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Latest Posts by terrible-ideas-and-a-cat-blog

I have two brain cells and I only use them to find ways in which classic literature is gay.

4 green witch’s little cat rituals

to bless a cat

♥  catnip (cat magic, love, happiness)

♥  a cat treat

♥  a few flower petals (make sure it is a cat-safe flower just in case!)

find your chosen cat. offer the catnip and/or treat; as they are eating, give them some chin rubs and pets. as you do so, visualize golden energy passing from your fingertips and coating the cat’s fur.

a quick little chant will do: “may this creature be safe from harm, never lonely, never hungry, and always loved.”

sprinkle the flower petals where the cat was resting.

to form a deeper connection with a cat

♥  a piece of licorice root (love and connection)

sit in a comfortable spot in or outdoors with the cat, preferably relaxing. spend as long as you like giving gentle affection to the cat; meditate on the feeling of its fur, the vibrations of its purr, the way its ears twitch. let the cat smell your hand until it is comfortable with the scent. 

take the licorice root in your hand, inhale its scent, then offer it for the cat to smell. cats typically like the smell and taste of licorice root, and medicinally it can help strengthen their immune systems and digestive tracts. magickally, sharing the scent of the licorice can connect you and the cat more deeply.

a charm to draw cats to you

♥  a pinch of dried catnip, valerian, and rue

♥  a piece of brown cloth and brown thread (animal magick)

make a charm out of these three herbs and carry it with you to inspire magickal attraction to you from cats nearby.

a beauty charm/spell to capture feline elegance

♥  a square of pink fabric and pink ribbon

♥  a teaspoon or so of catnip

assemble the catnip in the fabric, gather the corners, and tie the pink ribbon to secure it as tightly as you can (or use another method, like sewing, to fasten it). hold the charm close and inhale its mild herbal scent; whisper, “may i possess a cat’s beautiful energy

Reblog if you are 100% okay with a transgender person correcting you if you accidentally misgender them or use their dead name.

when people ask where you see yourself in 10 years

I’m at that point where I want to run into the woods and disappear and then come back several years later covered in moss, growing antlers, and speaking a language no one else understands

On the outside I was calm, on the inside I had detailed plans of how I was going to kill you and where to hide your body

remember being an eleven year old girl and being filled with rage? everything i did was from a place in my head where tiny daydream me was smashing plates.

The Beast of Bodmin Moor, also known as the Beast of Bodmin (Cornish: Best Goon Brenn) is a phantom wild cat purported to live in Cornwall, England. Bodmin Moor became a centre of purported sightings after 1978, with occasional reports of mutilated slain livestock; the alleged panther-like cats of the same region came to be popularly known as the Beast of Bodmin Moor. In general, scientists reject such claims because of the improbably large numbers necessary to maintain a breeding population and because climate and food supply issues would make such purported creatures' survival in reported habitats unlikely. (Wikipedia sourced).

[singular] y’all

[plural] all y’all

Being asexual like “10/10, but still would not bang.”

Where do i apply

-core pitch:

Hoziercore:

Trees older than our grandparents

Melted pillar candles

Death and decay

Bruised knuckles and scratches

Unclean firepits

Hoodoo/witchcraft

WOMEN

Old, framed photos

Untouched forests

Antique shops and thrift stores

Incense filled rooms

Dead plants and shrivled, brown leaves

Pressed flowers

Unsexualized nudity

Strange but thoughtful gifts

Pyromania

Crumpled up drawings/poetry

REBELLION

Old fashioned clothes

Graveyards

Unkempt hair

LBGTQIA+

moss

Just a thought...Feel free to add!

It currently winter but it’s 82 degrees outside and I want a refund

Your Simple Fantasy Name

Your first initial and the last two letters of your last name.

Tag yourself, I’m Ley.

i miss the era where rapist and pedophile men were rounded up and slaughtered at a festival in honor of the goddess artemis, protector of girls

Reblog if this is true for your blog

Just found this and can't get over it. Grimalkin a female domestic cat.

SILENT NIGHT

you are a mouse.

and right now, you’re scuttling around the forest floor going about your mousey business. you have many adorable mouse children to feed, after all.

distantly, you hear a faint shriek like the sound of failing anti-lock breaks.

you pause for a moment, then resume your foraging. it was probably nothing! you are a mouse and lack creative prediction abilities. you are just thinking that maybe later you’ll engage in some traditional mouse activities and pee in a sleeping bag or two, when 

BAM

suddenly, you are now a mousey corpse being borne skyward at upwards of thirty miles per hour. you would probably marvel at this, if you weren’t just a mouse and now also dead. your sad little corpse will be swallowed whole and your children will be eaten by, I dunno, frogs or something. nature is a real bitch sometimes.

congrats, you’ve just made the brutal acquaintance of the Grim Reaper of the rodent world:

HOLY NIGHT, YIKES.

but enough dramatic bullshit! you aren’t a mouse anymore, you’re a person reading a very informative and interesting article about Barn Owls which was written by a very handsome and modest genius. ahem. anyway. compared to some of the birds I’ve featured in Weird Biology before, Barn Owls may seem pretty normal! at least on the surface. (spoiler alert: Barn Owls Are Not Normal. at all.)

Barn Owls are mediumish owls that look kind of like a toasty loaf of bread, if that loaf had a pair of pitch-black nightmare eyeballs revealing a door into eternal darkness. (IF YOU LOOK INTO A BARN OWL’S EYES, THE ABYSS DOES INDEED GAZE BACK.) they reach a little over a foot long, with a three-foot wingspan. and like all owls, Barn Owls are stupidly light, tipping the scales at a whole pound and a half at the absolute most. this might not seem that big, but if that pound and a half is strafing towards you at 60+ mph talons first, it puts a whole new perspective on the situation.

so where do Barn Owls live, anyway? well. a better question to ask would be, “where do Barn Owls NOT live, Jesus Christ.”

Antarctica. the answer is Antarctica.

Barn Owls are what we call a “cosmopolitan species”, meaning they live fucking everywhere. they can be found in farmlands, woodlands, and grasslands across EVERY MAJOR CONTINENT and MOST LARGE ISLANDS worldwide! (except Antarctica, for obvious reasons.) this, if you couldn’t tell, is completely fucking ridiculous. especially for a species of owl, which tend to be mediocre fliers and grouchy homebodies.

in fact, Barn Owls have the widest distribution of any non-seabird avian in the entire world! these stubby birds of prey may look like toasted mashmallows, but they’re tenacious fliers and extremely adaptable predators who can be active day or night and will eat anything up to and including a slice of cheese pizza. these fluffy bastards even turn up regularly in New Zealand, and god only knows how they even got over there. (there’s now a stable breeding population there, to the regret of the rats.)

maybe they just called an Uber.

but aside from their adaptable tenacity, Barn Owls are pretty standard as owls go. by which I mean they’re a shambling heap of bizarro traits barely even recognizable as a bird! where should we start? 

EYEBALLS. let’s start with eyeballs.

like all owls, Barn Owls have eyeballs that are modified for UNIMAGINABLE low-light vision. they don’t see color very well, but that’s a hell of a trade of for having basically a set of night-vision goggles for eyeballs! and to cap it all off, these lucky bastards see just fine in daylight, too.

but this amazing vision comes with a price.

it’s a really weird price, too. not like the standard “first-born child” bullshit or anything.

having excellent night and day vision is fairly rare in nature, and Barn Owls had to pull some biological strings to get it- their eyeballs are more of a modified tube than the traditional Orb. yes, that’s insane. and also yes, this means the Barn Owl can’t actually move its eyes to look around like you and I can. so what do they do instead? 

why, they’ve developed loose tendons and ligaments in their neck that allow them nearly 270 degrees of rotation, that’s what they did! a perfectly logical and sane response that give NO ONE the screaming meemies OR the heebie jeebies! for sure!

…yeah okay, that’s actually pretty adorable.

but these two biological hat tricks pale in comparison to the Barn Owls’ true source of strength, the reason for their hunting prowess! which is… the ability to hear real good. REAL GOOD. Barn Owls have hearing keen enough to pick up a mouse fart in a windstorm, but they can also peg the GPS location of that poor embarrassed mouse down to within a couple inches! impressive, right? this is because their ears are sideways.

kind of, anyway. Barn Owl ears are two holes under the feathers at the edge of their attractive facial disc, and one of them is a few centimeters higher than the other. like maybe god stuck a pencil into one of them and just yanked it off kilter, or something. but there’s a method to this madness- having off-centered ears gives the Barn Owl a true reckoning of where a sound is happening in 3d space by tracking which ear receives a sound first. they’re basically a biological sonar receiver.

but I’ve saved the last for least! let’s get into the ability that really puts the cherry on this creeptacular Barn Owl cake. 

all is calm! all is bright!

Barn Owls are utterly and completely silent fliers. (when they aren’t making noises like a demon caught in a paper shredder, anyway.) one could flap three inches in front of your face in a dark room and you would never know. this is because every feather on their wings and body is edged in soft fringes that absorb sound, basically turning Barn Owls into flying private screenings of The Quiet Place.

and this absolute silence gives them a MASSIVE edge in hunting! Barn Owls hunt by flying just above the ground at absolutely insane speeds and just kind of picking up whatever smaller creature tickles their dinnertime fancies. usually this dinner is small rodents and rabbits, but Barn Owls can and will eat anything they can get the drop on up to and including SLEEPING HAWKS. smaller owl dinners like mice get swallowed whole (aaaaaaa), and their bones and fur are regurgitated later (AAAAAAAAA).

a normal bird!

so with everything they have going for them, how are Barn Owls doing on the global stage in these difficult times? pretty fucking great, actually! Barn Owls are decreasing in some areas but increasing rapidly in others, and overall they’re ranked as Least Concern. this is likely because Barn Owls really don’t have a problem coexisting with humans!

Barn Owls love to hang out in human structures (like barns! wild, right? WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED.) and eat a lot of species that humans consider to be pests, like rats and mice. it’s a win-win for both owls and humans, and it definitely helps that Barn Owls are routinely misidentified as cryptids (*coughcoughmothmancough*) or the tortured souls of the damned! (it’s because they scream at night and kind of look like the accursed shades of the dead, doomed to forever walk the earth in torment.) here’s hoping that this silent avian predator sticks around for a long, long time to come.

SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE.

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series on my tumblr here, or check out the official archive at weirdbiology.com!

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee and support Weird Biology!

and if you’d like to see exclusive Weird Biology content, check out my Patreon today!

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IMAGE SOURCES

img1- Birds in Backyards img2- All About Birds img3- Birders Store img4- Mother Nature Network img5- Lisa L. Kee img6- Norfolk Wildlife Trust img7- Roy Rimmer img8- Steven Boyce

I used to have geese so here’s a tip for everyone:

If a goose is attacking you, don’t run. No matter what, stand your ground. They can fly but when they’re mad, they don’t usually try to fly. Hold your hands in front of you, ready to grasp. When the goose gets close, grab it by the neck bit closest to the head and squeeze. Not tight enough to choke the goose, but tight enough so they can’t break free. You can hold them until they calm down or just do the next step right away. The next step is literally just to chuck them as far as possible and run for your life. It makes the goose know you’re in charge and you have a better chance of getting away. Trust me I’ve done this so many times that I’ve lost count

gays be loving plants

Tag yourself ✨

meteor shower: postcard from old cities, dreams about new experiences and cities, often wonders about the meaning of love and life, always changing like a chameleon, loves everyone, very wise and gives good advice but feels lost in their own life sometimes, believes that home is not a place but a concept

supermoon: keeper of secrets, overhears strangers’ conversations a lot, loves soft animals, neon lights, old train tickets at the bottom of a bag, lying awake and wondering if someone misses them too, smoky night skies, fiery emotions, doesn’t tell anyone anything, aloof but softies when no one is around

belt of venus: loves the window seat of the plane, sunset is their favourite time of the day, tries their best, loves making people happy, can’t decide their favorite color, reads other people easily, bright eyes, really likes dancing and singing, is always doing crazy things because life is short

aurora borealis: spends most of the day in headphones, mind is always in the clouds, lover of arts, very sensitive, unravels philosophical ideas in casual conversations, gives warm hugs, knows a lot of interesting facts for some reason, understands you completely when you’re feeling really down

moon bows: picking flowers for yourself, dreams about a cozy domestic life in the countryside, loves baby cows, will send anonymous messages to make you smile and writes a lot on birthday letters, highly sentimental and keeps trinkets and sea shells, easily comforted by soft blankets and cookies

I'd like to inform you the guy who made the toad constellation has other(now considered obsolete) constellations including an Earthworm, Long Legged Spider, Eel, Tooth Shell, Gryphaea, Seahorse, Leech, Slug, Pangolin, Limpet, Mussel, Rhinoceros Beetle, Tortoise, and Star Gazer Fish

literally every one of these is better than any of the constellations we now consider official

type “i am” in the tags and whatever comes up first is your new mandatory kin

Pillows are also welcome

Same sis, same

I can’t tell whether this is good or bad but I’m down for it either way

may your soul be overgrown with moss. may your veins fill with rainwater and your lungs swell with flowers.

Today’s Plans

Go feral

Grow moss

Overthrow the government

Feed my frogs