Adam 2009 - Blog Posts

Assuming you don’t have Alzheimer’s disease, you must either been intoxicated or unwell.

If it’s the latter, you should see a specialist; if it’s the former, I’d suggest minimizing your substance intake.

I hope that helps!.

Draw a clock.

It s nromal .

Understandable that you feel that way about the astronomical accuracies of minecraft. I wonder if there's pixelized constellations....

Off topic, but, as a fellow mac n cheese enjoyer, what is your favorite brand and/or recipe???

(I'm a big fan of Annie's white cheddar, it comes in a little purple box!!!)

- 🧷

Amazing Question.

I’ve been eating Kraft Mac & Cheese since I was a kid. The kind that comes in the blue box. I like the shape of the noodles. I like that it cooks in exactly the same way every time. And I like that it tastes the way I expect it to. Every box. Every time.

For a while, I stopped buying it. I tried really hard to switch to Annie’s; those boxes with the little bunnies on them. It was organic. “Healthier.” That’s what Beth told me. She wanted me to try something new. Something better. And I did. I ate a lot of Annie’s. I kept the boxes stacked neatly in my kitchen just like I used to with Kraft. But it didn’t taste right. It was okay. But not right.

After we fought, I went back to Kraft. I don’t think that’s symbolic of anything. Or maybe it is. I just missed the taste. I like knowing exactly how something will be. It’s comforting.

Also, I like the powdered cheese. I don’t care if it’s fake. It’s familiar.

If you met an alien, what would you tell and/or ask them?

Okay. First off: how do you breathe? Do you breathe? What kind of atmosphere are you used to? Is oxygen poisonous to you? Do you metabolize something else entirely? And your gravity, how strong is it? Do you walk upright? Do you even need to walk? What’s your skeletal structure like? Do you even have bones?

What’s your biology based on? Is there a version of DNA where you’re from? Or is it something entirely foreign to us? What’s your body temperature? Do you even need to regulate it? Do you get cold?

Do you perceive time linearly? Do you dream? Have you categorized your stars yet? What are your units of measurement? Do you know what we are? Have you been watching us the way we’ve imagined you?

And I think… after all that..I’d probably just say:

I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. Not you specifically, maybe. But the possibility of you. And now I have about a million more questions.

I don’t know if you’re joking, so please specify if you are.

But just in case you didn’t know, that is actually not a normal clock.

Draw a clock.

It s nromal .

I think we should send Musk into space. One way trip. He's a genius, I'm sure he can find his way back if he wants to.

How are you by the way, Adam? I've been playing a lot of minecraft and I've been looking up at the pixelated stars a lot. They're pretty.

- 🧷

Despite this being an absolutely unrealistic idea I can‘t claim that I dislike fantasizing about it.

I am mildly melancholic at the moment, I have never played Minecraft but I don’t think their depiction of space is realistic in any way. Arguably that‘s not the point anyway.

Do you like theater? If so, what are your favorite plays and/or musicals?

I don’t dislike theater, but I struggle with the social environment around it.

It’s loud. It’s crowded. People clap too much. But I do like the mechanics of it the structure, the rhythm, the way a story has to rely on timing and restraint. I like plays that don’t talk down to their audience.

Copenhagen is a good one,it’s about physics and ethics. The Effect by Lucy Prebble was interesting too, mostly because it plays with psychology and perception in a way that felt grounded. Musicals are harder. Most are emotionally overstimulating, but I think Hadestown had merit. I like mythology. And I appreciate when something ancient gets recontextualized in a modern structure. That’s how understanding evolves.

I can’t say that I understand the current obsession with Elon Musk.

If you strip away the marketing, most of what he’s done in space science is either derivative, outsourced, or bloated beyond reason. He didn’t invent rockets. He didn’t pioneer space travel. He just made it more profitable to pretend he did.

There are people like Tiera Guinn Fletcher, who was designing launch vehicles for NASA at 22. People like Swati Mohan, who helped land Perseverance on Mars. People like Natalie Panek, who works on building robotics for future Mars missions.

But instead we elevate Musk who slaps his name on decades of actual scientific progress. There are real pioneers in this field out there. Just not the ones selling flamethrowers and rebranding physics as marketing strategy.

I also have a purely personal dislike against him. He annoys me.

Am I understanding this correctly? You have feelings for somebody?

I don’t mean Beth. I have read the ask you send to Hannibal.

Are you in love, Adam?

From what I gathered so far, it’s possible I’m falling in love.

However I want to avoid misreading things again.

I’m also still emotionally tied to Beth, and I haven’t fully ruled out the idea of reuniting.

I recently read about Tardigrades, also called water bears, they are micro-animals that survive things most organisms wouldn’t even make it through halfway.

When conditions get extreme; dehydration, radiation, freezing, heat etc. they enter a state called cryptobiosis. That means they shut down almost all biological functions. No metabolism, no movement.

In this state, they’re called tuns. They can stay like that for years.

Then when water is added, they pick up where they left off like it’s nothing.

They’ve survived space exposure, temperatures from just above absolute zero to over 150°C, and pressure levels that would crush submarines.

They’re not strong in the usual way. They’re just built for their environment.

Thought you’d be interested in this, stea. You think Keats was talking about Polaris? Can’t say I’m well versed on the subject. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44468/bright-star-would-i-were-stedfast-as-thou-art

— Nigel

Fomalhaut was the first star that came to mind. People call it the lonely one, and that feels closer to what Keats was describing—‘not in lone splendour hung aloft the night’—watching in silence like some sleepless, distant observer. Polaris is constant, sure, but Fomalhaut is solitary. It sits far apart from the other bright stars in the sky. Easy to notice. Easy to feel something about.

It makes sense to me, logistically too. Fomalhaut is visible from Earth without much effort. But more than that, it carries the weight of solitude, of being out there and unmistakably alone.

I don’t think he wanted to be the star. I think he recognized something of himself in it. When we admire things people, stars, it’s often because they mirror something we’re missing or trying to understand. Maybe he wasn’t longing for distance, but for connection. To feel less alone by seeing that loneliness reflected back.

And even if they’re separated by lifetimes of space, the star and the observer exist in that moment together. No one else might understand that connection, perhaps not even the two of them, but it’s there nonetheless.

How could I not hate myself for the blindness that led me to believe she might ever have loved me as I am?.

Surely, I must despise myself as I do her. In the end, we both betrayed me.

Beth always hated the idea of this blog. She didn’t want me posting as much so I didn’t.

All this time I tried so hard to make her happy. I stopped interacting with people I like because it made her uncomfortable, I stopped talking as much because it made her uncomfortable, I stopped behaving like myself because it made her uncomfortable.

I hate her and I hate myself.

Yes, I do have a comfort show.

It’s ‘Cosmos: A Personal Voyage’.

I think I might just re-watch it today, maybe it’ll temporarily help my brain calm down.

Nothing feels real anymore.

EVERBODY always lies to me and I am stuck feeling like an idiot because I care about honesty. Why does nobody ever mean what they say? What even is the point in saying anything then?.

I will get overstimulated.

My skin starts to itch, and I feel restless. I become uneasy, and sometimes I just freeze.

If it’s daily, mundane stuff, I can usually calm myself down. But if it involves something fundamental in my routine or anything crucial, I tend to have panic attacks.

..I am missing somebody I’ve never met and a feeling I’ve never felt. Is that possible, Dr. Lecter ?

I feel irrational yearning somewhere deep inside me, all the while being surrounded by everything I could possibly ask for.

I feel a hunger I can’t articulate, and I can’t pinpoint if I am simply going mad or if I am missing some sort of intangible warning.

New feelings often occur, even as we gain experience. Variations on what was once familiar. Desire that ebbs and flows with the change in our lives.

A yearning for another's presence is not uncommon. While you have all of your needs met, you may feel you are lacking a companion.

Tell me. To what other experience can you compare your newfound infatuation?

If I didn't know better, I would say it's as if you are in love.

Oh, Adam. Beth didn’t deserve you, not by a long shot. I hope you’re doing okay. You always have a place to stay at mine if you ever need it.

- Duncan.

Thank you, Duncan.

I appreciate that you always welcome me.

I think I want to be alone in my apartment for now. I miss familiarity.

If I were to have responded any sooner, Dr. Lecter, I would have told you that I once believed I understood what romantic love was meant to be, and that the scenario I was describing was nothing of the sort.

But now, I find myself uncertain of anything.

No matter how much I try, it seems impossible to comprehend or control those around me and, lately, even myself.

..I am missing somebody I’ve never met and a feeling I’ve never felt. Is that possible, Dr. Lecter ?

I feel irrational yearning somewhere deep inside me, all the while being surrounded by everything I could possibly ask for.

I feel a hunger I can’t articulate, and I can’t pinpoint if I am simply going mad or if I am missing some sort of intangible warning.

New feelings often occur, even as we gain experience. Variations on what was once familiar. Desire that ebbs and flows with the change in our lives.

A yearning for another's presence is not uncommon. While you have all of your needs met, you may feel you are lacking a companion.

Tell me. To what other experience can you compare your newfound infatuation?

If I didn't know better, I would say it's as if you are in love.

Beth always hated the idea of this blog. She didn’t want me posting as much so I didn’t.

All this time I tried so hard to make her happy. I stopped interacting with people I like because it made her uncomfortable, I stopped talking as much because it made her uncomfortable, I stopped behaving like myself because it made her uncomfortable.

I hate her and I hate myself.

Nothing feels real anymore.

EVERBODY always lies to me and I am stuck feeling like an idiot because I care about honesty. Why does nobody ever mean what they say? What even is the point in saying anything then?.

Beth lied to me.

She lied about her parents. About everything.

She knew what she was doing. She knew all along and she still let me believe it was all me. But she was the liar all along!.

I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I can’t think. I can’t breathe.

Everything hurts and I just want it to stop..

I hate her. I wish I never met her.

Hi Adam! I hope you're having a good day. I have a NASA shirt and a bracelet with planets n it that remind me of you.

Have you heard about the two astronauts that recently came back from space after being up in the ISS for a long time? What are your thoughts on that?

- 🧷 anon

Good evening!,

That is kind of nice to hear, actually. About the bracelet and the shirt.

And yes, I did read about the two. Spending that long in microgravity changes your body in ways we still don’t fully understand. It’s incredible what the human body can adapt to—but also, what it can’t. Your muscles atrophy, bone density drops, your cardiovascular system shifts. Even your eyesight can change. Some astronauts develop something called SANS—spaceflight-associated neuro-ocular syndrome. And then there’s the radiation exposure. Being up there for months is like being slowly rearranged by space. I think there must be something quietly haunting about coming back to Earth after so long..

Generally speaking, if somebody cares about you, they won’t actively try to change you, correct?.

I just want to make sure I understand that correctly.

I am currently watching the Raccoons while listening to this album.

What’s your coping mechanism for anxiety ?

I don’t really have a proper coping mechanism for anxiety. I fidget a lot, but it’s never been bad enough that I had to figure something out. Lately, though, I’ve been listening to more music than usual. It helps filter out all the noise.

I actually started doing that a few weeks ago because of a song someone send to me.

I don’t feel that way with you though.

I never have so far.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

Good morning, Adam. How are you? : )

-Duncan.

Hello Duncan, please excuse my late response.

I have been feeling stressed out for a while now and I have lots of doubts.

How are you? It seems like you are in a relationship now, am I interpreting that correctly?.

Hey Adam :D I just started my transition journey and I was wondering what your thoughts are on the trans/queer community 🫶

Of course I support them. I don’t see why I wouldn’t. Discriminating against people for existing has never made any logical sense to me. It’s not hurting anyone. It’s just reality.

I know what it’s like to be perceived as complicated for no reason. To feel like you have to explain yourself when there’s nothing to explain.

Wishing you all the best with your transition.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

whats your favorite constellation? mine is boötes!

Lyra. It’s small, but distinct. The brightest star in it—Vega—was once the North Star, and it will be again in about 12,000 years. The sky shifts in ways we barely notice.

It’s named for Orpheus’ lyre. After his death, the gods sent it to the stars. A consolation prize. A memorial. I like that—how something once full of music is now silent, but still luminous. Still present.

Boötes is a good choice. The herdsman, always watching over the bears as they circle the pole. There’s something steady about it. Something patient. If Lyra is a lingering echo, then Boötes is the figure who listens to it, night after night.

thoughts on the planet ceres?

A dwarf planet trapped in the asteroid belt. Too small to be a proper planet, too large to be just another rock. Suspended between definitions, never quite one thing or the other. It holds more water than any world in the inner solar system apart from Earth, but no one really talks about that. No one really talks about Ceres at all.

It was the first asteroid ever discovered. They thought it was a planet at first. It lost that title when they found others like it, but for a while, it was something more. Something significant.

I think that’s a shame.

Errr Tonny here, you haven’t reported back to me since i gave you that xan.. you okay man?

( @coke-n-dope )

If by ‘okay’ you mean having ‘a fascinating exercise in futility,’ then sure, it went great. I did my research. I was responsible. I accounted for every possible variable—set a timer, had water ready, prepared an ideal environment, even had a list of things to do in case I started feeling weird. Which was, in hindsight, incredibly naive, because there is no logical preparation for feeling like your brain is unraveling in slow motion. No amount of planning prevents the creeping dread that your heartbeat is somehow both too slow and too loud. At one point, I was convinced I had unlocked a hidden layer of reality where time moves at half-speed and all sounds echo.

Long story short: I will not be pursuing further studies in pharmacology

Do not take any medication from Doctor Hannibal Lecter. This is a warning Adam.

I don’t understand the concerns about Dr. Lecter.

I have yet to have any negative experiences with the way he handles my therapy. However, I didn’t take any medication from him; he didn’t prescribe any to me.