The Body Is Going Through Some Really Severe Medication Withdrawal Due To A Mixup With Our Psychiatrist

-Hunter

[Text: This introject isn't their source.]

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So these tags were on my post about amnesia. And I want to address it. Short answer, no you do not. You need blackout amnesia (assuming that’s what you meant by full amnesia) in order to have DID.

DID is not the only way to have a system, OSDD 1-b has very little or no amnesia and still has alters, so does p-DID.

Though I do want to differentiate between the different types of amnesia.

Emotional amnesia: where you don’t remember any emotions that you were feeling during the event.

Greyouts: when you remember what happened but have no memories of it, as if someone told you about the event but you weren’t there.

Blackouts: when you don’t remember anything about what happened, and you often don’t remember that you missed something.

I’d also like to mention that amnesia often doesn’t happen in the moment, often the memory will fade over a short period of time until they’re gone. At least that’s what I experience.

Anyways, here you are @sprites-your-cal

Hope this helped

-Apollo

That system feeling when your MALE alter comes out and finds your STRAIGHT boyfriend cute and then proceeds to flirt with him and makes him question everything. 😂

-Apollo

I played the game again today and as of this point I still remember it, let’s see if I do tomorrow, lol

-Apollo

Okay, so on amnesia, there’s this game that I’ve apparently played with my bf FOUR times now. And I don’t remember any of them. Until he told me today I didn’t even realize that I had played a fourth time. And I only knew about the first three because he had told me about them some point after we played.

It is absolutely insane to me how fully I can forget something like that. How totally absolute my brain is when blocking it out. I don’t remember us planning to play, getting ready to play, playing, wrapping up, or whatever we did after that. It’s absolutely insane. And apparently I’ve beat my boyfriend at it several times now.

It’s not an obviously triggering game either, it’s a basic fantasy monster slayer type board game using cats and other furry animal characters. I assume, I don’t remember ever playing it.

The weirdest part to me is that I don’t even remember missing anything. I have no clue when we played, or what we were doing before or after. It legitimately feels like it never even happened and all I have to go off of is my boyfriend’s word, which I do trust, it’s just so bizarre. It’s almost hard to believe any of it happened because of my complete and total lack or recollection of it.

Anyways, I’ve decided next time he brings it out we’ll have to record at least part of the game so I can look back on it.

Reblogging our own crap cause someone did it again!

*cough cough* APOLLO *cough cough*

Only this time, it’s me suffering for their actions.

Uuhhggg we feel like crap. Goodnight all.

-Hunter

When you’re a fictive with a tragic hero to villain to hero arc and you have a ton of source trauma that you don’t feel is valid and now you’re just homesick and guilt ridden and you can’t sleep cause SOMEONE drank a monster at 7 PM….

Anyways have a nice night guys

-Varian

That system feeling when you have a headache and don’t know if it’s cause you’re splitting, switching, or you forgot to take your meds.

-Apollo

So, the host of our system has written a novel. Fantasy fiction type that can be really dark at times. She’s been working on it for like ever and is really proud of it. She’s in the final editing stages. Good for her.

But… as with any media we hyperfixate on, we now have a fictive of probably the most traumatized character in the whole thing. And they really miss their friends that they fought so hard to protect. Recently they came out and was talking with the hosts boyfriend, something they had refrained from doing with anyone. And he asked if the fictive wanted to talk about his friends in source.

This was a game changer, up to this point we had refrained from thinking of any of our sourcemates as real people. We didn’t want to cling to them. But then someone suggested that we were valid for missing them, and that they were more than a figment of our imagination. Which was revolutionary to our system and thought process.

So for the first time one of our fictives started reminiscing on their friends from source. It was incredibly therapeutic for them. And as much as we’re aware that clinging to source can make moving on harder, there is a certain level of acceptance and respect you have to give it first. Letting go of your source does not mean forgetting. It just means accepting that you can’t go back.

Anyways, in case you didn’t guess the traumatized fictive from the host’s book is me. I’m the traumatized fictive.

Yay for me.

So if you’re a fictive struggling with missing source, maybe try this out and see if it helps.

Tw: this is a vent related to heavy source trauma, grief, life threatening situations, and self hatred.

So I’m a fictive of Varian from the Tangled TV series. For anyone who’s seen that series and knows what I’m talking about, the memories I have all consist of grief and guilt, I only remember the moment after I got my dad trapped. That’s it. Imagine the darkest point of your life being the only thing you can remember about yourself.

I blame myself for putting my dad in danger and I never got the chance to see if he would be okay. I know that it works out in my source but… I’m not my source.

I don’t know how to deal with all the guilt I feel. I don’t know how to move on if I don’t know what happens next.

I will scroll through fan art people have of me and my source, purposely triggering myself so I can stay grounded and actually feel something.

It’s difficult when everyone around you either doesn’t believe you exist or doesn’t want you to. I don’t really have anyone to turn to, hence the very personal post on tumbler.

If this is too much just lmk and I’ll take it down. But this is what it is to be a fictive with a traumatic source. Or to be around people who only know or want the host. The hosts friends are cool, but it feels like they would rather I be Apollo. And I can’t do that. I’m not totally sure what to do about it at this point.

-Varian

Yep. This. Literally this.

There are SO many things that I didn't realize I actually experienced because the descriptions of those symptoms sound like they're saying something else.

About 85-95% percent of our memories are in third person but I totally thought most people had that to a good extent until I talked to several people who not only thought it was super weird, but also didn't even know what I was saying because the very idea of it is so foreign.

This is why discussions of dissociation in CDD spaces REALLY should be only for 'traumagenic' systems. Whether you believe you can be a system without trauma, if you don't believe you have the trauma or the disorder caused by it, you shouldn't be in spaces for those trying to figure out how to manage disorder.

Also the mental health medical system sucks ass. We need more professionals who can actually bridge the gap between text book definitions and what it actually fucking looks like. We went to an evaluation and downplayed our symptoms so fucking much because we didn't think they fit the written descriptions (and growing up being gaslit into believing we're overreacting about everything). We got a very noncommittal place holder diagnosis from that appointment, that we waited six months and drove 2 hours for, probably because we told the doctor we didn't have amnesia because we had no fucking idea what emotional or grey out amnesia was, AND we didn't know that you can have black outs and not realize anything. is missing. We figured the lack of 'waking up' and not remembering how we got where we were, meant that we had zero amnesia. But holy shit is that wrong.

Anyways. All that to say, OP, you are not the only one who experiences this.

-Apollo (maybe?)

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.

To the hosts out there reading, this post is for you!

You're doing god's work (for your sys) and i applaud you for that as this role takes a lot of responsibility and out-time longer than any other parts in the system. I do admit it's hard to be one, and i do understand your inner struggles.. which is why i'm going to talk about this topic: deeply rooted sense of denial.

Yes, there's a lot of validating posts out there which is why i decided to join in and give my own pov in purpose of covering more stuffs than other people had done. Those things won’t be repeated here, fyi.

Q: Why do hosts tend to have more denial than others?

A: Actually, its not the type of role that guarantees you into having more denial compared to different parts, everyone can have it, in varying degrees. This is more about HOW hosts can have higher amounts of denial.

Q: But what's making them having denial, what's your "how"?

A: They're the one being outside most of the time and usually busy functioning in real life which leaves little to no room for attention to notice other parts roaming around or see the innerworld. They may subconsciously feel they are more "real" than other parts as the rest don't get the same chance to be out like hosts.

It can also stem from self doubt or imposter syndrome,, but generally from the discovery of being a system after a long time of living without knowing it, sometimes accepting a change or realization is already hard by itself. Lack of proof to validate the condition also works, because hosts usually got hidden away from traumatic memories which creates an assumption of not being “too bad” to have one.

Q: If someone feels the denial/doubt, what should be done?

A: Only being told “that’s denial” won’t actually solve the problem, other than proofs of not being aware of time gaps and ‘less bad’ memories it still feels a pretty weak answer. So, some questions that will work better are:

“Why do you think you can’t be a system?”

”Are you aware of any hazy or blurry memories of your life? What is the reason for it to happen?”

”In denial, have you ever thought of trying to find some clues and take account and think of it rather dismissing it right away?”

”how do you currently feel when you’re questioning the existence of other parts?” (This is for self awareness and managing panic before it spirals)

“Is there any other way to describe your situation?”

“Do you think the experiences you’ve seen in yourself is equivalent what a system looks like? (using other’s experiences can work)”

I have made a dedicated post on handling this so if you’d like to educate yourselves or see the solutions, click here. Another thing that i want to say is to be transparent with each other and communicate in a 2-way,, nothing will get solved if things are always kept away from each other.

One last thing i’d want to tell to all the hosts out there is that they deserve a break, a time out from the world. Nothing will go wrong,, no, your other parts are capable and responsible enough to cover for you when you’re resting. I really advice to anyone reading this that being burnt out and pushing against it is never good,, what do you get out of it? Just extra debt of depleted energy and even more problems be it cognitively or emotionally, only you know.

so please take care of yourselves, you’re the most important role when it comes to creating a functional life outside for your system, so you should take proper breaks keep your best condition to work too <3

- j