Latest Posts by dragonboygobrrrrr - Page 15

They'll be fiiine

Dick: Rule number one: do not go off on your own.

Dick: Rule number two: if you do go off on your own, do not go in the woods.

Dick: Rule number three: if you do go into the woods, never, ever, EVER make out in the woods, or you will DIE in the woods...

Kory:

Dick: Where are Roy and Jason?

Kory: Breaking rules one, two, and three.

[Dick’s Teen Titans era]

Donna: Gonna have to wash this blanket to get rid of that new smell.

Kory: *makes a note that humans prefer to mark objects with familiar scents*

—

Wally: Gotta love that new car smell.

Kory: *scratches out previous note and replaces it with a question mark*

—

Roy: Old books smell so good.

Kory: *increasingly frustrated note taking*

—

Dick: Mmm love that new book smell.

Kory: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

Even Amazons adore Robin

Wonder Woman rushed into the Amazon kingdom holding a precious little boy in a red and yellow costume. She placed him on the floor and he looked around amazed at the golden kingdom.

Hippolyta (crossing her arms): Diana, why is there a man in my kingdom?

Robin!Dick (9): You said your name was Wonder Woman.

Diana: Thanks mother, he knows my name! He's not a man, he's a precious little boy and hero.

Diana picked up Robin and hugged him tightly making him smile.

Diana: I'm not babying you am I?

Robin!Dick: I'm not complaining, my mom died so this is nice. Can I introduce myself?

Diana (placing Robin on the ground): Oh, yes go ahead. Mother, Amazon sisters you'll love this.

Robin walked up to the tall muscular Amazon queen, he waved then saluted.

Robin!Dick: Hi, I'm Robin! I can do flips and tricks.

One of the Amazon warrior covered her mouth, hiding her smile.

Hippolyta (sighing while closing her eyes): Zeus damn it, he's adorable.

Diana (simpering): See! Mother, he's innocent. His... Batman has gone mad. I have to snap him out of it, but he is out for blood and I will not let him hurt this child. He'll being staying here.

Hippolyta: He will not-

Diana: Fantastic you agree. I shall return in a few hours. Stay safe young warrior and mother feed them!

With that, Diana raced out of the throne room to retrieve her new lasso of truth and some other weapons. Hippolyta raised her arms confused at what just happened.

Hippolyta: I'm babysitting a human child and it's not even my grand baby.

Robin!Dick: Ma'am, I'm hungry, you got any chef boyarde? Or crayons? I can eat crayons.

Amazon warrior: Is this what they're like before turning into Zeus?

Hippolyta (tapping the top of her forehead): I have no idea anymore. There's some leftovers from a banquet last night, you can eat that.

Robin nodded with a smile and followed the queen to the kitchen.

Hippolyta: Crayons, I'm not sure what that is but doesn't seem safe to consume.

Don’t Mess with Tim Drake or his family will deal with you: Kylar

Wayne Manor - a spacious living room filled with elegant furniture. The afternoon sun casts warm shadows across the room.

Dick sat on the couch, a concerned look on his face. Tim sat next to him, visibly distressed and wiping tears from his eyes.

Dick (comforting): It's gonna be okay, Tim.

Tim (voice shaky): I usually can handle it, but… who the hell pours paint thinner on someone’s car?

Suddenly, the front door swung open with a loud bang, startling them. Jason strode in, exuding casual bravado.

Jason (playfully): Hey, assholes, how’s it—

He stopped upon seeing Tim’s tear-streaked face.

Jason (concerned): Why is Tim crying?

Dick (glancing at Tim): Somebody's been picking on him at work for being bi.

Jason’s demeanor shifted instantly, becoming serious.

Jason (intently): What?

Jason pulled out his cell phone.

Tim (sniffling): His name is Kylar. I reported him, but they say there’s no proof. I just have to wait and see what he does next.

A dry chuckle escaped Jason’s lips as he turned the phone towards Tim, displaying a photo of a frat boy type with a smug grin.

Jason (smirking): This him?

Tim (nodding): Y-Yes.

Jason (confidently): Sweet. He lives close by. I’ll be back.

Jason grabs one of Nightwing’s Escrima sticks and exits.

Dick (concerned): Where is he going?

Dick turned to Tim, who was still sobbing.

Dick (comfortingly): I’ll help you feel better.

Twenty minutes pass. Dick and Tim remain on the couch, the mood heavy.

Tim (regretfully): I should’ve never told them who Bernard was. Kylar made a bunch of homophobic jokes...

Dick (reassuring): Tim, it’s not your fault. This guy was always like that. He’s disgusting.

Tim (sighing): I’m sick of dealing with it.

Dick (calmly): Just tell Dad what happened.

Tim (defiantly): I can handle this on my own.

Dick (jokingly): What about giving him one quick bop on the face?

Tim (laughing softly): Violence isn’t going to help. I’d look bad.

Their conversation is interrupted by the front door slamming open again.

Dick (frustrated): Jason, seriously?

Jason returns, dragging a beaten Kylar into the room. Tim's eyes widen in shock.

Jason (excitedly): Timmy, I got a present for ya!

Kylar looks battered, with a black eye and bruises.

Jason (commandingly): Apologize.

Kylar (trembling): I’m sorry for what I said at work.

Jason (twisting Kylar’s arm): And?

Kylar (gasping): I’ll pay for the damages to your car!

Jason (menacingly): And you won’t bother him at work again, or I will ‘accidentally’ hit you with my car.

Kylar (defeated): Yes! Just let me go home!

Jason releases Kylar, who stumbles out, tears streaming down his face. He laughs as Kylar leaves.

Jason (turning to Tim): You good?

Tim (smiling despite the situation): Um... yes, actually.

Jason patted Tim on back then left.

Jason (over his shoulder): I’m ‘borrowing’ Bruce’s car for the day. Bye!

Dick turned to Tim.

Dick (apologetically): I’m sorry he did that—

Tim (smiling): On second thought… I’m glad he did something crazy this time.

Dick (chuckling): What happened to no violence?

Tim (light-heartedly): He’s more intimidating than both of us. Kylar got the message.

Dick (smiling): If he messes with you again, don’t worry—we’ve got your back.

Tim (softening): I appreciate that a lot.

The brothers shared a moment of laughter, the strength of their bond evident in the warmth of the living room.

"Is he okay?" Scarecrow, of all people, asked with concern.

Scarecrow observed the third Robin crossing the fear toxin-laced streets without a mask, his expression vacant and distant. Yet, it was clear that Tim wasn't under the influence of the toxin; instead, he had mentally retreated within himself.

Scarecrow (British accent): Hey, kid you've been breathing in my fear toxin for a few minutes. I usually relish this, but you're not screaming or crying. Everything good?

Robin: My dad just died, called me to tell me he loved me... I found his bloody corpse. No time to save him. I have since accepted that life is meaningless. I have nothing to fear because what's to fear when the people you love are dead and gone... what's the point to keep going when you can give up on life?

Scarecrow (analyzing the Robin): Deep depression from the loss of a parent is typical. This sadness will pass with time. Yet, the toll it takes on his spirit may leave scars that last far longer than the grief itself.

Robin (blinking quickly): There's no passing except both of them being dead. I feel nothing. There's no joy in anything, being happy, the moments with your parents, all gone. I embrace my sadness like a long lost lover.

Scarecrow (concerned): Right, right, where's Batman? You should go with him and rest for the night.

Batman walked over to Robin and placed one of the masks on his face then turned him away to head to the car.

Batman: You can sit this one out, okay? You're going through a lot and I don't want you to go insane from the toxin.

Robin (monotone): There's toxin? I wasn't aware, my whole life is nightmare.

Robin walked away while whisper singing a jazz song his father played for him once.

Robin: My lovin' daddy left his baby again/ Said he'd come back but he forgot to say when...

Scarecrow (calling out): Hey, kid I may be clinically insane, but don't give up on life. It'll get easier.

Robin waved his hand faintly while walking through the toxin fog to find the car, but his mind would rather stay outside and inhale the toxin and if it wasn't for Batman, he'd sit on the ground and breath the fear toxin deeply into his body.

Scarecrow: You're going to give him the usual antidote, correct?

Batman (nodding): Yeah, sorry about that, he's usually... not acting like me on a bad day.

Scarecrow: Seems he lost his father in a truly horrific manner. I'm guessing, which makes it hilarious to me, but I imagine a normal sane minded person would be shell shocked after it all settled in. He masks in front of others as a defense mechanism?

Batman: Yes, he masks it well with his friends, but when he's with me... that happens and I can not handle it.

Scarecrow (crossing his arms): He's continuing to fight crime with you which is admirable. Working is better than laying around all day. Grief can hinder progress in life, so you just have to keep moving. Be there for him, in times of grief a good support team helps bring the person back to normal.

Batman: Tsk... I forget you were a professor of psychology before you went insane, uh thanks. Can I just take you down and arrest you early then?

Scarecrow: Yeah, sure mate. I saw a young man who is reeling from his father's death and while I wish him the best, that's satisfying enough for me.

Batman glared at the man and punched him unconscious.

Batman (aggravated): You had to keep being an asshole, huh? Couldn't be nice for the entire conversation? Figures.

How Catwoman treats the old Robins sometimes

Catwoman: Nightwing, how's my first Robin doing? Aww, you still got that cute face. Or should I say handsome, look at that smile.

Nightwing (smiling): Aww, thank you.

Catwoman: Here you go.

Catwoman handed Nightwing fresh brownies. He took them happily. Catwoman then walked over to Red Hood.

Catwoman: Red Hood.

Red Hood (nod): Selina.

Catwoman: Are you better mentally or are you going to shoot me?

Red Hood (shrugging): Don't want to waste the bullets.

Catwoman (patting the man on the shoulder): Same bratty charm. I missed that, glad to have you back.

Catwoman walked off to head back to Batman. Red Hood looked at Nightwing eating the brownies and snatched one away.

Nightwing: Hey! You can't eat any, you have a helmet on.

Red Hood: I'm saving it for later.

Dick Grayson's Robin Having No Filter and Giving His Father a Migraine

Robin!Dick: Hi Ivy!

Poison Ivy: Hi... young child. Stand over there, away from the giant rose.

Robin!Dick stepped away from the rose while staring at it mesmerized.

Robin!Dick: Can I-

Batman: I will take you home.

Robin!Dick pouted and walked off grumbling.

Ivy: He's adorable, if I didn't hate people I'd keep him. Okay, so run it back, you want me to stop my mission to protect mother earth and you were like "that's wrong for you to do". Continue with being wrong.

Batman: I should not have to explain to you how your mission to save the earth doesn't benefit people. It's destructive.

Ivy: Why? Because some people might die? A few dead bodies are worth it for saving the planet.

Robin!Dick (shocked): What?! You're killing people to do this?

Ivy: Yes... A few dead bodies are worth- Why is his face sad?

Robin!Dick (trying not cry): That's so mean.

Batman (glaring at Ivy): Now you've upset him.

Ivy (indignant): All right last I checked, the earth is dying, I'm just being honest kid. What do you want me to say? I'm not destroying the Earth, big corporations pumping out microplastics, pouring random crap in the lakes, Nestle... JUST NESTLE! They're screwing this planet like she's a two dollar hooker! I stopped eating their chocolate bars after the founder said water shouldn't be given to everybody!

Robin!Dick (shocked): Did he actually say that?

Ivy (calm): Basically he implied water shouldn't have free access because Nestle is the biggest proprietor of bottled water and no amount of explaining will ever fix the fact he said that! So whatever you're about to say, Batman, I do not want to hear it! They’re destroying ecosystems, hunting endangered species, killing crops and-

Robin!Dick (interrupting): Hold up, that's all she's trying to fix?

Robin!Dick turns to Batman.

Batman: She's not doing it in logical way.

Robin!Dick: She's a green woman who can control plants! Does she look like she wants to use our logic? No offense by the way, Ivy.

Ivy: You're fine, I love my body.

Robin!Dick (confused why they're fighting her): Why don't we help her, Batman? Has she asked for your help?

Batman (sheepish): Um... It's been brought up in the past.

Robin!Dick: Then why haven't you?

Ivy: Yeah, Batman, that so mean.

Batman: Because... She's a criminal and will let people die for the cause.

Robin!Dick: Well I mean if it's that nestle guy I don't... Don't necessarily blame her and I've seen you beat the ever loving shit out a lot of bad guys.

Batman: Language.

Robin!Dick (loud): The context needed the word. I love you Batman, I do, but let's be real you steal police information and beat up thugs. You have not paid the commissioner back for the fire hydrant incident. I'm sorry, but you break a lot of laws. You say you're doing it to save lives, so is she! Most are plant lives, but I get it. We would be arrested too, but we're lucky, she's not... it's not right.

Ivy (sincere): Thanks kid.

Robin!Dick: You're welcome and plus in any other city, we'd be going to prison. You'd be, I'd be tossed into an orphanage and that... That's not fun.

Ivy: A lot of kids in the system have been abused, he's got a point.

Batman (annoyed): Why are you arguing with me, Robin?

Robin!Dick: Because dang it, she might have a point! We can help her to a degree... In fact isn't the building we're in is being sued for what they did to a lake? All those ducks died.

Ivy (adding): Nothing can grow there for decades.

Robin!Dick: Yeah, the ecosystem is destroyed there.

Batman (yelling): Why are you ganging up on me?

Robin and Ivy: Because you know it's wrong!

Robin!Dick: You have told me you became Batman because the system is flawed and sometimes matters need to be taken into your own hands? How is she different?

Ivy: Okay... you're growing on me. Here, take a rose.

Ivy used her powers to hand the young hero a rose.

Robin (smiling and taking the rose): Aww, thank you.

Batman groaned then yanked Robin by the ear.

Batman: Excuse me, I have to talk to him in private!

Ivy: Aww, I'm starting to like the kid, go easy on him. He's smart, he knows what he's talking about.

Robin!Dick (being dragged out): Thank you, Ivy.

Ten minutes after the two argue, Batman comes to a compromise with his son and Ivy because he knows that Dick would absolutely not mind sabotaging factories or causing a fire with a supervillain to protect the planet. All he needs is a good reason.

Batman (driving them home in the batmobile): Could you not defend the actions of the bad guy in front of me next time?

Robin!Dick (eating McDonald's fries): Don't take me to one who has a point.

---------------------------------------

Batman searched for Robin after taking down Joker.

Batman: Robin? Where did he go?

Joker (laying on the ground as Batman presses his shoe on his back): One of my goons went after him.

Meanwhile Robin does flips, tricks and runs around the room while giggling as the goon chases after him.

Goon: Little boy, little boy stop running!

Robin ran, but when the goon tried to grab him, the young hero grabbed his hand and clamped down with his teeth making contact with the mans hand. The goon screamed in pain.

Batman: He's down the hall.

Joker: There's no... Guarantee he'll win.

Robin kicked the goon in the crotch and ran off.

Goon (weakly): Right in the kiwis.

Robin!Dick: Batman, I got the last one!

Batman: Good job, Robin.

Joker: I hate your child soldier.

Batman: Thank you, I raised him well.

---------------------------------------

Talia Al Ghul (to Batman): You-

Robin!Dick: You're out of his league.

Talia: What?

Robin!Dick: I'm just saying, it's obvious you have this stalker obsession with him, 'love' you like to call it, but Batman could do way better than you.

Batman chuckled covering his mouth.

Talia: Okay, I was telling him to stop his 'no-kill' rule and join the league, but also he wants me and some snot nosed brat won't have a say in any possible relationship!

Robin!Dick: Well, I'm 13 now and even I can see you shouldn't be together. Not even on a league level, but like come on, why would you get with a guy who doesn't want you or to be on your team? That's sad.

Talia (irate): You think I won't smack a teenager? I don't give a fuck!

Batman (disturbingly calm): Touch him and you'll wake up in the hospital.

Inspired by this post

Commissioner Gordon Meets the 3rd Robin

Jim Gordon had seen two Robin's at this point and figured out Batman's civilian identity at this point, so him arriving with a third Robin makes him finally tell Batman he knows he's also Bruce Wayne.

Commissioner Gordon waited on the roof for Batman, like he usually did, but this time he could sense something crazy was about to happen more than usual when dealing with a man who wore a leather bat suit.

Batman (hesitant): Commissioner... Gordon.

Gordon turned around and once he saw the new Robin (Tim Drake), he immediately closed his eyes and shook his head like a disappointed father.

Gordon (jaded): You gotta be kidding me.

Batman nodded in agreement.

Batman (ashamed): I'm aware how odd this looks. I can acknowledge the weirdness at this point. To be fair though... I made it clear I didn't want him to be my new Robin. Tell him, Robin.

Robin!Tim (looking at the bat signal): That's the bat signal... I'm next to it!

Batman groaned, covering his his eyes.

Gordon (tight smile): You sure are kid, you sure are... Batman, he looks the same age as the other kid. Nice to meet you, new Robin.

Robin!Tim: Sup Commissioner Gordon, I met your daughter she's pretty cool.

Gordon (accepting all of this): I raised her well, thanks. I like your suit.

Robin!Tim: Thanks, I added pants. It's form fitting, it works.

Batman (not sure how to word his defense): I'm aware that... I said I would not have another Robin but after needing his assistance I... adopted him. Sort of. Okay, this one came to me. I- I can tell by your expression that, that didn't help the situation.

Gordon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Robin!Tim (hands on his hips): I earned this roll, nothing weird about that.

Gordon: Fair point from the third child sidekick. Batman, at this point I'm not even shocked that you have a new Robin and I like his energy, but um... um... Do you have a specific preference for short, black-haired boys?

Batman glanced at Robin then shrugged because he couldn't think of a good response.

Robin!Tim (confused): Why did you phrase it like that?!

Gordon: I have dealt with this man having three robins at this point and yes it's been three because the first one had a different skin tone and was adorable, the second one was funny, but cussed me out at random and you are very pale, but all of them have had black hair... what is going on?!

Batman (exhausted with life): Honestly, it's a very weird coincidence, but a coincidence nonetheless. That is the least of the questions you need to ask me at this point.

Gordon (sighing): Fair enough, what's his story?

Robin!Tim: I stay with Batman so he doesn't kill himself or murder so many criminals .

Batman (exhausted): Hn, thank you, Robin... that was what you should tell a police chief.

Gordon: Nah, that's the best answer he could have given me in this situation. Can I talk to you in private real quick, Batman?

Batman: Sure. I'm kind of accepting of this part of my hero life. Robin, um, stand here and don't eavesdrop on our conversation.

Robin!Tim: I don't like standing still for long periods of time... I'm just going to spin around my bo staff while you talk to Commissioner Gordon.

Batman: That works for me.

Batman walked off with Gordon to a corner of the roof, a good distance from Robin. Robin eagerly tossed his bo staff in the air and caught if effortlessly.

Batman: Honestly people call me odd for wearing a bat suit but that is the thing that makes the most sense to me in my life. Plus I look awesome so you can't even critique the suit. You know?

Gordon groans, covering his face and trying to wonder how he should start his next statement.

Batman: I already know you're going to ask me some type of evasive question... go ahead ask it.

Gordon clasped his hands together and takes a deep breath.

Gordon (deadpan): I've known you for a fairly long time and I'm going to cut to the chase... when were you going to ever tell me that you're Bruce Wayne?

Batman (shocked): What? No ... No I'm not.

Gordon: Bruce, don't play dumb, I figured out you are the same person a while ago, but since you haven't 'trusted' me enough to tell and that is the third Robin, I felt it was necessary to remove this weird barrier you have. I'm not going to arrest you or anything, your secret is safe with me. I want an honest answer though, I promise nothing you say here will leave this roof.

Batman buried his head in his hands and let out a defeated groan. He didn't want to admit it, but at this point in his life he simply couldn't keep it secret.

Gordon: That confirmed it. I became suspicious after Barbara got shot. Jason Todd, your adopted son, turning out to be the Robin definitely verified it. Then CPS visited your place to investiage you about child abuse... that was fasinating because you looked panicked that day.

Batman (embarrassed): I can't believe this happening, right now.

Gordon: Hold on, I'm not done yet. The rest of Gotham bought the story that your adopted son somehow became Robin with a random guy who is Batman and you weren't Batman because "Why would someone like Bruce Wayne be Batman?" Freaking Gotham news, you're lucky that they're so believable.

Batman (serious): You're not going to tell anyone are you? I'm going through a lot at the moment.

Gordon patted Batman on the shoulder reassuringly.

Gordon: As I said, your secret will remain that. We've been through these couple of crazy years together, you were there for Barbara when she got shot, and I wasn't too hot about the fact that it was the Joker, but I got over it. You've never given me a reason to arrest you and I've learned to see as a friend. And much like when my daughter told me she's batgirl... I'm fine with it.

Batman remained silent, surprised that the police chief who he had known for over two decades was keeping his civilian identity secret.

Gordon (sincerely): You're my friend, don't worry about it.

Batman: Oh... you see us as friends too? I'm... You said that before, but huh, not really used to this, am I?

Gordon: I go through the same struggles. Do you want to go over the case with him in front of us or I don't know how to handle this, this is like your third Robin.

Gordon laughs as Batman groans embarrassed.

Batman: Yeah this kid is pretty smart so he can be listening in and circle back, Barbara told you she was Batgirl?!

Gordon: Oh yeah, but I figured it out a two years before she had told me. You guys got to remember, I'm a detective.

Batman: This might sound rude, but I did not think you were that good at your job, the police here are very corrupt.

Gordon (nods in agreement): Fair enough, let's head back to the kid and get this case started.

Gordon walked back over to Robin along with Batman. Batman looks dejected but Gordon pats him on the back to give him some type of sympathy.

First

Second

Gordon Meets the 2nd Robin

Commissioner Gordon: Batman and Rob- That is not the same kid.

Batman looked at his Robin (12 year old Jason Todd) as the kid stared at the bat signal.

Robin (amazed): That's the bat-signal... that's wild.

Batman (lying): You have no proof of that.

Gordon: The last Robin you had was nowhere near this short. That guy was at least 17 or 18 when I last saw him. He is close to filing taxes this one looks like he's just starting Middle School.

Robin (shrugging): He's not wrong.

Batman (slightly nervous): Um... Hold on I have a reason for this.

Robin (jokingly): Magic.

Robin chuckled at his joke as Batman shook his head with a smile.

Robin (with a different pitch in voice): I'm Robin, that's all you need to know.

Gordon: They don't even sound the same. They have different builds. You "adopted" another child?

Batman (offended): It's not weird, don't put quotes around adopted!

Gordon (concerned): It's weird.

Robin (indignant): Why does this bother you so much?

Gordon: What?

Robin (standing his ground): I'm Batman's vigilante, I am his voluntary vigilante, his sidekick. He took me in and cares for me. That's all you have to be informed about. I agreed to wear this suit that has to mean something. He's not a diddler if that's what you were wondering. I'm not crying, I'm standing next to this man in the cold, the Gotham cold, ready to fight crime. I'm built for this! If I had an issue I'd kick him in the balls and run. If this bothers you so freaking much ask the kid. Hi, I'm the kid. It's fine.

Batman (impressed): ...There you have it.

Gordon (taken back): Damn, geez sorry... Sorry.

Robin: It's cool, it's cool, I'm just warning you. You should know this by now. He works with people, said sidekick is a highly skilled and trained kid. If you see him standing with someone in a robin suit, do not be thrown off by that fact. People be like "Golly g willikers he has a kid sidekick". Yeah get over it!

Gordon (raising his hands to calm the child down): Okay, okay.

Robin: Thank you, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk around the roof and look at stuff while my partner talk to you.

Batman: Okay, stay on the roof.

Robin: Yes, sir.

Robin walked around the roof while looking off the ledge and being goofy.

Batman (appreciating his new son): Neat, right?

Gordon (annoyed): Yeah... neat was not the word I was thinking of.

First Robin Third Robin

Gordon meeting the 1st Robin

Batman: Commissioner Gordon, I'm here.

Gordon: Finally—

Gordon noticed the young black-haired boy next to Batman, dressed in a bright and colorful hero suit.

Gordon (pointing at the kid): Who's that?

Batman: The child next to me?

Gordon: No, the Bat-Signal. Yes, I mean the kid!

Batman looked down at his Robin, who is mesmerized by the bright lights of the Bat-Signal. Batman turned his to face Gordon.

Robin (waving): Hi!

Gordon (slightly concerned): Hey, little kid. Oh, you're so cute. I'm just going to talk to your guardian for a second.

Gordon looked directly into Batman's eyes with a judgmental stare.

Batman (unaware how odd this looks): What? Is it the costume I gave him because that was his idea.

Gordon: Oddly enough, that's not my issue; he looks adorable in it.

Robin smiled while swaying back and forth.

Robin: Awww, thank you!

Gordon (frowning): Batman, I can forgive you for many things. The numerous parking tickets that you haven't paid for your Batmobile, the fact that I had to install a giant Bat-Signal on the building and you have not paid me the rest of the money for that yet, and even the time that you hit a fire hydrant and left a note saying ‘sorry'.

Batman (interrupting): I am sorry about that, by the way.

Gordon: Doesn't fix the fact that you haven't paid me for that either! Not the point, why is there a precious child next to you?

Batman: Well... I have a sidekick now.

Gordon: You have a seven-year-old!

Robin (offended): Hey, I am 8!

Robin held up both hands with four fingers on each of them.

Batman: He's 8 and an orphan. Not as weird.

Gordon took a deep breath, trying to accept that this is reality.

Gordon: I should not have to explain to you how that is not better! That's infinitely weirder, not going to lie.

Batman (hiding his embarrassment over his bad wording): I am now becoming aware of how this looks, but he is legally adopted by me. That is all you need to know.

Gordon (taking a deep breath): I have so many follow-up questions, and as a cop, I need you to answer a few of them. I won't be mad if they don't lead me to arresting you because I do kind of like you.

Batman (taken back): Oh... Thanks. Do I have to tell you, though?

Gordon (sternly): Yes.

Batman (relenting): I didn't kidnap him. I legally adopted him after his parents died, through no fault of my own—I realize how weird that sounds, but it's true. I took the kid in, and he's my... son—ch—wa-sidekick! Yes. It's not weird! It's not. He just needed a home. He's a good fighter too. Right, Robin?

Robin (confidently): I can do flips and tricks!

Batman: Yes, he can do flips and tricks. I like him so far; he’s... he’s neat.

Batman patted Robin on the head. Robin smiled giggling.

Gordon (smiling softly): Aww... Dang it, that is cute. Just don't get him hurt, okay?

Batman (sheepishly): Mm hm... Definitely did not have to deal with him getting eaten by a Venus flytrap. Twice. Yeah, we dealt with Poison Ivy earlier this week.

Gordon removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes in frustration.

Gordon: Right... He's walking across the edge of the building, by the way.

Batman (not turning around): Yep, he has a lot of energy.

Robin: This is awesome!

Batman spotted the child flipping on the ledge effortlessly. The new father groaned.

Batman (monotone): I'll go get him.

Batman reached out to grab Robin, but the lively young boy leaped off the ledge and darted away, laughter trailing behind him. Gordon observed the scene in confusion as the normally reserved Batman sprinted after his mischievous youthful partner.

Gordon (wistful): My kid is hyper like that... I hope she got her milk tonight.

Gordon wiped an imaginary tear from his eye.

Batman (trying to grab his son): Robin, stop running!

Robin: No!

Batman: Dang it, child! Stop!

Robin: No! I want to play!

Batman: The night of patrolling isn't over yet.

Robin: I'm hungry!

Batman: I got you McDonald's earlier!

Robin (demanding): I want more McDonald's!

Gordon (chuckling): You get used to it. Tell him you'll punish him if he doesn't listen.

Batman stopped running, realizing that this could work.

Batman (sternly): Robin, if you don't stop running, I will make sure you have no cookies for dessert at dinner tomorrow!

Robin stopped running, huffed, and went back to Batman's side. The little hero crossed his arms, pouting.

Batman: Thank you, kiddo.

Batman patted the boy on the head again. Robin giggled and hugged the man's waist, surprising the adult hero.

Gordon (smiling): Okay... I'm not too worried about this anymore.

Second Robin

Third Robin

....I did not realize I reblogged so much today... damn ADHD is wild

I know it's not really canon bc Alfred is seemingly ageless, but I like the idea that he was like 30-ish when Bruce was orphaned. Like Martha Wayne was like 20 when she had Bruce and 28 when she died with Thomas being 23 at Bruce's birth and 31 at the time of the shooting, while the butler they hired was around their age too (Alfred x Martha x Thomas rights), but Bruce never realized bc Alfred goes gray early and is, again, ageless. So, he is like panicking at 21 having acquired a nine year old and he's like 34 when Damian comes in his life and by the time the batfam has settled he's nearly forty and he asks Alfred how the fuck he kept up with him before he calmed down a bit as a teen bc he had a purpose and then fucked off to go train and Alfred just goes "I was ten years younger than you're now, sir, I also don't know how you do it. Have you looked into the Batman retirement plans more?" and it's only then that Bruce learns Alfred also had not fucking clue what he was doing and was pretty young (though way more reasonable than Bruce with Dick's adoption) to have a whole ass child as a responsiblity. Just the idea that they're closer in age tickles me

Understandable, Alfred is a bad ass and terrifying, we respect Alfred Pennyworth

Imagine: Bruce gets the ability to see people's kill counts

He's not surprised to see that Damian's and Jason's are pretty high.

He's not surprised to see that Dick's is pretty low, for a vigilante.

He's shocked to see that Tim's is way higher than he'd thought (he would be asking about that later...).

He faints when he sees Alfred's.

Batman has a very specific code that's on everyone's communicator that he warns the JL to 'Never tap into it unless I'm indisposed and the world is 2 seconds away from ending'

Fast forward a few years and batman is knocked out cold and the world is 2 seconds away from ending when one JL member rmbers batman's 'very important do not tap unless absolutely necessary' button

So obviously the JL taps it expecting some god or smth and who else picks up but a woman who's simultaneously yelling commands,tapping aggressively at what they assume to be a keyboard and calmly telling them that she's Oracle,that she's already linked every person on the battlefield's comms to the 'batfamily comms'(direct wording) and that she's sending reinforcements as they speak

Then,while the JL is still in shock,Red Hood the fucking drug lord lands beside them and starts shooting up enemies,Nightwing is futher back backflipping,Red Robin is doing his shit

A mysterious black cowled girl pops up beside them and starts gently telling(ordering) them to specific parts of the battlefield(Hal gets so spooked he screams),a fully purple girl is beating enemies up next to them,a guy in neon yellow is punting enemies to the ground.

And some random ass 10 y/o is screaming bloody murder as he incapcitates enemies thrice his size

Edit: in case people don't see my reblog about it,i've been seeing a bunch of reblogs/comments about seeing this post on tiktok,tiktok is banned where I'm at so it's definitely not me,so do me a favor and report them thank you ( ദ്ദി ˙ᗜ˙ )

(also you can use this post as a prompt,but please credit me thanks ᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟ)

Gdjrheuwhdj

I think more people need to play around with Damian's speech. Don't get me wrong, I love the antiquated Victorian child style of speech, but also he's a teenager that swears plenty in the comics. We really need more scenes like:

Damian: Father, I regret to inform you that I have been assigned in-school suspension for the next three days.

Bruce: What, why?!

Damian: My classmate Kevin was disparaging a female classmate for turning him down, so I called him 'a rizz-less, basic-ass neckbeard bitch' and said I was going to fuck his mom and give her a son she'd actually love.

Bruce: *is completely speechless*

Damian: That is all I needed to tell you. If you will excuse me, I have homework to complete before dinner and patrol.

Jason: "Dick, there you are, I--"

Dick, holding up his finger to his lip: "Shh."

Jason, raising a brow: "What's going on?" Dick, gesturing into the living room from the doorway: "I gave Dami some of my old toys a few days ago, and look, he's playing with them." Jason, holding back laughter at the sight of Damian moving a stuffed elephant and toy soldiers around the floor: "I didn't know he had it in him." Dick, whirling on Jason, his anger palpable: "No. Don't you dare. This is the first time I've seen him doing anything remotely close to what he should be doing at his age so don't you dare make fun of him for it." Jason, holding his hands up: "Jesus. I wasn't gonna... Okay, maybe I was, but whatever, I got it, no teasing baby bat for playing with toys."

Dick, nodding: "Good. Now come on, we should leave before he notices us and stops."

Jason: "You got it Dickie bird."

Damian would feel so betrayed

Damian: Todd prepare. I’m going to kill you!

Jason: you can try but it probably won’t stick!

Bruce: what is this about?

Jason: I sent baby pictures of knife child to the robins group chat.

Damian: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE TODD?!?

Jason: If I wanted something I would bribe Talia with them.

Damian: what? LIES! NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WOULD STOOP TO SUCH A LEVEL RIGHT FATHER?

Bruce: …

Damian: father?

Bruce:… how much?

Damian: FATHER?!?

Bruce: name your price!

Damian: NO!

Jason would def do this just to be petty

jason comes back to gotham as red hood and the batfam have no idea who he is or that he has anything to do with the league of assasins until during a wayne gala theres a hostage situation and before bruce or anyone can figure out a way to go suit up a crime lord appears and saves everybody only to have a publically friendly catch up session with.... damian wayne.

damian covers to the press afterwards that its because of red hoods 'i dont hurt kids' rule and that he'd met the guy a few times in crime alley before he was dumped on bruce's doorstep. gotham's citizens are slightly concerned but honestly? the scary stabby child that's been glaring at them from the corners of parties since he got here with absolutely no backstory or history in gotham turning out to have a past with crime alleys most infamous protector/crime boss? it's a little comforting.

it's less comforting to the bats.

damian, getting out the car after the gala: I don't know what hood was thinking, making me his public ally. he's lucky the simpletons of this city bought that, don't you agree father?

damian: *turns to see the rest of the family staring at him with hard eyes*

damian:

damian: ...what did i do?

everybody's less than pleased that damian withheld the info that red hood is trained and from the LOA, but damian simply maintains that they never asked. when further questioned about why his relationship with hood was so familial and about what his identity is... they get

damian: hood was perhaps my favourite tutor back home, the only one i didn't kill. he taught me many things, from how to poison somebody to famous quotes and sayings from classic literature.

bruce: what. is. his. name.

damian: you know what one of those sayings was? 'snitches get stitches'

dick: *slams his face into the wall*

tim: well you did want him to be more childlike.

they eventually have to move past it because damian won't budge, unfortunately jason is finding this whole scenario fucking hysterical because holy shit he'd thought about coming back and pissing off his family through their secret personas but he hadn't even considered the beauty of coming back and pissing them off through their public personas.

and from then on the entire batfamily has to deal with pretending to be nervous or wary every time the red hood comes and crashes their very real wayne public events. it's fucking incredible. jason can't believe that he was gonna try and beat the shit out of tim to freak out bruce when all he had to do was grab a glass of champagne, walk up to the dude, and ask politely how stocks at WE are doing. 'brucie wayne' has no fucking clue what to do, and jason just poured the champagne against his helmet and let it all fall to the ground and everybody's too scared to say anything.

nobody else bats an eye when red hood becomes an occasional presence at these fancy events, apart from the people who know for a fact they could be on his shitlist. mostly because this is gotham, but also because they know he's a crime lord so like... riches and business running wise he kinda fits the bill for these things anyway? and if the stoic kid of brucie wayne eases up around him then the whole 'i dont hurt kids' thing must ring true so it's not like he'll cause too much trouble. also the guards are too scared to tell him he's not allowed in, so there's that.

the bats hate everything about this. they don't even know what red hoods game is, they have no idea why they're being tortured and they're getting paranoid about it. damian's absolutely no help because he's just happy to 1. get to see his brother on a regular basis again, and 2. get to see his brother find a less self-destructive outlet for the pit rage he's watched jason struggle with for years.

it's also just really fun to watch tim accidentally fall asleep against a wall mid-gala, wake up to red hood's helmet 2 inches from his face, and then almost break his own hand trying to punch it because he forgot that he wasn't in-mask and had to hold back last second.

dick is mostly just indignant because every time red hood shows up and hangs around near damian, damian immediately becomes a picture perfect public persona, interacting with the elites of gotham with the same expertise of tim or bruce. he's so mad that a crime lord can wrangle HIS little brother in public but he can't, that he completely disregards the whole crime lord thing and starts bugging red hood both in and out of mask about how to be a better older brother to damian. at one point he corners red hood on a rooftop mid patrol.

nightwing: ok, seriously, when I asked damian not to be rude to the new investors he told a woman her coat looked like it would hold up in a fight against two-face, but when YOU ask he becomes a model citizen, what is UP with that?

red hood, being an asshole: *gasp* y-you're.... YOU'RE RICHARD GRAYSON?

nightwing:

nightwing: ....oh my god you didn't know?

red hood: no i fucking knew you're just an idiot. and damian listens to me because I'm the only tutor he could never kill and he knows i'll beat his ass with my magic swords.

nightwing:

red hood: and also im the only one at the league who played Just Dance with him so i get special privileges, like telling him what to do.

dick asks damian to play Just Dance with him that night and damian just looks at him all forlorn, like 'it wouldn't be the same without the exhilarating thrill of knowing if anybody catches us hood will be stabbed and thrown in the lazarus pit again as punishment for corrupting me... it was really an unfair punishment considering he replaced grandfather's bed with a plastic pool covered by a sheet once, and the only punishment he got for that was being banned from the family dinners for two weeks'

dick stares at him. damian just adds 'he used to sit outside the window like a dog. watching and occasionally yelling about the injustice. mother gave him a plate of roast potatoes through the window once. grandfather disapproved.'

nobody knows quite what to do about red hood becoming a gotham elite, but they are becoming more concerned about damian's family's dynamic every goddamn day.

Joker would 100% do it for the vine

if jason todd were to start going round with a petition to make batman kill the joker i think he would have all of gotham on board within three days, and i also believe theres a 99% chance the joker would sign this petition himself, just to see how batman responds

jason: technically this isn't murder it's assisted suicide

bruce: what the fuck is happening right now why are you two together

jason: morbid curiosity

joker: just wanted to see what you'd do

Damian: If an adult needs help, do I help them? Dick: It depends. Damian: On? Tim: For starters, are you in your Robin costume? Damian: No. Jason: Then why the fuck would an adult ask for an eleven year old's help? Damian: I'm relieved I followed my gut. Dick: What did the adult want? Damian: To assist him in putting items in his vehicle. Tim: Was the vehicle a van? Damian: Yes. A white one. Jason: ... Jason: [taking out his gun] I'll be back. I have child kidnapper to kill.

Ngl I lost count of how many of these I've reblogged today... eh it's fine

Bruce: Congratulations, Jason! You’re the first of my kids to graduate college!

Dick: Yeah, first and only one for all eternity!

Bruce: *Ignoring Dick by sheer willpower* Anyway, what are you planning to do next?

Jason: I think I’m going to continue my education in English Lit.

Bruce: *nervously* Great. You’ll get a Master’s Degree, right?

Jason: …

Bruce: …right?

Jason: Actually, I’m going for a PhD.

Bruce: This is a terrible joke. You’re over the supervillainy, right, Jay?

Jason: Look, my application to GothamU’s PhD program was accepted!

Bruce: No child! Of mine! Will get! A PhD!!!

Jason: I’m hoping to be a literature professor at GothamU, if I survive long enough.

Bruce: *screams incoherently*

Dick: I think you broke him.

Bruce, to his Robins: You are my emotional support children.

Dick: Imma commit murder! Chandeliers are my new trapeze! Dating an alien princess sounds like a great idea!

Jason: An abandoned apartment in Crime Alley is a perfectly fine place to live! *dies* Why won’t you kill the Joker, huh? Huh?!?

Tim: Me and my friends are gonna go cause several international incidents. See ya!

Steph: So, like, what if I started a gang war?

Damian: Drake insulted Batcow’s honor! He will perish by my blade! Murder is acceptable! Can we adopt chickens?

Duke: Wdym jumping off bridges isn’t a reasonable tactic? Quit being such a buzzkill!

Bruce, sighing: …and you are also the reason I need emotional support children in the first place.

Jason: Hey, Alfie! Which of us was the least crazy as a kid?

Bruce: Let’s face it. None of us were easy children. I dropped out of college and then dropped off the grid. Dick was a menace—

Jason: Nah, Dick’s the Golden Boy.

Bruce: He wanted to single-handedly hunt down a powerful criminal and thought the entire manor was a trapeze.

Dick: Well, Jason was like the perfect kid.

Bruce: He ran away, died, and started murdering people.

Jason: Fair. But the Replacement’s your perfect little soldier, isn’t he?

Bruce: He stalked me, he says incredibly concerning things with no idea how concerning he sounds, he started YOUNG JUSTICE, I—

Damian: Batgirl III is boring. Surely she was easy to deal with?

Bruce: Are you kidding me? She got pregnant and started a gang war!

Steph: Guilty as charged. But Duke’s the normal one, so—

Bruce: You started a gang war? Duke started a gang!

Damian: I’m the perfect heir.

Bruce: You’re an assassin who is currently attempting to turn my house into a zoo. And you keep trying to murder Tim.

Jason: Eh, we’ve all been there. Except Cass. Cass hasn’t tried to murder anyone.

Bruce: Cass tried to fight Lady Shiva to the death, despite refusing to kill. Cass is not well-adjusted either.

Cass: Barbara is good.

Bruce: No, she keeps hacking the Batcomputer. And she’s dating my son. Honestly I have no idea how I’m still sane.

Alfred: I’m afraid your sanity is very much in question, Master Bruce.

You know the dread you feel when you see the villain/monster of a horror movie just standing out in the open? Waiting for the protagonist/main character to see them?

Sometimes Bruce does that as Batman — waits directly underneath a streetlight, or in the center of a day-lit alley. Waiting for their eyes to slip past him, only to dart back to his chest, shoulders, and head in sudden, trembling terror.

Because it’s not about hiding. It’s about being seen. About intentions being unmistakable, until the criminals find themselves wishing for the uncertainty of shadows again. Darkness, instead of the dead-eyed, blunt obviousness of daylight.

things that make Gotham criminals say “oh shit”:

Batman showing up to the hideout and not asking any questions

Nightwing cracking his escrima sticks together with 0 witty banter or foreplay

Red Hood when his hands are shaking

Injured Robin and Batman known to be in near proximity 

Any sightings of Batman on Robin II’s death anniversary

Superman in Gotham without an escort

Batman speeding through the Narrows on a motorcycle and not the Batmobile

Red Hood abandoning his guns and throwing punches instead

Robin fighting with a sword and 0 supervision

Jim Gordon trying to quit cigarettes for the 19th time on the night shift

Any captured Batkid too injured/tired/frightened to taunt the responsible criminals

Batman bleeding and/or missing any major parts of his armor

Any Bat vigilante other than Duke outside during daylight hours

Bruce unintentionally dissing the league while praising his kids is so funny to me

Bruce: we need an expert marksman for this job

Oliver: *getting ready to stand up to fully accept Bruce’s praise*

Bruce: Redhood will be here shortly. We also need someone quick on their feet. Luckily Cass is working on a case nearby so we can ask her

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

Jim Gordon keeping a family tree of the bats with updated names and costumes cuz those guys switch up every couple months and never tell him so whenever someone has a costume change or gets more emo durring their teenage rebellion he's all like "that's great kiddo, but which one are you" like a grandparent with too many damn kids

Robin!Dick: I truly believe water can solve all our problems.

Bruce: You think so, chum?

Dick: Mhm. Wanna lose weight? Drink water. Wanna have clear skin? Drink water. Tired of someone?

Dick pauses for dramatic effect.

Bruce, scrunching his brows in moderate confusion: How does drinking—

Dick with the most innocent smile on his face: Drown them

*looking at a picture of robin!dick on top of batman crying at a joker who didnt even doing anything yet*

Jason: BAHAHAHA

Dick: WHAT?!?! I was afraid of clowns! Sue me!

Tim: .....you LIVED at the CIRCUS!