i could Do it (well, i believed in myself at some point, but neither my family nor my friends, except for one, thought that i could do it).

I am amazed by what my body is able to do if i fuel it properly.

This is why i will now try to stop obsessing over my enormous thighs and start training, challenging and improving my body rather than wanting a lower number on the scale

Idk if this makes any sense, just wanted to vent lol

So my father just forbid me to eat cake on Easter Sunday because it has too many calories

FIRST, I know the calories, he knows nothing about them

SECOND I am at a normal/healthy weight, he is oberweight

THIRD, I can make myself purge, ge doesnt

FOURTH, I will go for a long run in the evening

FIFTH I wont eat breakfast on Sunday

But well, i guess ill just watch everyone eat cake because now there is a 0% chance that i will eat cake in Front of my father

Lmao i wish i was dead

Tw!!!!!

Self harm

So this evening, i felt the urge to self harm when my parents made me feel like shit BUT instead of cutting myself like i wanted to, i went for a run and enjoyed a warm shower after that :)

I am so happy because to me, it is always a huge problem to resist the urge to self harm :)

Quick leg check | 44 kg | 162 cm

taken from my instagram @/jollyeojeah

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bh1ywIen6IC/?taken-by=jollyeojeah

Summer’s Dream - Cathy Cassidy

Just think: stick to your plans, and in 6 months, you might not even recognize yourself.

Neue Diät: ich darf nur an denen Tagen auf tiktok, an denen ich weniger wiege als am Tag davor