Rant Below The Cut. Tw For Parental Abuse And Gaslighting.

Touches you with my traumagenic median fingers

I’m gonna be honest I have no idea when this showed up in my asks I continually forget to check that thing.

Anyways

Boops you back

As previously stated, I have no quarrels with those who believe something different than me as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. A lot of the endogenic community is great at hurting people so as a default I ask them to steer clear of my page to keep my followers feeling safe. But if you can chill, believe whatever the hell you want. That has nothing to do with me.

Yep. This. Literally this.

There are SO many things that I didn't realize I actually experienced because the descriptions of those symptoms sound like they're saying something else.

About 85-95% percent of our memories are in third person but I totally thought most people had that to a good extent until I talked to several people who not only thought it was super weird, but also didn't even know what I was saying because the very idea of it is so foreign.

This is why discussions of dissociation in CDD spaces REALLY should be only for 'traumagenic' systems. Whether you believe you can be a system without trauma, if you don't believe you have the trauma or the disorder caused by it, you shouldn't be in spaces for those trying to figure out how to manage disorder.

Also the mental health medical system sucks ass. We need more professionals who can actually bridge the gap between text book definitions and what it actually fucking looks like. We went to an evaluation and downplayed our symptoms so fucking much because we didn't think they fit the written descriptions (and growing up being gaslit into believing we're overreacting about everything). We got a very noncommittal place holder diagnosis from that appointment, that we waited six months and drove 2 hours for, probably because we told the doctor we didn't have amnesia because we had no fucking idea what emotional or grey out amnesia was, AND we didn't know that you can have black outs and not realize anything. is missing. We figured the lack of 'waking up' and not remembering how we got where we were, meant that we had zero amnesia. But holy shit is that wrong.

Anyways. All that to say, OP, you are not the only one who experiences this.

-Apollo (maybe?)

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.

Quick reminder to all the systems out there who might read this. Don’t suppress or force switches unless necessary for safety okay? Our host suppressed a switch all day and had a breakdown because of it. She got up overstimulated to the point where her own breathing was aggravating her and she kept holding her breath. It wasn’t pretty and sure wasn’t fun for her. The rest of us have been going in and out for a bit since someone else took control so that she could take a break.

I just wanted to remind anyone out there who might need to hear it, don’t suppress a switch because you think it’s not real. Denial is real and it’s a beast. But just because someone else told you that it’s not happening doesn’t change the reality. If you are experiencing these symptoms, whatever you label them as, suppressing them when it’s unnecessary can be incredibly harmful to your mental health and the health of the system. I don’t mean to say that you should never try to stay grounded, but you KNOW when you’re getting triggered and should step back. Don’t force yourself to stay in a bad and triggering environment because you think you should be able to handle it or because someone else said it’s not real. Would you stay in a loud are if you had a headache? No! So why not let someone better equipped handle the situation?

Just as a side note, if you are not in a safe environment where your system feels they cannot switch, I understand. Or if you just generally are trying to gain more control, that’s cool too, Im mainly trying to reach those deep in denial who are pushing their headmates out of the front because they don’t believe in their own validity.

Today was a bad day for our host and they were pushing aside a switch that should have happened much earlier in order to reduce the stress the host had to take on. And she ended up full on breakdown mode until someone else was finally able to come in. It’s been a few hours and she’s not back yet when typically she would be by now. I’m not sure when she’ll return but it shouldn’t be too long.

Till next time. -Izuku (emotional regulator)

Having to choose between being awake and feeling like crap or being tired at but not dizzy and lightheaded because caffeine and heart problems don’t mix.

Spoiler alert, I went ahead and drank the caffeine. Feel like crap but at least I’m not dozing off.

-Apollo

I hate that. Especially when their reason is “it’s rare” I always say:

The number of diagnoses should dictate the statistic. Not the statistic dictate the number of diagnoses.

I hate how psych professionals will not diagnose DID even if somebody meets the criteria because its abnormal psych condition, finding a mental health professional willing to diagnose DID is hard.

its unfair just because i have an abnormal psych condition that mental health professionals don't want to diagnose me

I am so emotionally confused. I have a crush on this guy. One problem with that.

It’s the host’s boyfriend.

I’m not a confrontational person, so I’m not totally sure what to do. Apollo already knows. But isn’t sure what to do or if to bring it up. I want to bring it up to the hosts best friend, but at the same time I’m not super close to them…. Soooooo….. yeah.

-Varian

“Be your true self”

Bitch my true self arrived in over 30 pieces and the directions are in a language I don’t recognize.

Okay but can we talk about how annoying it is to switch in to the body and the host put us in a super tight corset and none of us can breathe?

-A male alter in a afab body

That system feeling when you have a headache and don’t know if it’s cause you’re splitting, switching, or you forgot to take your meds.

-Apollo

The body is going through some really severe medication withdrawal due to a mixup with our psychiatrist resulting in us not having a refill of our medication. It’s messing with our circulation, our head, and our mood.

And oh my gosh my mood is so fucked up rn.

If I’m alone I burst into tears over the smallest shit. To the point where I was crying cause I wasn’t falling asleep as fast as I wanted or started yelling at my car cause the door wouldn’t stay open when I was parked on a slope. I have to stay around someone who can distract me so I’m not crying. Which sucks cause I’m at work. And cant just leave to go hang out with friends.

I’m so tired. Really need to figure out this medication situation.