Your personal Tumblr journey starts here
Dad announced we'd barbecue later 😬
Wish me luck please
"If you lose some weight you'll fit into that!"
-My 10 year old sister to me as we were looking for outfits to wear at a special event
Like... bitch. But you're right. And no, you weren't "just kidding". It's fine. It's fine. It's FUCKING FINE.
Just gonna do some red paintings on my legs later is all. It's fine.
Just tried that light green/paradise monster and it reminds of me those apple gummy bears I used to eat as a kid? Idk it's just kinda sweet and not my favourite but I think it's definitely drinkable
I mean it for sure makes me kinda nostalgic - I mean these gummy bears made me (among sooo many other things) a fatty little kid and then I got bullied and then there were Mom and Grandma's comments and you know how the story goes lol.
Yeah... the good ol' days
(The more I'm sipping in that monster rn though the more I like it so I guess 7/10???) lol no one asked for a monster review yet here I am
(Can you tell I'm fucking bored?)
I binged the FIFTH FUCKING DAY IN A ROW.
Holy shit. I feel so ashamed for even typing this and I don't know how or why I could let that happen. And I could've restricted so easily, too, yesterday and today because my parents were at work and I was home alone with my siblings, but NOOO I had to fucking...
I haven't even weighed myself but I'm sure it's going to be awful when I do, especially since I've been doing so well before (I've lost a lot of weight and haven't binged for a relatively long time). I've probably ruined all the progress of the past weeks.
I'm going to fucking change now. I don't think today can be saved honestly, even if I at least counted most of my calories and compared to the other days, it wasn't as bad, but I'm still going to get in my steps and then I'll be fucking DONE with binging. Thankfully, we'll soon visit my Grandma and on travel days I can fast usually, so I'm going to absolutely use that as sort of catalyst for finally locking in again, but of course I'm going to start RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
I can't go back to school after Easter break having gained like 5kg or something, not when we have so many swimming classes atm and all my friends were calling me skinny and complimenting my waist. I still have a week and a half to lock in and lose weight and I'm going to use it.
In the second week, only my sister and I will be home for a couple of days and maybe I'll even try to fast through all of them (depending on how much school work I'll have left to do then)
So yeah, sorry for rambling but I do feel slightly better now because of it
I just wanted to work out, but when I started the headache I was having all day just got so bad I almost cried holy shit how do I get rid of that?
I'm okay eating with my family, even if I prefer to be by myself. But I fucking hate eating around others, even with friends it's difficult. So I'm fucking enraged that my sister's stupid boyfriend - who I absolutely hate, anyway - keeps eating with us. I like neither my sister nor him and them makes it so difficult because they always have me sit next to either of them.
I fucking hate myself guys
It's the start of Easter break now and like any rational person I ditched all my plans and binged the first day and today as well
If I skip dinner and work out though I can probably do at least some kind of damage control (because I've eaten about 2000 calories now which is really fucking awful) and I can get my steps in as well... I'm just so disappointed in myself, because I was prepared for having my intake be a bit higher during the holidays, because sometimes when I have to eat with my family it just can't be avoided, but not like this, seriously
Anyway, looking forward I guess because I've already fucked shit up I can't change anyway 🥲
Now I WOULD definitely OMAD a bottle of wine
I thought I WANTED a proper balanced meal filling me up, getting rid of the headache and dizziness and giving me energy.
Turns out all I NEEDED was some coffee and a sf Monster
edtblr has taught me more about nutrition than my biology class ever could
I hate my body more than I like food.
Can overly excessive caffeine consumption be, like,
Bad?
My food scale's batteries went empty and I don't think we have the right ones at home so I can't change them right away 😭
What am I supposed to doooo now I just wanna count my cals
Soooo these busy days I mentioned are over and I have in fact reached my lowest weight since summer! It's probably not that impressive but I am incredibly happy still. (And yes, I am in fact absolutely drained but I did have fun, I'm just so tired now 🥲)
Now I have this Sunday to get through, then a week of school when restricting will be easy of course, but then I'll have two weeks off due to Eastern....
I guess I'll really have to bury myself in work and exercise then and not give myself the chance to eat anything besides the meals I'll have to eat with my family.
Breakfast I should always be able to skip, dinner too I could say I take to my room to eat there because of school work or something, and then lunch I'll just have to always help preparing so I know exactly what we'll eat and so I can make at least my serving lower in calories.
Maybe I'll also have to resort to the sad Pinterest ana meals with half a cucumber and egg whites, because my parents don't seem to know an awful lot about nutrition, and as long as I eat anything they tend to not raise an eyebrow.
(No hate on these kind of meals, they're really a game changer, but since I tend to do OMAD and a small snack, I just really like to make my meals more colorful and more interesting)
I'll also have more time to exercise, then I know of two days on which I can fast, because we'll be travelling to my Grandma, and for a couple of days only my Dad and I will be home, and I have a feeling that will make not eating/eating low-cal meals even easier.
(Partly because the chance someone is going to be in the kitchen when I want to measure out my food will be lower lol)
The next few days are going to be incredibly busy for me, but that's awesome because I'll literally won't have time to eat :D
I'm not going to try and fast though, because I will need the energy
It started today with me having to stay at school until 6pm (🥲) because of choir practice, tomorrow I'll have to leave almost right after school to play at a concert (I know I'll barely have time to change and maybe practice the pieces one last time)
And on Saturday I'll have singing stuff from 8am to 4pm
Both crying and laughing right now because I know I'll be DRAINED when all this is over, but I won't be around my parents to watch me eat, I won't be at home with all the binge food and I'll probably be to busy to even think about eating anything, hopefully
As I mentioned though, I will be having dinner, because it's the only time I'll be around my parents and I will really need that energy
So, I tend to make self-deprecating jokes (I try not to, but sometimes when I feel especially bad they do slip out a lot)
But when I was about to make one, my one friend just told me (I can't tell if she was annoyed or rather angry, to be honest) to "quit with these fucking jokes" and yeah. I get my friends are done with me, but that still almost made me cry
a friend told me I'm one of the skinniest people she knows
I don't know if she meant it though, so I'm feeling really conflicted about it, because for one, I want to feel incredibly happy about it, but then I know what my scale says, and what my thighs look like... But maybe she was just talking about my waist.
The not-eating after my class was cooking went well yesterday, the teacher was so busy, she didn't even pay attention to me
Now that but four more times to go still 🥲
My class will go on a one week sailing trip in summer, so we're practicing what we'll cook and stuff, starting tomorrow - and I'm so scared. There's no way I'll eat at school, and even though it's kind of established between my friends and I that I just won't eat, what should I tell my teachers or other class mates if they ask?
I could go to the bathroom for a while once it's eating time, but what other things are there?
Please give some kind of advice guys 🥲
Guys im so angry, because I just ate a protein bar as I always do a little while before eating dinner with my family (so I feel more full and won't stuff myself) and then headed off to orchestra practice but then my mom called after me to take my keys with me because...... My parents won't be there this evening.
Meaning I could've easily fasted until tomorrow evening but noo I had to eat that stupid protein bar.
It's fine; I can just run the calories off but it'll still be that I have eaten when I could've stayed hungry 🥲
I can't believe I was actually considering thinking about thinking to consider recovery, when my siblings apparently see me the way they do - and if all it took was that and a good scroll through Tumblr then I guess I really wouldn't be ready at all
Meanspo?
Don't need that, my siblings made me in the Sims, realistically 😃🔫
I'm so torn between wanting to move out and get as sick as possible living alone and wanting to be recovered by then.
Because the ed part of me has been waiting for that since I first developed it, but then I actually want to make it in life, maybe I'll be studying physics or chemistry and I'll NEED brain power for that, and I can't keep thinking about food 24/7 then, I know it'll likely never fully go away and at the moment, I'm not even trying to get better, but I just don't know what to do
I don't think I want to recover yet - let alone that I would be able to right now - but I know that at some point I'll have to if I ever want to be more than I am right now
Could someone please give me some kind of advice 🥹
I'm so upset right now, because I've planned out every food I was going to eat for the day and it's been going so well, but now my parents insist they make something for the entire family to eat for dinner, and even if it's soup (and slightly lower in calories than what I would've had otherwise) I'm really quite angry I couldn't follow through with my plan :(
Also, I have no way to count the calories of what my parents cook and that makes it scary no matter what it is, but hey- they're making just soup
Maybe locking in starts with simply logging my calories on my app, instead of trying to pretend it didn't happen or "it wasn't that bad".
Yes, I binged, yes, I feel like a piece of shit but I can always draw the line.
I may gain weight today, but I can stay determined during the week and make a realistic plan for the weekend and actually stick to it.
I shouldn't deny my mistakes or wallow in self pity, but rather use them as a reminder what I am actually fighting for and what kind of behaviours even made me (partly) start doing this in the first place, and I can learn from my mistakes. Honestly I'm motivated to take on this week, even if I completely fucked up this weekend, or maybe especially because of that.