Who Am I - Blog Posts

When something bad happens to you, you may feel you have to change as a person, you act out and make up a new personality that isn't you to cope, and sometimes you take it so far you don't even remember who you are anymore, I've been dealing with this for the longest time, but I think I've found a good way to explain the way I'm trying to connect to old me and hopefully find out who I am.

Imagine your image of yourself, the way you are is a mirror, and when the bad shit happens, the mirror slightly cracks after something like that happens. You may be like me and purposely chance your personality to deal with that and try not to be like the old you to stop the feelings. Now imagine that is just you breaking the mirror even more. After a few years of this behavior, you can't even recognize your reflection anymore because the mirror has gotten so small it's just shards. So you try to find one shard you can still see yourself in (one part of your past self you still connect to) and try to feel like that version of you again. Eventually, you will connect the bits of the mirror together again. And sure, it may not be perfect, but it's you, and you can stick the bits of mirror together anyway you want. use glue? sure, stickers? why not, tape? fuck yes, that represents the you you are now still being a part of the new you maybe some shards won't fit you anymore maybe the mirror will have a different shape but it's still you in the reflection looking back at yourself.

Once you fix the mirror and find out how to be the you you were before you pretended to be someone else again, you can try and live on and change naturally because of experiences Instead of obsessively making up personalities you're trying so hard to be hoping one day one will feel right, you can slowly, over time, change, mature, and become a different person, and that person would (hopefully) be you.

Sorry if this sounds dumb it's just an idea I use to try and find myself again, I'm still working through it, so I don't know if it works yet.

I feel as if I don't know myself.

I feel as if I don't know myself. 

        Not really, like I look in the mirror and see myself. Blond hair, mismatched coloured eyes, head to toe in yellow. But I also see a 15-year-old whose life is still being decided for them. Even with all the freedom, they could dream of. A world full of beautiful people and my soul decided this body, this life. I already came to terms with this though. 

I’d like to believe I chose this as some sort of afterlife where I was good in my past life. Or maybe I was bad. I feel like I would be a worm or something if I were bad but, being a worm would be significantly better than going to school every day. Only 8 months left though. Doesn't seem that long before college, which I know will be heaven. Less annoying people. I can focus more, have a usable library, have less social pressure, wearing my own clothes! The whole gist of it is so much better. Being a worm would be so simple, dig, eat? Get eaten by the early bird? Drink water? 

Okay, being a worm might not be that easy. I'm overthinking it a bit. A cat maybe? I like cats they are soft… well most of them. But they get fleas and into cat fights and the thought of licking myself so much, as well as annoying kids that would still bother me. I could be one of those indoor cats that are pampered their whole life, but the inbreeding and annoying fur and smothering old people. If I was a cat I would probably be a cat of a young college girl. 

College will be heaven. Well, at least my description of it. Worrying about the future but having most of it sorted, deciding in high school is the hard bit. And I bet the work would be fun. High school work sucks, it's all in books and all my notes are messy and confusing and I don't ever use them. ever. There is no point in writing them in the first place. I can have food at more practical times, better food in college for sure as well as free days when no work is required. The homework just seems nicer. 

Back to the main point, I don't know myself. Maybe I will in college. I already go on Fridays and am known for my overall confident fashion choices. Constantly showered in compliments. I think there would be more people like me. (Whoever ‘me’ is.) Someone with no set fashion sense, pescatarian, lesbian. Yea probably more lesbians. 

In the UK college isn't this big thing, I'm not moving away from my family or anything or getting a whole new friendship group, everyone is the same. I just like it more. More diverse people in my opinion, somehow, considering they are basically the same people. I guess in vogueing in them finding themselves like how I’m finding myself. Guessing people can change over an extended summer or just the annoying ones not doing my course. Yea I feel like it would be better if they just stayed away from me. 

Currently, all I know about myself while writing this is 1. I don't want to be a worm. 

2. I want to be a college cat in my next life 

3. COLLGE WILL BE BETTER THSN HIGHSCHOOL. 

4. I don't like annoying school kids. 

5. I’m someone with no set fashion sense, pescatarian, lesbian. 

Yet, not closer to finding out who I am. I guess it takes more figuring out than a short essay on random topics to figure that out. Shame. Guess ill have to wait for college.

Am I Kiki or Bouba?

MAY or may NOT be disguising myself as the host to a few people so MUCH that i'm forgetting what my inner voice sounds like... OOPS!!!

and i'm waiting for the host's boyfriend's pure vanilla alter — who i MAY or MAY NOT have a crush on — to edit aer model to show me how he actually looks...

ALSO, have an ugly photo of one of our cats as compensation!!!

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